Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

I am aware some people like my reviews. I am also aware some people find them insufferable and my pop-culture insights a mile wide and an inch deep. That's okay. Those people tend to value different things than I do, and I tend to value different things from not just critics, but other fans too. I suspect this movie was well-received and that I'm not the only person who loves it. But if there is somebody out there who hates my reviews, thinks my tastes are unsophisticated and basic despite muh fancy book larnin' words, you might finish this review in disgust that I just gave a Nickelodeon Ninja Turtles cartoon movie the same five star grade I gave Pulp Fiction, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Shawshank Redemption, and Fantasia. I also should note if that annoys you, you will probably understand how bothered I was by such a toxic and gross film as Joker winning Oscars and critical acclaim. You want to tell me Joker is a deep meditation on a powerless man fighting back against the system who failed him, instead of a celebration of underwhelming icky alpha males everywhere, be my guest. But I praise movies that end with Turtles getting to go to high school. It's weird that you don't.

I think it's for the best Eastman and Laird sold the Turtles to Nickelodeon. I didn't always think that. The Michael Bay films are low-hanging fruit about how disastrous that could have potentially been long-term, but I truly think the 2012 series was crazily even worse, and far more damaging because people took it more seriously as a legit interpretation instead of the blight upon the Earth it really was. But one of the reasons I dug Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the liberties it took with the premise and canon. It did stuff it shouldn't have done, and made the most enjoyable Turtles TV cartoon ever because of those changes. The 2012 cartoon was so stupid and damaging because it tried to make me fear the mutations, which is insane narrative malpractice. Rise had the proper level of humor attached to it and made the comic book property, initially designed as a satire, actually enjoyable.

This film starts off misleadingly serious and action heavy, and I love that the Universe feels credible right off the bat. But the rest of the film lets us have fun. I love the amount of pop culture references. You will never have seen another animated cartoon for kids have a character tell another character their head's shape is a combination of Stewie and Hey Arnold. And Mikey being perturbed the watermelon itself looked just like his head is comedic icing on the cake.

Speaking of Family Guy, I was a little surprised how graphic Puke Girl was, especially on a PG rating. Again, the only more graphic barf scene I've ever seen was the famous Family Guy bit, but that was freaking nasty. Honestly, if things were being graded fairly, it should have garnered the movie a PG-13. But the MPAA is unfathomably corrupt, I imagine money changed hands, and now we have to pretend THAT'S equivalent to Frozen. For crying out loud.

I love that Splinter hates humans. And I have to confess, I didn't find the scene where he's attacked when he goes out in public all that credible. I think people would have been more inclined to run away. But even if that hadn't happened, the movie had a keen insight that as a rat, one of the creatures mankind seems to hate the most, Splinter was ALWAYS on the angry end of that species. His life sucked WAY before he became a Man-Rat that humans attacked. Him thinking humans sucked would be logical based on his species even if that last bit didn't happen.

I mentioned the liberties Rise took with the franchise, and honestly I believe they could not have occurred if Laird had the hand in it he did for so long. For this movie, I can't picture him or Eastman allowing the Turtles to go to high school at the end. Because to make them accepted by humanity takes away one of the core tensions of the premise. But who says that core tension is great for the premise? Who says a different take wouldn't have value? Similarly, I love that Bebop and Rocksteady switch sides and become heroes. I'm sure they'll backslide if the sequel involves Shredder like the tag promises, but I think it's really cool this separate and unique continuity is allowed its own take on things, and nobody on high has told the producers "You can't do that with this premise. No." And Leo gets to take April to prom. Whether it's a real date is still to be decided, but I like that the movie is nice enough to give him that. And the movie is better for being unlike other Turtle projects, not just because that makes it unpredictable. But it also makes it weirdly feel-good, which the franchise most definitely is usually not. It was initially created as a biting satire about comic books, so many interpretations are cynical. Worse, I think 2012 and the Bay films got it into their heads that the premise should be taken SERIOUSLY, which is the dumbest idea ever. But making this film a crowdpleaser? I'm glad about that.

I love that the Turtles sound and act like kids for the first time ever. It's weird it's the first project to ever do that. Literally.

Do you know what kills me about this film's success? We should have had a slew of animated Turtle films already. TMNT was a box office hit, favorably received by both critics and fans, and sold a TON of toys. And New Line / WB for some crazy reason didn't greenlight a sequel. I know Nickelodeon bought the right a few years after that, but you'd figure there would have been enough time and demand for ONE sequel to that good movie. I feel like this is a franchise that lends itself to animated films rather than live-action ones. Of course I think that about DC and Marvel Comics too, but one argument at a time.

"Don't you do it, Matt! Don't you DARE give that kiddie, cotton-candy movie a perfect quality five-star grade!" Reach into your computer and try and stop me. 5 stars.