A Christmas Story

I'm 46 years old and I've never seen this movie before this. I've never even flipped on it during a marathon, and watched a random 10 minutes of it. It's beloved, and everyone's seen it and me getting caught up was long overdue. But I had to set down some ground rules for myself before seeing it.

I was determined NOT to see it at Christmas. That sets up certain expectations that a movie should not be judged by. If I'm moved by the Christmas spirit in the movie, I want it to be because of the movie, not because I'm already in the spirit and it's piggybacking on it. My review will be more clear-headed and honest if I first see it during the summer.

The second thing I promised myself was that if I didn't like it, I'd say so. My opinion could be different than the film's many fans. But I also told myself if I didn't like it to prepare myself to make good arguments against it. For a movie that has become an institution, "That sucked!" isn't good enough.

The third thing I promised myself was that if it was good, I'd say so. I'm not gonna hatewatch it. I won't needlessly bash the film to be an edgy contrarian. I also decided if I didn't like the film, I would make sure to note any good parts and things I DID like. So what did I think?

It's a bad movie. I am unsurprised the director of Porky's did something this dumb. It's not as dumb as Porky's. But it's plenty dumb.

Also, I need to point out it's not funny. I didn't laugh once. For me and comedies, that's not a dealbreaker. For instance, I didn't laugh during Rushmore either, and that movie was fine. The broad comedy of this film never tickling my funnybone is an actual drawback however. There's no cute quirky satire or characterization for me to enjoy. It's just dumb and painful.

I wish I could say I see the appeal, but if I could, I would have watched the movie ages ago. I can safely say that no matter what my age, even when my tastes were bad, I at no point would have been a fan of this movie. But I had a sneaking suspicion I'd have a bad reaction to it so that's why I put it off for so long.

One complaint I have never, EVER heard anyone make about the film is something that astounds me. It's the film's biggest weakness and I've never heard it remarked about before, not even once. The movie's budget is embarrassingly low. Like, they'd be embarrassed to show the level of production values of Ralphie's fantasies on Batman '66. No exaggeration. It amazes me nobody has ever mentioned that a nine-year-old's imagination is so shoddy and cheap-looking.

We're gonna talk about the things I liked before talking more about the things I didn't. I thought it was a pretty clever Jean Shepard joke that he said that he was a connoisseur of soap, and was comparing the different tastes of each kind and brand. It's especially cute that the mother puts it in her mouth at the end of the scene out of curiosity.

I thought the secret Little Orphan Annie message being a commercial for Ovaltine was cynical and correct. But not especially insightful. Everyone knows that's how crap like that always works.

My favorite moment was the Mother pulling Ralphie off the bully, taking him home, and drying his tears and comforting him. To hear how much the film is talked up, I was expecting a TON of heartwarming scenes like that, but I'd argue it's the only one. I kept thinking "The ending to this movie must be amazing, and tie things up perfectly," and that wish was left unfulfilled too.

Finally, we're gonna talk about the elephants in the room. I saw this movie maybe three weeks too late. It's about a boy obsessively wishing to own a gun. A BB gun, but still. The idea was SUPPOSED to be subversive (even back then) but 2022 simply refuses to allow me to enjoy anything.

The other horrible thing is that I was very curious about the racist Asian carolers in the film as described by Family Guy. Let me be clear: It is not as bad and racist as Family Guy claims it is. I had envisioned the movie being a LOT less grounded than it was (outside of the fantasies) and that perhaps that moment occurred in a Better Off Dead-type of ridiculous fashion. It's an actual part of the plot of the family having to have Chinese food for Christmas dinner. And while the subtext to the moment isn't as racist or sinister as Family Guy says it is, the fact that it's just a regular moment and not a tasteless flight of fancy makes it a LOT tougher to rationalize and forgive. The 1980's were overflowing with tasteless jokes against Asians. Usually you could shut your brain off because they were ridiculous and unbelievable on every level. The fact that this is a part of the story itself makes it near impossible to justify.

I'll tell you my biggest problem with the movie. And it has nothing to do with tastelessness or dated controversies. When they did the line about kids starving in Africa my biggest beef of the movie became clear. This is the type of story that confuses absolute cliches as homespun wisdom. And they are not the same thing. At all.

I suspect part of the reason the movie gained the following it did is because there is so much cursing, which is totally outside of both family movies and Christmas movies. There is a subversion there too that I can understand why people would respond to it. That being said, that specific type of thing has never appealed to me, as a kid, a teenager, or an adult. I think perhaps some of the love is due to the movie's naughtiness. But that doesn't make it a good movie.

So yeah, I didn't like that. I suspected over the years I probably wouldn't. About the best thing I can say is the film didn't disappoint me. I had no real expectations going in, good or bad. And it was pretty bad. *.