Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde

That was a BAD movie. I can't say surprisingly bad, because I actually expected it to suck, but truthfully it still somehow managed to suck much worse than I had feared. I'll get into the movie's failings in a bit, but I think before I do I need to make this concession.

As bad as the movie is, I understand why it exists. Which frustrates me. The first movie wasn't exactly what I'd call open-ended. It did not demand a sequel, and the ending was solid because it's clear the writers weren't looking towards this huge franchise. It being a surprise smash caught everybody off-guard.

And what do you do with smashes? Make sequels. That's how Hollywood does business. It doesn't matter if the ending of the first didn't lead to a comfortable or easy story for the second, that's how the game is played. Recall how infuriated suits were when Kristen Wiig declined to make a sequel to Bridesmaids. "That's not how things are done here! How dare she!"

I understand why the movie Is. But the truth is if you create a movie solely because you feel financially obligated to, it's gonna suck. And man, this was a surprisingly sucky movie. It was one of those bad movies that during the entirety of it I was groaning in misery and muttering, "This is awful," and "Oh God," in cringe and pain under my breath. I don't like watching movies like that. I find them embarrassing.

To be honest, I understand the logic of the producers getting Elle into politics. The cynicism of Harvard Law was a great hook for the first movie, and they picked a place even more cynical than that for Elle to conquer. And while I will defend the idealism of the classic movie Dave, a wonderful political comedy, in 2003, it's close enough to the era of Trump that I no longer buy the fact that everyone in Congress is persuadable. Even in 2003 a large segment of that body was made up of sociopaths. I guess the main difference between then and now is that those kinds of politicians kept their opinions quiet or were polite on-camera. 2003 is too close to the powder-keg we currently live in to remotely believe there would be a "snap basket" at the end.

As long as I'm criticizing the subtext to the film, one of the biggest ways the film is inferior to the first is that in the first, Elle used her particular bits of wisdom and cunning, specifically regarding fashion, to get ahead in her Harvard Law class. She did things her way for sure, but the truth is she followed the parameters of decorum set up. Her getting her trampy Delta sisters to march in the streets while carrying toy dogs isn't Elle using her skills to navigate the system. It's her turning the system vapid, and getting the politicians in it to embrace superficiality. Elle Woods conquered Harvard Law by being Elle Woods. That's fine. Elle Woods conquered DC by turning DC into Elle Woods. That's not.

And I understand that maybe the writers aren't wise enough to see or make that distinction, or even believe it matters. And it might even be that the subtext of Elle working within the system in the first film was not an intentional message on the part of that movie. But that's partly why the movie resonated with me. And if this movie doesn't understand that, it's not going to.

This was a terrible movie. But I'm not giving it a zero because its existence, while frustrating, was inevitable. I think it sucks, and I'm not happy about that fact, but I can't picture ANY movie making a sequel to the first good, and I also don't picture Hollywood executives smart enough to ever realize that truth. Yeah, it sucks. But it always was going to, so I'm not as mad as I could be. *.