Superman: The Movie

Can I be real? I HATE seeing and reviewing old movies for the first time, especially if they are considered classics by both the public and the critics. I always feel like I simply don't like the movie as much as I'm supposed to. Old movies are slower-paced, the dialogue tends to be arch, and the characters and situations are not all too believable. And I HATE it when I feel that way and have to talk about it in the review of the beloved project. I am not a troll. I am a real person. I want to be liked. And it would be a lot easier for me if I was willing to go along with the pop culture crowd to not make waves. But I can't do it. For whatever reason, I can't bring myself to be dishonest about what I just saw.

The good news for THIS review is as uncomfortable as I feel writing it, the movie was kind enough to have a few genuinely good things in it that I could rave about. That main title is probably the best opening credit sequence I have EVER seen in a movie. And it's not even close. And I adore "You've got me? Who's got you?"

I also thought the fact that the flying effects looked so unrealistic compared to modern Superman projects actually had its own charm. The idea that he can fly with Lois out at arm's length suggests this IS a fairytale like Peter Pan, and there is magic involved here, not yellow sun technical mumbo-jumbo. For modern Superman projects, the flight sequences always have a realistic amount of weight to them to show the exact horsepower needed for a man to defy gravity.

The flying effects here have an elegance instead because it feels like an actual ABSENSE of gravity. There is a beauty and Peter Pan magic attached, and what it lacks in realism it makes up for in fancy.

Christopher Reeve is also the only Superman actor I have ever seen who believably plays Clark and Superman as entirely different people. The idea that they are the same person is crazy. They don't even look alike, and the glasses have little to do with that.

That specific gift however is double-edged sword. Superman claims several times he never lies, but the deliberate dumbshows Clark acts out to throw off suspicion seem fundamentally dishonest after that specific vow. You Will Believe A Man Can Lie.

I found the first hour of the movie a total slog, and I was waiting for him to turn into Christopher Reeve. I am not okay with the fact that both Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman are billed in the credits before he is. That is not right and the problem with Hollywood in a nutshell.

As I was watching the film, particularly the stuff with Lex Luthor, I came to the unpleasant realization that it was dumb. The screenplay may be from the guy who wrote The Godfather, but Lex is so open about his crimes, and never once bothers covering his tracks, like say, a competent criminal would. Even dumber is him walking out as Superman is drowning with the Kryptonite necklace but before he's actually dead. Whether that is a common comic book trope or not (and it was at the time) it doesn't stop it from being stupid and shitty.

I also cringed at the army guys getting into a fight over who gets to do chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth with Miss Tessmacher. The movie is treating CPR as something dirty and I don't like it. It feels gross and like I need to take a shower.

I remember Siskel and Ebert used to make fun of this movie because of Lois Lane's gigantic and fancy apartment on a print reporter's salary. After seeing the film, I was like "THAT'S the part of the flick you find unbelievable?" How about when Clark Kent falls out a window and magically appears in his Superman costume a split second later, just because? Or how about Superman being given the ridiculous power to spin the Earth on its axis backwards and turn back time? Not sure your science math works out there, Chief. And then we have Lois going on after the fact about all the things she suffered in the erased timeline which she for some dumb reason both remembers and can't reconcile the memories with the fact that they never happened to her.

Those main titles had me jazzed and I hoped I could give the movie a rave. Alas, it's pretty much as slow and dumb as other popcorn flicks of the era, despite at least having many good points. 3 stars.