Darkman

That begs the question. Exactly HOW crappy is it? Do I throw up my hands and say "I'm not even going to bother"? Or do I do a deep dive and itemize why the movie is shit?

While the hour and a half I spent with this movie WAS long enough, it pissed me off enough that I probably want to get some solid licks in. Sue me.

This movie is utter shit. It has a cult following which is telling. This was considered watchable in the time period it was made. Which is damning not just for that era of film, but for what we tolerated. I get the 1980's and 1990's were decades for bad movies masquerading as blockbusters. But UHF is an equally shitty movie. And I enjoyed it. I find that most shitty movies from the 1980's and 1990's cannot be enjoyed. This is why Weird Al Yankovic is a National Treasure while delivering one of the shittiest movies of all time. This here is shit with no redeeming value.

Where to begin?

This movie was marketed as a superhero film of sorts, with its campaign "Who is Darkman?" kind of echoing the hype for Tim Burton's Batman. Now I haven't seen the first Batman movie in awhile, but if I found out it was EXACTLY this shitty, I wouldn't be surprised. But I doubt it.

For one thing I remember it looked great at least. Sam Raimi is given a budget for the first time, and somehow every single explosion, car chase, gun fight, and cliffhanger feels fake. Usually in bigger budgeted movies back then, if things weren't exactly as realistic as today, they could usually pass for that anyways. The effects are just garbage here. You can practically see the glue on the stuntman wigs.

What's ironic is that the fact that Raimi using shitty effects for the Evil Dead stuff HELPED that franchise. It allowed the viewer a measure of unreality so they could see the humor in it. For a big budget torpid angsty superhero / pulp hero mash-up? Poison.

Couple of extra things to note. This is not the worst superhero movie I have ever seen. Take note I have not seen every superhero movie (and still have not seen Batman and Robin or Catwoman). But of the ones I HAVE seen, only Spawn was worse. So far, Darkman is second.

This is the worst film I have ever seen Liam Neeson in. No, I haven't seen The Phantom Menace in awhile either. I'm still betting it's not as bad as this. For the record, usually a great actor elevates the material. Neeson actually sucks in this. The guy dancing around growling and destroying his lab is not fucking Oscar Schindler and gonna bring home the Gold for it. He legit sucks in the role.

Frances McDormand didn't win any Oscars for this either, but she's not QUITE as bad. Although considering her character's nosiness about shit she had no business poking around in CAUSED Peyton to be targeted and mutilated in the first place, she's also super annoying.

Speaking of which, around this era, mid-budgeted films and miniseries often cast sitcom vets and lovable minor players from famous TV shows to play the heavy. It usually does NOT work. I thought Bronson Pinchot was pretty great as Craig Toomey in Stephen King's The Langoliers, but he was an exception. Larry Drake is not a scary actor or a convincing heavy. He was cast for the shock value of seeing Benny from L.A. Law chop off fingers. But no, he shouldn't be doing this. He sucks at it too.

I'm struggling to see why Peyton doesn't just take Julie on dates at nighttime. It's because the movie is stupid.

The plot is badly written and the dialogue atrocious. The jokes all land with a thud (which is something it does NOT have in common with Evil Dead). The premise of Darkman being an impersonator was in my mind underutilized. Yes, it's an origin story. But if this film had been made today, even by a more mature Raimi, they would be going insane with the double bluffs and mistaken identities. The audience's heads would be pleasurably spinning. I can shit on this movie all I want (and I do believe I just did). The premise is so great ABC bought a short-lived TV series based on DC Comics' The Human Target with the exact same shtick around the same time. It's a great idea. That the movie is not enough about.

Fans of the movie, ask me the only defense you need: "Matt, how can you possible hate a movie that gives the heroine the line 'If you aren't going to kill me, I have things to do.'?" I can still hate it mostly because the dude DOES try to kill her anyways, so no credit is due from me. If he didn't, I'd see your point. But it's a cliched, predictable lie instead, which makes her awesomeness there kind of meaningless.

So that was Darkman. And it fucking sucked. And you know what? So did the rest of the movies in the 1980's and 1990's. 1 star.