Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Oh boy.

I really liked the first movie. A LOT. What surprised me (and dismayed me, truthfully) is something I didn't see coming, and couldn't have predicted. I outright LOVED this one! How could I expect that? The first movie was fun shlock, but the entire plot was essentially Hellboy having to search and put down a bunch of unkillable demon squid-dogs. It didn't have an actual storyline or arc. And as far as actual pathos goes, outside of Broom's death and hints at Hellboy's future, it is very much lacking in that as well. And what astounds me is that this film if also far goofier, weirder, and funnier too. The emotional stakes have never been higher, and I'm laughing my ass off at the little demon correcting that he wasn't a baby, he was a tumor.

I really wasn't into the studio politics regarding why the third movie was shelved for good, because after only seeing the first movie, I didn't much care. After seeing this one, I am certain a third movie to close out this trilogy would have been a huge hit. Instead the studio goes for a reboot literally no-one wanted or asked for, that was insanely rated R for NO reason whatsoever, and predictably bombed, essentially killing this character at the movies for good. Yeah, a third film dealing with the prophecy would have been pricey. I think it also would have found an audience. And it pisses me off we didn't get it and instead got a reboot that although I haven't seen, has been pretty much universally panned. It's infuriating actually.

That's about as in-depth as I'm gonna go here. Let me try to put down my other thoughts in smaller chunks.

The creatures were super creative. The eyeless faced monster with her eyes in her wings in the shawl was a pure Guillermo De Toro invention and she gave me the proper willies.

Seth MacFarlane was an inspired casting choice as the voice of Strauss. Nowadays you'd think it was a no-brainer, but this movie was released in 2008, a fair amount of time before MacFarlane had taken over the world. Del Toro knowing MacFarlane had that in him at this stage of his career says Del Toro is STILL one of the best casters in Hollywood. I wonder if Strauss gave MacFarlane the idea for Isaac on The Orville. It wouldn't shock me at all.

Hellboy and Abe's drunk singalong was super fun.

I was all set to gripe that it was majorly dumb for Abe to bring the crown piece on the mission without telling them, but then the movie says, yeah, that was deliberate. It was a betrayal, not a mistake. And it was an understandable and 100% forgivable betrayal, so I am totally on-board him doing that after all. Thought I'd have something to complain about in my review after all, but it turns out the movie knew what it was doing the whole time. I LIKE that.

I also love that Liz immediately alleviated my concerns over Hellboy gaining control over the Golden Army by instantly (and easily) destroying the crown the first chance she got. Yeah, she chose to save his life (knowing he'll destroy the world in the future). But she doesn't actually have to make that part easy for him.

I also like that Doug Jones is finally allowed to voice Abe Sapien. David Hyde-Pierce never made sense to me. Jones is able to do the exact same type of erudite professor voice that Pierce is famous for. And you could say "Well, back in 2008, Pierce was a name, and that may have been a studio demand that Del Toro compromised on to secured Perlman as Hellboy." But that doesn't actually make sense because Pierce's work in the film was uncredited. They should have had Jones do the entire thing the entire time.

Anybody who has ever seen Jim Henson's The Storyteller already knows what an amazing narrator John Hurt is. If Del Toro did not bring him back for that moment simply because he loved that show, I'd be shocked. It's the exact same role after all.

This is not my favorite comic book movie. But it's one of the rare ones that actually earned five stars from me. I usually take a star or a half off even a great comic book film to sort of hedge my bets, but I totally loved and appreciated that unreservedly. *****.