Eternals

That was the very first Marvel Studios movie I didn't enjoy. Thor: The Dark World had its problems, and so did Avengers: Age Of Ultron and Iron Man 2. But each of those movies had individual elements that worked. This was just too much.

The critics are calling it a warmed over Avengers? Even when the critics are right that the movie sucks they don't actually know what they're complaining about. The fact that it's unlike The Avengers isn't the problem. The problem is the premise is awful.

I'm sorry, Jack Kirby fans, that's not what you want to hear. But what works in a comic book miniseries (and I trust comic fans who swear by this book) is not necessarily the thing a movie franchise should be built upon. I seem to recall people being outraged at how much The Inhumans TV show sucked. That premise was somehow even worse, and also a no-brainer that a live-action adaptation would fail. The premise here is not as bad as The Inhumans, because it's not about a group of slavers trying to enforce a caste system, which is like the craziest kind of hero for any franchise to get us to root for. That being said, even if I agree with the goals of many of the heroes in wanting to save humanity and Earth, I can't relate to the characters and their problems (with the possible exception of Faustus). They're essentially Gods and above everybody, and mankind's problems are essentially a nuisance for them, and an ethical debate. And I'm sorry, I can't get into that. I just can't.

If that were the only problem I could get over it. Marvel movies have a way of making even the thinnest premise enjoyable (see Ant-Man). But the movie is WAAAYYYY overlong, and becomes a chore to watch at some point. And the characters' alliances and changes of heart seem random and not based on anything concrete. I badmouthed critics expecting another Avengers. Another reason that's stupid is because the big things happening in Avengers movies resonated because you knew and cared about the characters from previous movies. The events in this movie are so huge, it annoys me how little I know about or care about the cast. Characters should always come first, and even in a movie as overlong as this one, I didn't feel all of the drama and extended pathos felt remotely earned.

The ending sucked on every level. Letting the Celestial die was absolutely 100% the wrong ending. I will probably hear people tell me that's what happened in the comics. It didn't feel right here. Because it made Ikarus actually right. If the Celestials ARE as important as described, than Earth SHOULD have been destroyed. The fact that the heroes weren't able to work out a Plan B to have their cake and eat it too makes them unlike any other heroes I want to root for.

And I'll tell you the thing that pisses me off the most about that. It's done to give us a big cliffhanger ending. I don't mind Marvel tags that set-up later movies. They can be frustrating and annoying but they're fine from a narrative stand-point.

Starting the first movie in a franchise off on an unresolved cliffhanger is bogus however. The heroes didn't do the big Plan B moment solely to set up conflict for the sequel. I'm right here. I deserve and want a satisfying ending to something I spent over two and a half hours watching. That's actually not too much to ask. Marvel Studios is known for delivering crowdpleasers. Let me tell you, after that ending, I wasn't remotely pleased.

I guess it makes sense Thanos was an Eternal, but I'm not even going to guess what the rest of the tags mean. All I know is I felt unsatisfied and annoyed by the time that was over. A movie doesn't have to be like The Avengers to be satisfying to me. It just has to not suck. This did not meet that threshold. *1/2.

Wasn't surprised by Starfox as much as I was by the fact that they got Harry Styles for the part. Pip, on the other hand...  whatever company did that animation should give Marvel a full refund plus damages...  The first Shrek film had better animation.  And Patton Oswalt...  I have a love/hate relationship with the guy... loved him as the brothers in Agents of SHIELD but in this case his voice is far too recognizable to play a CGI character that doesn't look like him, all I could think of when he spoke is "that's Patton Oswalt...".   You don't get that problem with Rocket, Groot, Howard or Korg.