Batman Returns

Before we talk shop, I want to address the elephant in the room. Let's take this card off the table immediately, so we can get down to business. But if Die Hard is considered a Christmas movie, despite being released in the summer, because it is SET at Christmas, and those are the freaky-ass pop culture rules we abiding, that means Batman Returns is a Christmas movie. Right?

I'll accept that ridiculous premise. Just stop calling "Linus And Lucy" a Christmas song. Meet me halfway here.

All right. Clear? No hurt feelings? Good.

How was the movie? I treated Batman 1989 respectfully, not only because I was mindful of its many fans, but also of its place in history in how it reset how society at large saw the character of Batman. I liked the first half of that movie anyways, so I didn't beat it up too badly for the second half sucking ass. Maybe I should have. But it didn't feel worth having that fight.

Batman Returns is VERY much the experience I remembered from 1992, so I have absolutely no problems totally dunking on this unmitigated piece of shit. This IS a very much a Tim Burton film. In every way I recognize and loathe his career.

And you know what? Batman 1989 will probably be caught in some fire here too. Too fucking bad.

Batman Returns was a very instructive film for my 17-year-old self in the theater. I knew about Ed Wood. I knew about film bloopers. But Batman Returns was the first film I ever noticed mistakes in as I was watching it for the first time. I learned this didn't just fuck up B movies from the 1950's. Big name film directors are as lazy and sloppy as Ed Wood. The irony? Tim Burton directed Wood's biopic! Which by the way is one of the ONLY Tim Burton films I would describe as unambiguously great. I think maybe the reason Burton sympathizes with the shittiest director who ever lived is because deep down Burton's standards are that low too.

How else to explain everyone at Penguin's riot chucking heads of lettuce and tomatoes at him? My naive 17-year-old self said to myself at the time, "Why are all these people CARRYING massive amounts of produce to a political rally?" If they were rabble-rousers, that might make sense. But these are Penguin's SUPPORTERS who only turn on him upon hearing that recording. Which by the way modern politics tells us would not actually move the needle in real life. While we're complaining about mistakes.

The second huge fuck-up is when Batman removes his mask at the end. There are MANY reasons NOT to do it. For instance Selina already KNOWS his identity so there is no emotional beat to actually be had there, other than telling a criminal like Shreck his actual identity. Or how about the fact that the mask is so immovable the dude literally has to tear it off his neck and destroy a clearly expensive costume that is technically worth shit because you can't remove it quickly without ripping it in half, and you also can't turn your fucking neck in it? Jesus Christ.

No, my biggest objection to this idiocy in 1992 is when Bruce removes it, for some astounding continuity-defying reason, the guyliner Batman wears under the mask is miraculous gone when we see Bruce's full mug. They didn't even CALL it guyliner in 1992, but I knew it was missing instantly, and I knew it was bullshit.

You want to talk shit about modern superhero fare? This movie had penguins wearing rockets on their backs. Yeah, no. There is NO modern Marvel or DC Movie as fucked up as that. Okay, MAYBE Thor: Love And Thunder. But that's it.

We're circing back to Batman 1989 next, and getting to the complaints I had that I generously overlooked because that film was miraculously NOT the irredeemable piece of shit I remembered it to be, and the sequel actually was. But I remember the hype surrounding Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace. For many fans of genre pictures, sci-fi stuff, superhero stuff, fantasy, ALL that, that film being, well, SHITTY, caused fandom a "Loss Of Innocence". It caught everybody off-guard. After Steven Spielberg raved about the private screening he had being amazing, when Star Wars fans finally saw it they were like, "Whaaat?" Let's be clear about this. Phantom Menace sucks, but it's not actually as bad as people say it is. What it was was the let-down of a lifetime for people who had waited over 15 years for the latest project in a flawed franchise that almost ALL of its fans regarded as flawless up to that point, at least. It felt like a betrayal.

For most people. I was actually quite nonplussed and didn't give a fuck. Not because I didn't like Star Wars. I did. Not because I didn't think the movie sucked. It did. But because I went through this EXACT same shit with Batman 1989. And people don't remember how badly that movie was hyped and merched, and how absolutely pedestrian it was compared to similarly hyped Blockbusters. Arguably Batman 1989 inaugurated the idea of a completely mediocre movie becoming enormously successful and making a ton of money. Batman: The Animated Series' Bruce Timm claims he owes his entire career to Tim Burton's Batman. Good for Tim Burton's Batman, right? Ever think that Michael Bay owes his entire career to that flick too, but for no-so-flattering reasons? Because I think he does.

I have no idea why Tim Burton's Batman films are beloved in hindsight. Have any of you older grumps been annoyed at the fact that The Phantom Menace has been partially rehabilitated in the public's mind, especially among the younger fans? That's the same level of disgust I feel about people speaking warmly about Tim Burton's Batman films.

Batman sets a guy on fire and blows up another with dynamite here. How the FUCK is this considered a good interpretation of the character?

The sex jokes and puns between Catwoman and Penguin were fucking disgusting, and just when I can't think any less of Tim Burton, I see he has Michelle Pfeiffer licking her own rubber arm. Back in the Beforetimes when I reviewed the Batman '66 Blu-Ray, I lamented the humiliating scene of the producers of that show forcing Julie Newmar to lap up a bowl of milk. After this I was like, "Julie Newmar got off easy."

Also how does waking up half-dead around cats make Selina automatically good at backflips and Kung Fu? It's stupid, is what it is.

Am I the only person who has a HUGE problem with Penguin's 300 pound body being dragged into the drink by six Emperor Penguins, leading him by one flipper each?

Everybody loves Batman: Mask Of Phantasm. If that exact screenplay was made in live-action, that movie would have made four times the bank both Burton Batman films did. Put together.

Also should point out that the ONE thing about Mask Of The Phantasm everybody hates is the end credits song "I Never Even Told You." Tell me ONE single way it is remotely worse than "Face To Face" here, whose awfulness fans of this film just seem to excuse as a matter of course. Maybe the difference is fans of Mask Of The Phantasm had some level of standards at the time. I think that must be it.

I find Bruce's initial sympathy for Oswald understandable. But how the FUCK does he not seem to have ANY clue how dirty Max Shreck actually is? Not only is Batman supposed to be the World's Greatest Detective, but Bruce Wayne LITERALLY runs around in the exact same business and social circles, so he'd see this shit up close and personal, and should have been gunning for him long before this. Another reason I don't understand why people love these films.

Let me tell you about what I think about Tim Burton's career. I think Tim Burton has had a FAR more damaging film career than Michael Bay ever did. Yes, Michael Bay fucked up Transformers and Ninja Turtles. But neither of those franchises actually had decent film or TV adaptations at the time (although if you want to argument TMNT 2003 was good, I'll stipulate that). But Tim Burton didn't just ruin Batman. He DESTROYED Dark Shadows. And made a MOCKERY of Planet Of The Apes.

You want to say Burton is a better technical filmmaker than Bay. Go right ahead. It doesn't matter. His hands regarding destroying beloved pop-culture icons are MUCH dirtier. Batman, for Christ's sake! No franchise Bay has ever ruined has ONCE come close to what Burton has done dirty. None.

I hear Batman And Robin is the very worst superhero film of all time. You know, considering how beloved this shit movie is, I DON'T think I'm just gonna take the fans' word for that. We'll see when I see it for the first time and review it in a couple of days. But I think I have very different ideas about what makes a terrible film. And yes, I expect Batman And Robin to be terrible. But MUCH worse than this? I have my fucking doubts there, thank you very much. 1 star.