Fast & Furious: Spy Racers

That was tiresome. Really, I am having a hard time remembering a fictional character who annoys me as much as Ms. Nowhere does. She is outright obnoxious.

Ugh. Glad this is the last season. 1 1/2 stars.

I stand corrected. Rafaela is somehow ten times more awful.

That was outright embarrassing. The episode had no redeeming qualities. 0.

Okay, the fact that Frostee actually believes his 9-year-old sister is the Big Bad and Mastermind of the season says that he's really, REALLY stupid. What's alarming is that the rest of the team takes this asinine idea remotely seriously.

I'm glad this show is almost over. I regret starting it. 1 star.

This was SO embarrassing I realized how much I regret watching and reviewing this show. I never should have started it. It is not as badly written as Transformers: Rescue Bots Academy. But it's the only other recent kids cartoon in that that show's league of bad quality. Even the Power Rangers tend to be less awful than this. There are seven episodes left and my feet are gonna drag having to watch them.

My biggest annoyance in the episode is how dumb Tony is. I understand the need for conflict between heroes on a given show, but I loathe DUMB conflict. Aside from Echo being right that the entire thing smelled like a trap and they should probably think a bit about what to do next, what pisses me off is that her advice is so easy to understand and self-evident, that when Tony completely doesn't understand it at all and accuses her of "giving up on family", I'm like "This numbnuts isn't just being placed in charge of national security secrets. He's essentially team leader. Dom should be ashamed of how dumb his cousin is."

What especially pisses me off is when she shows up after all to save their sorry asses after being right, Frostee is all, "I knew you would never give up on family!" as if her saving their dumb asses is supposed to be an act of contrition on her end. The Fast & Furious movies have their detractors, and it is true they have gotten more and more sloppily written in each successive movie. But there's never anything as dumb as this in them. For good reason. Nobody would watch them if they contained screenplays this bad. The movies are enjoyable because unlike a lot of loud popcorn action flicks, the stories and writing AREN'T terrible. And you won't get critics to admit that, but if they were, nobody would watch them, and they certainly wouldn't be the box office powerhouses they are. They'd have the rep of the Bay Transformers films with increasingly diminishing returns followed by an outright bomb that kills the franchise. The movies' scripts aren't masterpieces, but they're solid enough to bring the cast and story together and nobody really has too many problems with them. They are serviceable at worst. There is no narrative good or conflict characters this dumb serve. It's ridiculous, even for a kids show.

It is true the Jurassic World cartoon has its share of dumb and annoying characters. But the emotional journey those kids go through trying to escape an island of killer dinosaurs feels realer to me. Surviving is not those kids' profession so I don't mind them being dumb. These kids are supposed to be spies and them, Ms. Nowhere, and her assistants are absolute idiots. It doesn't serve the premise well. Plus, the scares of the Jurassic World cartoon are very much a junior grade intro into the sensibility of that franchise, and a good entry point for little kids too young to see the PG-13 movies yet. I don't feel there is any part of this show that remotely resembles any part of the Fast & Furious movies. Not a single one engages in dumb slapstick or fart jokes. As spotty as the Jurassic World cartoon can be, I recognize that franchise in it. This loud, dumb, frankly badly animated mess is outside of anything else from this franchise, and thus a bad entry point for kids, and a bad way to introduce them to it.

I cannot say enough bad things about this episode and this series. I greatly regret starting it, and curse myself for the next seven episodes I am going to force myself to suffer through. 0.

Laser whales do not impress me.

Also, did Ms. Nowhere just call them "Fish-pedos"? That word doesn't sound like it means what she wants it to mean.

For the record Dann is full of crap. If her mission to save humanity was truly righteous she'd own it instead of trying to frame the team for the explosion at the North Pole. And I'll tell you what that moral inconsistency actually boils down to. Incompetent writing. It's a writing mistake rather than a flaw in Dann herself. That's just sad. 2 stars.

5 episodes and I'm done. 5 episodes and I'm done. 5 episodes and I'm done. Keep telling yourself that. It doesn't seem like many, but from this end it feels insurmountable.

The show is now officially as bad as Transformers: Rescue Bots Academy. And that show is for much younger viewers, so you can argue this show's sins are MUCH worse and I wouldn't disagree.

Tony tackles random old women on the street because he heard a rumor Dann is impersonating old women? There are a LOT of old women in LA. Where is the proof the one he attacked is Dann? Echo trying to reasonably tell him he and the group weren't hired back because they kept messing up is an understatement. Tony taking a (full!) tour-guide bus on a car chase (twice!) shows that he is nothing but a liability.

I sincerely hope Dom is properly ashamed of his cousin. Prediction: If he shows up in the last episode he won't be because this show is purely awful.

God, I'm sick of this. I regret starting this. It's turned into a nightmare. 0.

Another awful episode down.

That being said, the last five minutes were less awful than the rest of it. Matsuo has an interesting voice (leave it to this show to have him take a vow of silence for most of it) and I liked the bit where the guy tells Ms. Nowhere that little lady doesn't have a chance, followed by her smashing him through the door seconds later. But "Not completely awful" is no kind of actual bar. 1 1/2 stars.

It's very hard to root for a sprawling cast of characters this universally stupid.

Two bits I liked:

1. I thought Matsuo's arc turned out to be pretty cool.

2. I like the gag of Palindrome being knocked out of his helicopter, sailing across the air to land in another chopper, knocking out the pilot, and stealing it. It's a dumb unbelievable move in league with the dumb unbelievable moves from the films.

Still, I'm glad there are only two episodes left. 2 stars.

Let me get this straight. To dispose of a dangerous AI known to download herself into Agency computers, Ms. Nowhere take Dann to a facility with blank robots operated by a less sophisticated AI system that is obviously going to be corrupted by Dann bringing herself back to life? Do I have that right? Can I at least resent the last adventure simply because it would never happen with remotely competent spies and heroes?

The car chase climax was pretty good. I'll give the episode that.

And finally here's a note I should make before the series bites the dust: Dom Toretto's character design is shockingly awful. He may be based on a real person, but Dom is the only character on the show that truly looks Uncanny Valley. And I'm not crazy about the faces on the show to begin with. But Dom looks a special level of creepy. I'm starting to be glad he is in as few episodes as he is.

Only have to watch one more of these. God help me. 1 1/2 stars.

It was a nice ending. Ms. Nowhere's wedding to Palindrome was a good place to leave things. But let me be clear. One passable episode does not forgive the mess of this season or this series. I suspect some people who follow my reviews will be a bit surprised at how negative I am towards this show. I have been relatively positive about the films, and since I've only seen each of them once, I know I have been far fairer than I would be if I saw them again. But it's true. I tend to review TV much harsher than I do movies, particularly movies I've only seen once. Why?

There are two reasons. One might make sense to you, and maybe the other won't because you won't agree with it. But the first reason I am always harder on TV shows than I am movies is because I watch more TV shows than I do movies. I am far more comfortable judging them and deciding what message I take from them than I am from a single movie I've seen once. I think that is something perhaps you'll understand.

The other reason is something you are free to call me crazy for. But I judge TV so harshly because my standards there are higher. For most people, that notion is backasswards, but the truth is I know exactly how wonderful TV can be at its best. I have higher expectations for it for that reason. My three favorite screen projects are Star Trek (specifically Deep Space Nine) , the DC Animated Universe, (specifically Justice League / Unlimited) and Twin Peaks. And yes, all three of those franchises have done films. But the best of those franchises are on TV. And I like each of those projects more than my favorite movie. I will not win a lot of friends by saying I like the television medium more than the film medium. But the truth is I've always thought the best stuff was on TV, not the movies. So when I tolerate the Fast & Furious movies, despite illogic in the plots, and I hate this show for being so damn stupid, that might be part of it. But even if it is, there is no denying this show is FAR worse than the films in quality. And since I believe it should probably work the other way around I'm not cutting this show any slack for it.

In conclusion, a decent last episode to a terrible series. I can't pretend a decent ending erases how painful and infuriating it was to watch this season. All I know is I hope I don't start watching another cartoon as bad as this one ever again. 3 stars.