The Terminator

I know. I am about to piss you off. The following negative review is going to strike fans of this franchise as majorly unfair. And every single counterargument you could make against my gripes is true. But I'm still giving that a bad review and standing by the fact that I'm doing so.

The movie is badly dated, the dialogue is horrible, and the robot at the end is goofy, instead of scary. What passes for humor in the movie borders on appalling. And you can shake your head and say, "Matt, this movie was made four decades ago. Standards were VERY different back then. In fact, the scenes that now feel like total tired cliches when seeing this in 2022, actually made cinema history in 1984, and are why those tropes became tired and well-worn to begin with. You blaming it for that is majorly unfair."

And yeah, it is. But the truth is there are a LOT of movies made in this specific time period that don't suck ass, and I shouldn't have to lower my current standards as long as watchable movies like Little Shop Of Horrors and Who Framed Roger Rabbit are still amazing. That's not fair to them. Yes, movies were generally worse in the 1980's than they are now. But great movies definitely existed. And yeah, this film deserves credit for going to the bleak future genre well first. But in 2022, the well already feels dry for this person seeing this for the first time. Majorly unfair of me, and you can scream at me for being too damn lazy to have not seen it 35 years ago when I should have, and when none of these complaints would have even occurred to me. But if an old movie doesn't hold up to modern standards and feels dated and tired, that's a failing. I don't have to just accept that fact and like it. I'm allowed to be annoyed. And you are allowed to be annoyed at me, (as long as we are setting these parameters).

I'm going to seem to go off-topic for a moment, and I'll quickly circle back so you'll see what I'm getting at. I was never a big reality show guy. But I did watch the first seasons of the shows that started the trend like Survivor and The Mole. Once the market became oversaturated, I quickly lost interest, but when the genre was new, Survivor attempted to rerun the first season, before it was understood you can't rerun reality shows. I actually rewatched that first season (which as far as television goes was far more mesmerizing than I'd care to admit). When I saw Richard Hatch again in the first episode repeat I said to myself "There is NO way that jag-off wins a million dollars." And I said that every episode until the finale, despite having already seen it.

Here is where I circle back. Seeing this movie in hindsight made me repeatedly said "There is no way the utter hack who directed this mess will ever win an Oscar." And yet...

Have I mentioned the time travel in the movie is super shady? Which is weird because we are never allowed to see a changed or restored timeline. But if the Terminator doesn't go back to kill Sarah Connor, Kyle Reese doesn't need to go back in time to stop him, and John Connor is never born. That sounds like a pretty neat predestination paradox, right? Except for Reese talking about possible futures and timelines, which negates it. You can either follow Alternate Universe Time Travel rules in a sci-fi project, or Block Universe Rules. You have to pick one or the other. The fact that projects like this mix and match is why time travel is such a mess in fiction (outside of admirably Gargoyles, which steadfastly and stubbornly follows Block Universe Rules, and refuses to EVER violate them for any reason, which is the only way time travel rules can EVER work).

Any good things to report? Not here, but I will say I expect to enjoy the sequel far more. Not just because it has a bigger budget and is well-loved, but because it was made in the 1990's. And while popcorn movies made in the 1990's are hit and miss (I still can't believe a movie as flawed and boring as Jurassic Park made the cultural impact it did) they are still usually higher quality than popcorn flicks from the 80's. As such, I expect to enjoy it. And if I don't? God help you, I'll freaking say so. *.