Twin Peaks

Finally! My Blu-Ray review of Twin Peaks The Return is done!

It's quite a production, and while I have certainly not seen everything David Lynch has ever done, of the things I have seen, Twin Peaks: The Return is by far my favorite. It's not just terrifying. It's not just weird. It's funny and accessible. And yes, it ends on a maddening cliffhanger. But it's also one not as maddening as the original series left us off on. And the two tie-in books The Secret History Of Twin Peaks and Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier, both by series co-creator Mark Frost, both give added context to these 18 episodes, and in the case of The Final Dossier, much needed satisfying closure. Twin Peaks is a show about mystery and the unexplained. And both of these books lean into that and allow us to understand that is okay.

I will be talking a little about ending in the final review below but I should mention how heavily both it and The Original Series in general tie into and relate to Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse. I have always said that Gilda And Meek could not end until Twin Peaks did. And the end of the relaunch HERE, shockingly tied into everything I had already originally envisioned for how The Un-Iverse ends. Upon seeing the final scene of "Part 18: What Is Your Name?" it spookily tied into my original plan, that all I had to do is add a single extra line and it was perfect. Fans felt robbed by that last scene. I was elated because it tied into everything I tried to say and do in my work.

No, I'm not promising that The Un-Iverse will end on a frustrating and painful cliffhanger (although also note I am not promising it won't.) What I will say while the plot mechanics here are similar, my intentions are my benign and less ambiguous than Lynch's. I think Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse fans will be satisfied overall, and even if the last scene may be puzzling for non-Peaks Freaks, it might still make you laugh.

The episode called "Part 8: Gotta Light?" remains one of the most shocking TV episodes of all time. Not because the content is overly inappropriate (although the violence IS really bad in places) but because it's bizarre, unexplained, dialogue-free for most of it, mostly black and white, with scary and disturbing images, and amazing visual effects. My reaction to seeing it over the air in 2017 was essentially "I can't believe this is being aired on national television." And it's only because it's pay cable which is why it was. Lynch NEVER could have done that on ABC or ANY broadcast station. It's amazing.

So, yeah, that was Twin Peaks: The Return. The Return of one of my favorite shows of all time. Disappointing last episode notwithstanding, it's arguable the third and final season is better than anything that ever aired on ABC. I will also be reviewing the two tie-in books following this review as well. Season Overall: 5 stars.

Part 1: My Log Has A Message For You

This first part of the miniseries was I think a little polarizing with fans, and to be honest, in hindsight, I'm not crazy about it either. The stuff with the glass box in New York is great, but the murder investigation with Bill at the end of the episode is pretty much a narrative dead end.

Let's go through this bit by bit.

Seeing Lucy again in 2017 is pretty delightful, because the character shouldn't still be this stupid, and yet she is. She's still adorable. I notice something interesting. After Twin Peaks went off the air, Kimmy Robertson put on a LOT of weight. And in The Return she's lost almost all of it. I kind of hope that wasn't a demand from Lynch for her return. But it wouldn't shock me if it was. Carrie Fisher had to go through the same thing for The Force Awakens so I am aware of how shabbily Hollywood treats actresses who gain weight, and am properly wary of it.

One big difference between this revival and the old show is there is a LOT less dialogue. And something tells me this would have been MORE common on the original series if Lynch could have gotten away with it. I do not have a firm opinion about whether or not "Showing or Telling" is better in fiction. I do a LOT of telling in my own fiction so I think people talking it down are simply doing it wrong. But the interesting thing about the fact that Lynch is ENTIRELY Show here is that showing everything still offers zero clarity of what is going on. The dude watching the box probably knows a lot more than we saw him tell his girlfriend. But since he already knows it, he doesn't go through every detail for the sake of the viewer. It's a frustrating method of storytelling, one Lynch is famous for, and one I respond very well to.

There's also a lot less music too, which I've noticed upon a rewatch. If you pick up the Limited Event Series Soundtrack, it's kind of disappointing, especially for Angelo Badalamenti fans. He hasn't come up with any new real memorable tracks on the level of either The Original Series or Fire Walk With Me. In fairness, the amount of music-less scenes was a deliberate choice on Lynch's end to make things more mysterious and off-putting. And it does that in spades.

I thought the guy's sex scene with Madeline Zima was sexy as hell, and it turned into the most gory and horrific thing seen so far. Lynch got some crap for that, and Lynch getting crap for putting women through misery and violence is a bit overdue if I'm being honest. But I think it hit people wrong because it was the first damn episode back. You do something like that, you really need to pay a few narrative dues first.

I'll tell you when the revival won me over. Regardless of my mixed feelings about this episode, it got me back in the first scene after the theme song. The Fireman (Or ???????? as The Being Formerly Known As The Giant is now referred to as in the credits) is talking to Dale Cooper and saying weird stuff (some of which actually comes into play in the final episode). It is a perfectly Twin Peaks thing that after his incomprehensible monologue, Cooper leans forward, gives a small smile, and says "I understand." Ladies and gentleman, I present to you The Return of Twin Peaks!

Cooper is pretty laconic here, but he's still Cooper. The catatonia of Dougie seems to only have afflicted him AFTER he escaped the Black Lodge. This also raises questions about Annie Blackburn's bad end (as detailed in the tie-in book Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier).

Ben Horne seems shockingly respectable 25 years later, although I love that Jerry has turned into a pothead hippie. We also learn the pot farm is the real Horne moneymaker. The hotel business is spinning its wheels a bit. Makes sense.

Dr. Jacoby cameos at the beginning, but we are given no context for it yet, or why he's having those shovels delivered. It's interesting his debut is what Lynch decided the actual return of the town of Twin Peaks should show first. Interesting choice.

"One Sheriff Truman is sick and one is fishing." Michael Ontkean retired from acting, so he declined to come back. But he loved being on the show. Lynch has value to me for making the character sick and at home, so if there IS crazily some more Twin Peaks in the future, the door is still open. Most other producers would have killed Harry Truman off to simplify matters but I like that Lynch is not that writer or showrunner.

Hawk's scene with Margaret Lanterman was shockingly moving, and it's clear why Lynch dedicated the episode to Catherine Coulson. Everyone knew she was dying, and Lynch wanted to give her and her character the best exit possible.

This episode revealed that Lucy's baby WAS Andy's (or at least that he raised it) and that they got together. Part of me is glad the old show was canceled. Can you imagine how much soap opera nonsense we'd have to go through with those annoying characters while the original series was covering a single day at a time?

Both the murder investigation and the glass box give the franchise a global feel. We left Twin Peaks in the feature film "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" but stepping outside of the town on the series itself was very rare back in the original two seasons. The scope feels instantly huger, and considering the mythological and creation myth allegories the season later explored, it's a good introduction into how big Twin Peaks REALLY is. Psst! It's freaking HUGE.

Mr. C is an amazing thing and I love that he dresses like BOB. Kyle MacLachlan looks absolutely ridiculous in that get-up, and yet the things he says and does are legitimately scary. The Final Dossier also added the context that the glass box in New York was his. When the guy described the owner as some billionaire, that adds even MORE context to me in hindsight. Mr. C has been allowed to run amok for a good 25 years. It makes sense he's amassed himself a fortune in dirty money. It also makes me believe the box's purpose is to monitor if and when the REAL Dale Cooper escapes from the Black Lodge.

Lynch has this running gag in some of his projects about how absolutely useless and stupid civilians are with the police. The cops on this show have the patience of saints (which is unrealistic). Also unrealistic is the fact that none of the cops are possessive of who has jurisdiction over the murder case. That is also very familiar to the friendliness between the Twin Peaks Sheriff Department and the FBI back in the day. Yes, it's unrealistic. It's also more than a little bit refreshing too.

It feels right in hindsight that someone this dumb is named Marjorie Green.

Bailey Chase (Graham from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer") plays Detective Don Harrison. Also from that show is Max Perlich playing Hank (who played Whistler back in the day in "Becoming", and who was also on "Homicide: Life On The Street").

I can tell a couple of immediate things about Bill Hastings: 1. He's innocent of the murder he's accused of. 2. He's so squirrelly and suspicious due to the dream he had tying into this, he looks totally guilty anyways. I totally believe his pure shock at what he's accused of. And yet he tells several obviously deliberate lies (or at least things that contradict the evidence) that make everything else he says suspect. He was always doomed.

He sort of took over Sarah Palmer's role as the over the series' resident crier / blubberer that less-charitable audience members won't have their hearts broken over, but will laugh at instead. And that kind of over-the-top performance is what Lynch must have told Matthew Lillard to do. The guy is NOT a bad actor, so this was obviously a direct note from Lynch.

Theory Time!

Is it possible the Experiment attacked and killed the dude and Tracey as a warning to Mr. C not to further interfere in Coop's escape from the Black Lodge? The idea that the Experiment (or one of its species) birthed the supernatural elements of the show in "Gotta Light?" suggests the being is either not sinister, or not ENTIRELY sinister.

Is the black and white place where Cooper and the Fireman sit at the beginning the White Lodge? How is Cooper there? The Fireman tells him he is very far away. Is he in the Black Lodge and astral projecting? Or are we seeing the same scene (which was replayed in Episode 17) out of order? I think by the Fireman asking if it's past or future, the events happened twice. Cooper is still in the Black Lodge and is astral projecting to the Fortress on the Sea (which is the White Lodge) or at least dreaming he's there.

The redone title is pretty great. The new images of the waterfall are beautiful and transitioning into the Red Room is quite striking too. My only complaint is that I wish there was still a cast list. I get how unfeasible it would be because outside of Kyle MacLachlan himself there really ARE no series regulars. Every Twin Peaks character from the original series, and every new character pretty much just comes and goes. The firm cast list from The Original Series not only can't work when most of the cast is only in 3 or 4 episodes, but also because it probably would have spoiled which characters were and weren't appearing ahead of time. I don't like it, but I do totally understand it.

As an individual episode, the first Twin Peaks in 25 years feels a bit unsatisfying, but dissatisfaction is a Twin Peaks hallmark, so at least it's on-brand there. 3 1/2 stars.

Part 2: The Stars Turn And A Time Presents Itself

The journey out of the Black Lodge feels needlessly complicated and convoluted and part of me was frustrated over the air. In hindsight, I realize that this craziness meant something for Twin Peaks 2017 that could NEVER have been dreamed of on The Original Series: All Bets Are Off. Anything Can Happen. Literally. The only sure thing about the relaunch, the ONLY steady constant, is that the viewer has no clue what they are in for. As frustrating as the arc feels 25 years later, that is still a freaking rare gift for ANY TV show. Much less one that's been around since 1990.

I don't like the Evolution of The Arm because it only occurs because of a pay dispute with Michael J Anderson. But it attacking Cooper suggests something I've always believed: The Man From Another Place is sinister and always has been.

The stuff with Mr. C and Darya is beyond reprehensible and terrifying. The fact that he has no fears and reservations about telling this woman he is about to kill her as he's tenderly embracing her eerily reminds me that this is the same entity that raped and murdered Laura Palmer while inside her father. It's appalling on every level.

We learned a few new interesting things about Mr. C. First off, he's a techie, which is kind of cool. He also believes himself to be in contact with Philip Jeffries, although we're led to believe it's actually someone else on the other end of the line at the end. The idea that he is not a person who needs anything but simply WANTS speaks to BOB's deep-seated psychopathy. Also should note that him returning to the Black Lodge sounds like it was supposed to be preordained, again building up the mythological implications. Mr. C trying to find a loophole out of it is cool, as is the fact that he was ultimately successful.

I love Cooper telling Ray to mind his own business. And is he eating creamed corn / Garmonbozia in the diner? Might be.

Jeffries, or whoever is SAYING he is Jeffries, claims BOB will be his once Mr. C is forced back into the Black Lodge. If Jeffries thinks BOB is some sort of honor or gift, the guy is way more evil and fargone than we ever suspected. That is one sinister teapot.

Interestingly this episode is the only time the Red Room is referred to as The Black Lodge on The Return. It's weird because the last episode of the Originals Series jolted us with that reveal, but only Mr. C still calls it that, and only the once here.

Some viewers will wonder why Mr. C is playfully smooshing Jack the mechanic's face before he kills him. To me, the answer is clear: BECAUSE HE CAN. Because nobody will stop him. It's a silly scene with completely frightening implications.

The old clip of the Doppelganger and BOB tells me BOB as Mr. C has really mellowed 25 years later. The Doppelganger as seen in the series finale of Twin Peaks was almost an insane, merry prankster. Mr. C is all business and lacks an even rudimentary sense of humor. I don't know if this was a deliberate choice, or if Mr. C is just being written out of character 25 years later, but it IS interesting.

Mr. C's current look and demeanor is supposed to channel BOB. But BOB did a LOT of maniacal laughing, which Mr. C doesn't do even once. Weird.

One of the reasons I think Lynch does so much dialogue-free stuff is because I think he often has a tin ear for dialogue. Mark Frost helps, but I still felt Bill and Phyliss' confrontation in the cell felt like TV drama instead of real drama.

Big smiles at both James and Shelly at the end. This started the staple of The Return having a guest band at the Road House playing a song over the ending credits. Frankly, I prefer the original's version of Laura Palmer's Theme over her homecoming photo, but again, nothing about this relaunch ever goes the way you think it should go.

Shelly is wrong that James is cool though, or at least that he's always been cool. Every action he took on the original series was annoying. There is a reason he was drawn to Donna Hayward. It's because she was the only person on the series more annoying than he was.

That scene sets up a couple of new players: Freddie and Red. Red doesn't have any dialogue (other than the finger gun at Shelly) but you know he's important because he's played by Balthazar Getty.

The white horse! We get no new ideas for what it means, but it existing in the Black Lodge says for the first time in 25 years that it means SOMETHING and is not just a paranoid Sarah Palmer's delusion.

And your KNOW it's Sarah Palmer just by the cartoonish amount of cigarette butts in the ashtray. Nobody else in the world smokes that much. Well, maybe David Lynch.

Laura's trick with opening her face raises questions to me about Sarah's similar scene later in the season.

Do you know what else is weird about that scene? Coop's confusion over Laura being dead. He's been in the Black Lodge for 25 years and he STILL doesn't understand how it works? C'mon now.

The "wet" line says Mr. C is totally gross. Although that's probably also true of Lynch.

David Lynch is famously disgusted by the character of Leland Palmer, but Leland himself is trying to get better. His "Find her" to Cooper takes on addition meaning when the end of the season retcons Laura Palmer's murder. Is Leland hoping even then for his biggest regret to be fixed?

Seeing all this stuff in the Black Lodge as well as seeing Cooper's dream from the original series actually played out in real time in the future is something we've literally waited decades for. The sensation I got when seeing Cooper going through all these red curtains was "I waited 25 years for this." I'm not going to say the journey out of the Black Lodge was perfect (and I certainly think the persona of Dougie went on WAY too long), but damn, this was LONG overdue.

Kyle MacLachlan and Sheryl Lee played the HELL out of the scene. I don't know why there is so much heartbreak and regret in the scene but you feel every inch of both of their pain while they are saying so little.

I'm still having a hard time piecing together the timeline of when Cooper appeared in the box, and when Sam and Tracey were talking about the box. I wish I had a better grasp on that.

We see Glastonbury Grove again after 25 years. Did Hawk ever see the red curtains before? He did now.

First glance of one of the Woodsmen in The Return in a prison cell (he disappears like smoke). Have they always been keeping tabs on Bill Hastings?

Phyllis seemingly knowing Mr. C raises a LOT of questions. It's ALL the same mystery. We just don't have all the pieces connected.

Jennifer Jason Leigh still looks amazing in 2017.

Look at Mr. C's gross and deformed henchmen. Only David Lynch hires actors who look like Buella. It's part of the mystique (but you might lose your lunch).

By the way. There is a TON of nightmare fuel in The Black Lodge. I think the last episode of the original series was purely terrifying, and this topped it on every level. I won't say it was scarier than the Leland reveal / Maddie Ferguson's murder. But it WAS far more graphic, which is worse on some level.

Dedicated to Frank Silva. For some reason, that dedication is not as touching or meaningful to me as Catherine Coulson's. Simply because of who he played. Not his fault technically, but the fact that BOB remains the single scariest character television ever produced means I don't have the hankies ready either.

This show still has the ability to shock and surprise. 4 stars.

Parts 1 And 2 Combined Feature-Length Presentation

As originally premiered on Showtime. I prefer the separate episodes. The Black and White end credits of the Fireman listening to the gramophone scratches are absent here. 4 stars.

Part 3: Call For Help

It's all right. It's not like I ever planned to sleep ever again.

David Lynch is the only director who terrifies the pants out of me without having to go all bloody and gory. His imagery is horrifying enough.

My jaw isn't dropped as much this time out so I'm looking over the details of the Naido / American Girl sequence. I notice something interesting that I haven't heard anyone else comment on yet. Look at the box Coop and Naido pop out of that travels in space. Attached to the top of it is a device shaped like a giant bell that has dials on it. Dials can also be seen in American Girl and Naido's environments. Along with Mr. C's empty box in New York has anybody ever pointed out or ruminated on the fact that it is highly suggested traveling to and from the Lodges involves technology and science, rather than magic? The devices suggest the horrors of Twin Peaks are scientific and alien rather than magical and supernatural. I wonder why people haven't brought that idea up before, because as far as clues go in such an elusive mystery as Twin Peaks, that's a pretty damn big suggestion and limb the series is asking me to crawl out on. But this episode also solidified in the audience's mind the reality of the Black Lodge. As far as The Original Series goes, I believe there is controversy attached to that, and it is open to interpretation. Lynch himself blames Leland Palmer for what he did, which isn't even his fault if he's possessed. Whether or not BOB is real, or if Leland, Laura, and then Cooper are actually crazy, was never answered fully in the 2 seasons and the movie. For The Return, it's clear it's ALL real. Every last bit of it. I think the greatest demonstration of it is how involved Gordon Cole is in the weird goings-on. That used to be the sole provenance of Cooper on the original series, just to add more mystique as to whether or not Cooper is a madman. But Gordon sees this. Albert sees it. The entire cast sees it in the second to last episode.

Lynch is not beholden to answer ALL of our major questions. But if you think about it, that was our most major unanswered question from the original series and Lynch answered it definitively over and over again. That's one of the reasons I am not as disappointed in the relaunch as some hardcore fans. We DID get that specific major answer.

Also clear the escape from the Lodge is Cooper entirely. He doesn't suffer the catatonia he does until he enters our world. Annie Blackburn's fate hints this is a symptom of that, but Gerard saying this was something done to him suggests it's the real (fake) Dougie that is responsible. In the end it is both unclear and doesn't really matter.

Is Naido's location the Fortress On The Sea, i.e. the theorized White Lodge? Maybe. But things aren't exactly monochrome, although the light DOES become either purple hued or red outside and in, and the rest of the color is gone, so maybe.

Either it's good news Major Briggs is still alive despite literally losing his head, or the beloved guy is in some kind of Hell. I love Garland so much I choose to believe the former.

American Girl's watch is digital. Interesting.

She warns Cooper to leave because her mother is coming. Is her mother Judy? I suspect so.

The irony is, the tone of the episode is completely uneven. Once Cooper gets back to Earth, the episode becomes light and funny. I'll discuss the moment with the bunnies soon, but I want to talk about Mr. Jackpots a little bit first. Because it's a great moment, and I don't know if people really understand it's a totally Twin Peaks moment. The Avant Garde horror film sexual subversion stuff IS Twin Peaks. But what nobody ever gave Twin Peaks credit for was how accessible it was for general audiences. Every time I see the Pilot there is a moment that slays me. After shutting down the Packard Sawmill, one of the workers silently gives Catherine Martell a dirty look. Just a look. Nothing he would dare say out loud to the boss. She then walks up to him and asks him his name. He gives it. She repeats it and tells him he's fired. Don't EVER tell me Twin Peaks was never relatable or something the average person could not get and appreciate. It's not true. Twin Peaks isn't exactly a feel good franchise. But it's often an enjoyable one. Mr. Jackpots fits into that perfectly.

And the humor feels more in line with Twin Peaks than some of the cringey stuff from Season 2. I think the big difference with the jive with the Little Pine Weasel and Ben Horne's Civil War delusions is that those cringe comedy bits were played with an off-kilter wink and a nod at how outrageous and subversive they were to be placed in this specific show. Mr. Jackpots fits instead because the subtext is purely sincere and 100% earnest. Lynch isn't trying to be too hip for the room. He's trying to delight the viewer and I am more than happy to oblige.

The great thing is that the Jackpots are never in question for the viewer. It makes little sense but the viewer knows every one of those is going to be the Jackpot. And we don't know WHY we know that. Or what the specific power Coop got that did that. But it's right.

We see Dr. Jacoby spray-painting the shovels he ordered gold. Not because it's necessary to the plot. But because David Lynch believes it's visually interesting. He's wrong, by the way, but I almost can excuse the guy sweeping the floor thing later in the season. But this simply is not that.

Black Lightning's Nafessa Williams has an amazing nude scene as Jade, and this was where I first took notice of the actress. She's also incredible in the role. Probably because you can tell she doesn't want to care about Dougie and does anyways.

"Jade's gonna have to give you TWO rides?" Never let anybody ever tell you Twin Peaks was inaccessible.

Dougie's scene with Mike in the Black Lodge is tragic, which is surprising since Mike / Gerard is a character that is shown to be evil as often as he is good. But there is genuine sorrow at the fact that this poor sap was manipulated into existence as a loophole for Mr. C to not have to return to the Black Lodge. It's a great scene.

Dougie is one of the only three characters in franchise history who speaks normally in the Black Lodge.

The relaunch is so in-demand for actors, Meg Freaking Foster has a cameo role in the casino as the woman who makes change, and only has a couple of lines. That is how badly amazing actors wanted to work with David Lynch. They'd accept any bone thrown to them.

Dougie having the Jade Ring (whose importance is clarified in The Secret History Of Twin Peaks) raises a LOT of questions for me.

Dougie and Mr. C puke up creamed corn (or Garmonbozia). If creamed corn does in fact stand for the pain and suffering the Black Lodge dwellers ingest, it's interesting that while he is in danger of going back to the Red Room, Mr. C is holding his mouth shut so as not to lose any of it. The pain and suffering is something he believes is keeping him on Earth. Interesting thing to think about.

People in Vegas do nothing but help and be kind to Dougie. I noticed everyone at his office does that too. Everybody who sees him struggling always aids him.

Finally, besides Mr. Jackpots, the other hugely entertaining scene is Hawk squabbling with Andy and Lucy over the importance (or lack thereof) of the chocolate bunnies to the Log Lady's prophecy. Michael Horse, who has played NUMEROUS Native American roles, has stated that Deputy Hawk on this show is his favorite. Because his heritage isn't a gimmick or everything that defines his character. Horse proudly points out the moment on the old show where upon somebody saying Hawk must hate all white people for what they've done to his people, that Hawk wryly says that some of his best friends are white. Lynch's racial sensitivities regarding Native Americans is not perfect. Johnny Horne is the worst example, but Lucy telling Hawk "You are an Indian" here is kind of tone-deaf too. But the reason Horse puts up with all that is because Hawk is the kind of character who is allowed the moment where he says, "It's not about the bunnies. Or IS it about the bunnies?... No, it's NOT about the bunnies." Native American actors are never given real and funny scenes like that because they are all portrayed as stoic, or simply entirely fixated on their heritage and / or agenda. Horse loves Hawk because Lynch treats him exactly the same as any of his other characters. And considering Twin Peaks has some of the best characters on television, of COURSE Horse would find Hawk his favorite role.

And yes, Hawk is precisely as awesome as described. It's not just Horse who thinks so. The character legit rocks.

I love how the scene opens with Andy clarifying that everything is currently here. And as stupid as he is, him saying it out-loud seems almost necessary. Hawk himself said he wanted to talk this out out-loud. Andy's pointing to everything being "here" is great for that reason.

Lynch was leery of the idea of people binging the show. He wanted them to enjoy the experience of watching it week to week. And while I understand the idea, the wide shift in tone for this episode, suggests this specific 18 hour movie simply isn't something easily digested in 1 hour increments. You sort of have to eat a FEW of the chocolate bunnies to get the bigger picture. And yes, it IS about the bunnies. 4 stars.

Part 4: ...Bring Back Some Memories

This is the episode where the revival really started to gel. I can't claim Naomi Watts as Janey-E and their son Sonny Jim are the ENTIRE reason the season works now, but it's a huge part. Her instant love and fury of Dougie is palpable, made worse because the viewer knows where the real Dougie was all this time. And the breakfast scene is delightful, especially Coop discovering pancakes and coffee for the first time.

Just based on his delighted reactions here, I don't believe Sonny Jim deep down believes Coop is his father. But I believe he thinks whoever he is, he traded up.

I would not be surprised if plenty of fans hated Janey-E Jones. She is always yelling at and hitting Coop while he is helpless and powerless. I like her though. Instantly. Because I got the sense from her first scene where she slaps him that she's tough as nails and doesn't suffer fools. And she's ANGRY about the money until she understands, no Dougie WON that, and it's theirs free and clear.

I will say this about the Dougie persona. People like him. I think people already LIKED the actual flawed Dougie, and since they did they are willing to help him when he seems not all there. It's part of the joke that only in suburbia could a catatonic person fly so heavily under the radar. But Dougie is the dream spouse for Janey-E. She tells him what to do and he does it. THAT'S why she and nobody else ever picks those threads. Dougie being a pushover and somebody everyone else projects their feelings onto means Dougie is the town's emotional support animal. There is no other way to read Coop's lovable role here.

I love the mug that says "I am Dougie's coffee". I need me one of those.

I love that Burns and Dougie get into a shoving match over the bag of money. I especially love his final note is to hope Dougie stops by again soon to try his luck again. I love that because every other show would have him telling him never to show his face around there again. This seems far more threatening to me (and funnier).

Bobby Briggs being a deputy is an interesting twist. I love when he sees the picture of Laura unexpectedly, he cries (and her theme plays to boot) although in hindsight it DOES seem a bit much, especially since he's a cop and probably had to see that photo a lot over the years.

But the real problem I have with Bobby going straight and becoming a cop is that the viewer is never made aware of the fact of whether or not Bobby actually paid for his previous crimes, or if he simply got away with them. But if it was ever discovered he killed a guy, he certainly wouldn't be a cop now, would he? It feels very off to me for that reason. I want to believe in his redemption. But perhaps putting him in law enforcement is a step too far in the other direction.

Robert Forster as Frank Truman was genius casting. His reactions to Wally Brando are hilarious. Michael Cera isn't exactly a kid when he plays him, but he still strikes me as the biggest twerp in existence. What kills me, and it part of the reason I forgave how insufferable he is when it it first aired, is that his parents are nothing but proud of him and are too dumb to understand why he actually sucks. He says stupid things, but because his parents are both dumber than he is, they mistake it for wisdom. It's equal parts funny and appalling.

Watching this a couple more times tells me a couple more things about Wally Brando. I REALLY can't stand him. Just as a person. He is only in the one scene because Lynch knows we won't tolerate him (somebody should have clued Gene Roddenberry in over this fact about Wesley Crusher) but he is the worst. The second thing I realized is I am not alone in my hatred. I think Frank Truman truly loathes this kid with every fiber of his being and resents having to play along to keep the peace with Andy and Lucy. It's just awful

I believe Denise Bryson is a positive representation of a transgender woman for the first time. David Duchovny was played entirely for laughs on the old show. And no lie, there IS some humor involved in who plays her, but Denise feels like her own person for once, and learning Gordon supported her back when it was unpopular to do so helps a lot too. The line was Gordon told the other agents to "fix their hearts or die". That is a beautiful way to put that.

Good build up to Diane at the end too.

Remember me talking about how badly actors wanted to work with Lynch on this? Richard Freaking Chamberlain has a brief walk-on role as Denise's secretary Bill!

The stuff with Gordon and Albert was good and bad. Gordon's frank discussion with Albert about Philip Jeffries were riveting, but I can't help but be super pissed at Lynch for creating a moment where Gordon and Albert leer at Tammy Preston as she walks away. I can't entirely blame Lynch either. Mark Frost is supposed to be there to curb Lynch's more unpalatable excesses about crap exactly like that. And him letting that slide in 2017 is doing him no favors.

Albert has become a LOT more laconic than he was on the original series. Some might say that's because he's mellowed decades later. My interpretation is far less charitable. The less he says, the more dumb people are left out on the ledge by themselves with zero help or reaction. I think the fact that Albert has mostly stopped overtly insulting people and just gives them hairy eyeball instead is done because Albert (correctly) perceives it is far crueler than calling someone a hick or a dumbass. The worst part is he can use this tactic on ANYONE, INCLUDING Gordon Cole, and it clearly unnerves them. It's not that Albert has gotten less cruel. It's that he's learned over the decades how to make cruelty more efficient and have a more lasting impact. Albert has essentially Gone Green with his bullying.

But again the scene at the end with Gordon and Albert is SO freaking real. I have never seen Albert played with that much regret by Miguel Ferrer. Which is another reason the character always surprises you. He can tell Sheriff Harry Truman he's a total idiot, and 30 seconds later claim he follows the teachings of King and Gandhi and feels pure love for him. That the great thing about Albert's prickliness. Some of it is a put-on. Some of it isn't. Figuring out which is which is the fun.

I have no idea why Mr. C talked slowly and deeply during the interview with Cole. If he didn't WANT to raise suspicions with Cole and Albert, that was a pretty stupid thing to do.

Gordon noting to Albert Cooper didn't greet him correctly is interesting.

The Man In Columbia mention gives us SO little insight to the Fire Walk With Me deleted scene in The Missing Pieces, but it gives us a TINY bit at any rate.

Philip Gerard only leaves the Red Room in the second to last episode, but on the original series and Fire Walk With Me, Mike could come and go as he pleased. I suspect because Michael J. Anderson didn't come back they sort of had to make him the face of the Black Lodge / Red Room instead. But it begs the question how and why he can enter and leave so easily.

The horse piss Coop takes reminds me that he probably hasn't peed in 25 years. And he's still been drinking a LOT of coffee while stuck in the Black Lodge in the meantime. I relate to his "Ouch!" and then "Aah!".

The thing that kills me about Chad is the fact that he makes it EASY for everyone to hate him. Taking several gratuitous shots at the Log Lady? In Twin Peaks? While she's dying? He wonders why no one sticks up for him when his corruption is uncovered. It's because of stuff like that. There is no Blue Wall in Twin Peaks for cops who talk crap about Margaret Lanterman. And there never was.

The series is subtly tying into the book The Secret History Of Twin Peaks, which detailed Major Garland Briggs' role as the Archivist of the town. That books seems a bit unrelated to everything else this season, but read The Final Dossier after them both, and everything comes together brilliantly.

The cell phone thing with Lucy is NOT a good gag. It's clumsy, and makes the character even stupider than she should be. Even Andy is frustrated by this, even while he comforts her. There is no reason this should be the problem it is. Somebody should have told that to Frost and Lynch.

Really good episode and it only gets better from here on out. Naomi Watts deserves a LOT of credit for the season coming together. 4 stars.

Parts 3 And 4 Combined Feature-Length Presentation

The musical performance at the end of Part 3 is slightly shortened but not much else is missing here. 4 stars.

Part 5: Case Files

I was wondering what the bit at the beginning at the insurance company had to do with anything and then I was like "Holy poop! That's Mike Nelson!" He tells a kid to straighten up and take things seriously, that is due to actual experience.

Richard Horne makes an alarming debut here. Like Leland, everything we learned about the kid this season couldn't have ended any other way.

LOT of Dougie stuff this episode. That's okay. He and Janey-E always steal the show.

Dougie accusing Anthony of lying is pretty much the most Cooper as Dougie has ever offered unprovoked. It is significant for that reason.

I love that the guy whose coffee he stole actually loved the green tea blend substitute. That is an unusual way to play that scene and a hint that Dougie actually makes everything better.

Although the guy bringing in the coffees is obviously holding empty cups. Kyle MacLachlan holds the coffee like there is liquid in it, but nobody else in the episode holds the cups so you believe they are actually full and have weight. Seems like a serious production oversight.

Mr. C's one phone call was alarming. You can tell there was some worry and recognition in the warden's face about "Mr. Strawberry". Unfortunately "The cow jumped over the moon" was a rare David Lynchism that didn't quite work. It felt ridiculous instead of profound. And what is going on in Argentina? Can answering machines be Tulpas now?

Him being able to set off the alarms in the prison just by dialing the right number on the phone not only proves that Mr. C is a techie, but that his gifts there are probably literally supernatural.

I love M.E. Talbot trying out her stand-up routine. She's a riot. I see what Albert sees in her.

Another funny pee scene for Dougie. The real Dougie has apparently been flirting with this hot young thing. Now that he looks like Cooper, she's into it.

It is revealed in The Final Dossier that Dr. Amp is not a con on Dr. Jacoby's end. Tammy Preston finds him socially conscious and she claims that after 9/11 he was essentially right about everything. And the money in the gold shovels he sells goes all to charity. We kind of thought Jacoby turned into an insane crank with Dr. Amp, but in reality he's doing good, which adds context to Nadine Hurley being smitten with him.

That being said the loving looks in Nadine's eyes upon the words he was saying is a bit weird. I get that she loves him personally. But I also think on some level she doesn't understand what he's trying to say.

I just realized this is the first time we've seen the Double R Diner in 25 years. That was a constant set for the original series that we saw practically every episode. It feels weird this is the first time we've been back on the revival. And Norma will NEVER stop caring about Shelly's well-being. Never. Not even 25 years later.

The moment of Becky high in the car as "I Love How You Love Me" plays is joyous, sad, and creepy at the same time. Very effective montage.

I LOVE the look on Truman's face when Doris screams "You're impossible!" You wonder why he held his tongue about Wally Brando? Practice. Forster is BEYOND chill in this role. He's one of the few sane characters on Twin Peaks. Therefore there is always a bemused expression on his face that I love.

The deadpan cool reaction on Frank's face spoke volumes. What a mess.

The moment with Mr. C telling BOB he was glad he was still with him in the mirror is great because the CGI is so subtle you can't exactly be sure whether or not Kyle MacLachlan is simply making a face like Frank Silva's instead.

I still couldn't believe Lynch cast both Jim Belushi and Robert Knepper. I will argue this is the first role in Belushi's entire career worth anything.

I totally forgot Ernie Hudson had a role on The Return. Rule of thumb about genre: If it's awesome, chances are Ernie Hudson was involved at some point. When he inevitably shows up on Star Trek and Star Wars I will not be remotely surprised.

When Preston is looking at a photo of a younger Cooper, he's in front of the red curtains from the Red Room. Where did she get that photo?

The end with Dougie at the statue was both funny and sad at the same time. Which is pretty much Dougie's entire arc to me. I mean when he cries seeing Sonny Jim in the car, I knew things had gotten nice and messy. Already. I want Coop back but not at the expense of Sonny Jim and Janey-E.

It was a solid episode. 4 stars.

Part 6: Don't Die

That scene of Carl Rodd comforting that mother and her dead son is why Twin Peaks matters. I don't know those characters and yet my heart is broken and I feel every inch of her pain. It's amazing to hurt this badly for people you don't know. This is value of David Lynch. It is a devastating moment of pure beauty and immense power. It should NOT be beautiful, but it is.

The yellow light of a soul entering Heaven? I think so. It is a wonderful moment of both pain and beauty.

Richard Horne is every bit the bastard his father is. Maybe even worse because Mr. C seems perfectly willing to take responsibility for his actions, while Richard is a whiny little snot-nosed punk who blames everyone but himself for his failings.

A less powerful death (but nonetheless shocking in its bloody violence) are the antics gotten up to by Ike the Spike. Seriously scary little dude.

After seeing this a few times I realize Lynch has hinted he's crazy before we ever see him kill anybody. When we first see him he's rolling dice, and writing the numbers down in a notebook. Why is he doing that? That speaks of a far more unorganized mind to me than being a mere serial killer / hitman.

I love the moment where Dougie's boss Bushnell is angered by the scribbles Dougie turns in, but he soon sees a larger secret truth hidden in them that the audience doesn't. The spirits are willing Coop to do right, even with diminished capacity. And it's partly why he's improved everyone's lives.

Janey-E is a pure badass, and a force of nature. Her handling of those bookies is great because you know she HAS the money to the pay them back, but scares them off so much they accept a ridiculously lowball number. It's so much fun. And I love how furious she is over Jade. I especially love that Coop looks upon Jade's picture fondly. Not helping, Coop.

Jeremy Davies continues to confound me in his career choices. Dude is kind of hunky, and could have written his own ticket to leading man stardom after "Lost". But he pretty much exclusively plays weirdos and freaks since then. He and his partner's reaction to Janey-E ("Tough dame") was excellent because it told us immediately the matter was closed, and they wouldn't be pushing it further. I have my doubts that she scared them. What she DID do was impress them. Usually bookies only say you are square when THEY say you are square. Janey-E gets a pass simply because she's a badass. It would be weird if she didn't.

It's the fact that Cooper looks fondly at the photo of Jade which is probably what's throwing Janey-E off her rage game with Dougie. His reaction to being caught in an affair is outright weird. She kisses him on the head after the fight because he isn't behaving as a philanderer should. For Cooper, Jade is not a secret to be kept or denied. She's the nice woman who gave him a ride when he was lost. And maybe I've overthinking it. But him looking at Jade fondly might have something to do with Janey-E not immediately filing for divorce. I could be wrong.

His scene in Sonny Jim's bedroom is beyond sweet. Dougie in the elevator also shows that he is super cute.

The drug dealer Red seems to be insane. And because the coin trick he pulled off is impossible, I'm guessing he has access to the supernatural as well, same as Windom Earle used to.

Laura Dern as Diane was a fabulous reveal. And it's like she was Diane all along. It's amazing. I love how she SLOWLY turns her head around. Great, cinematic build from Lynch there. He is VERY good at this.

Also love that as Albert is going through that downpour he exclaims, "Fuck Gene Kelly!" Really. Good call. The look on his face as he hears Gordon with the woman over the phone is priceless too.

The deputy who brings Cooper home is so kind. I love that he finds Cooper touching the badge endearing. Twin Peaks has a refreshingly positive portrayal of Law Enforcement. I don't mean it whitewashes how horrible cops can be (Chad is the show proving dirty cops exist). But like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, it shows how cops SHOULD behave. And that mindset needs to be put out into popular culture more. Most TV and movies have normalized abusive cop behavior. Like Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Twin Peaks shows kindness and helpfulness SHOULD be the ideal instead. Whether it's currently true of real-world cops or not (it isn't) it's important for some works of fiction to set the right example. And that's one of the (myriad) cool things about Twin Peaks.

I mentioned Chad makes it easy for people to hate him. The Blue Wall actually DOES exist. Probably even in Twin Peaks. You'd figure a corrupt cop would do everything in his power to not have that Wall knocked down when he would need it. I think it's on-brand Truman, Hawk, Andy, and Lucy are against him later on and part of his downfall. Yet, they aren't the only people at the station. Chad has absolutely NO defenders when the Blue Wall says he should at least have SOME. It's because of stuff like his mock-crying over the Trumans' son's suicide. If I were playing it as fast and loose as Chad is, I'd be a LITTLE more careful of who in law enforcement I pissed off, but Chad isn't just crooked, he's stupid. A bad combination.

Chad is such an irredeemable bastard. I actually think that fact makes him a less interesting character, and he's one of the few Twin Peaks characters EVER that's a total dud for that reason.

Considering the Indian Head coin and the Indian bathroom door logo are the things that tipped off Hawk to the diary pages, I have to say the Log Lady's prophecy of finding what was missing having to do with Hawk's "heritage" is actually a bit of a stretch.

Carl Rodd may have been a deep cut Twin Peaks return (and I love the dedication to the late Harry Dean Stanton) but I'm shocked Lynch actually brought back Andrea Hayes as the giggling waitress Heidi. 25 years later, and she Shelley, and Norma are still at the same spot. I love her so much.

Amazing television. 4 1/2 stars.

Part 7: There's A Body All Right

This episode has a LOT of interesting revelations, particularly the missing pages of Laura Palmer's diary, and the mystery that happened the night Cooper disappeared. That being said, there are definitely parts of the episode that frustrated me. Twin Peaks is a frustrating show in general, but there are good frustrations and bad ones. And I think the narrative dead end of Beverly and her ailing husband Tom is a bad one.

Seriously though, Beverly's anger at the poor guy is hardly a proportionate response.

Is the weird hum the spirit of Josie Packard, trapped in a drawer pull somewhere in the hotel and unable to rest? That's my working theory.

Ben Horne saying who Laura Palmer is is a long story is pretty on-the-nose.

Jerry is "HIIIIGGGHH!""

The segment of the guy sweeping the floor for several minutes is one of those Twin Peaks sequences where you're like, "I can't believe they showed that on television". I suspect many antsy fans view that sequence the same way Family Guy fans do their Conway Twitty stuff: A waste of time. And while I will not deny that it is wasting valuable real estate in a mystery with a set canon, unlike Conway Twitty, I think David Lynch is onto something in the idea that it's actually visually interesting. You are supposed to hate Conway Twitty. This is actually all right.

Jean Michel is a total dirtbag even by the standards of the Renaults.

I think it's interesting to watch Deputy Andy Brennan put in solid police work 25 years later. I actually think it's really cool.

Mr. C spooking the warden with the talk of Mr. Strawberry and dog's legs are the kinds of cool unsolved mysteries Lynch is great at. What does he mean by all that? And why is the warden so scared of him letting that information out?

I mentioned the revelations at the top of the episode review. One of the valuable things about The Return, that I don't think it gets enough credit for, is that is actually answers MANY questions viewers have had about the canon for 25 years. Now I imagine it doesn't get that credit because a lot of those answers raise a hundred more questions, but I think that criticism is missing the forest for the trees. What the answers we DO get regarding Tulpas and the Blue Rose, as well as the diary here say something incredibly important: There ARE answers to all of these mysteries in some hidden series Bible written by Mark Frost and David Lynch. Whether we actually find out those answers or not is not as important as the fact that the answers DO exist. The fact that Lynch and Frost aren't making this up as they go along the way Chris Carter did The X-Files or Tim Kring did Heroes, means that whatever theories we fans can come up with have the added knowledge that they potentially COULD be right. We just don't know. And as far as I'm concerned Lynch allowing MY interpretation of Twin Peaks to be the true one in my headcanon is an actual gift to me. I don't begrudge him for the unanswered mysteries at all.

I will probably never know but I sincerely hope those missing pages of Laura Palmer's diary were actually written by Jennifer Chambers Lynch. If David didn't get her to write those out, I'll be disappointed.

People may be disappointed at the lack of answers to The Return's new mysteries. But how can you hate a Twin Peaks project that essentially wraps up the few loose ends from the Laura Palmer investigation and Fire Walk With Me? Answer: I can't.

Dougie has Coop's muscle memories of how to fight when he or Janey-E are put into danger. I love it.

For the record, he is not the only defender in that marriage. Janey-E fiercely protects him when the cops question him as does Bushnell. In a short space of time, Dougie has attracted some extremely loyal advocates.

Janey-E is rude to the cops but respectful to Bushnell. I'd like to think it's not just because he's Dougie's boss, but because she likes him.

I just noticed somebody goes into the Double R asking where Billy was. Audrey Horne's mystery started a few episodes early.

Good to see Doc Haywood a final time and I like the episode being dedicated to Warren Frost.

The plot with Major Briggs' body thickens. What exactly happened to The Archivist? The Secret History Of Twin Peaks gives us only minor hints. The body is in its late 40's when Garland should be in his 70's, and it died only a few days ago. And is the missing head still alive as seen during Coop's escape from the Lodge?

My favorite Albert and Gordon moment has to do with the fact that Gordon is hard of hearing. When Gordon asks Albert to accompany him when he visits Diane, Albert coolly says "Say please." And Gordon yells "WHAT?" And Albert says quietly, "You heard me." And Gordon looks down and softly says, "Please." I mentioned Twin Peaks is accessible? That! That!

The stuff with Diane at the prison has completely unpleasant and horrific implications. Mr. C saying "I'll never forget that night" is absolutely chilling. But to honest, Diane's trauma and panic is a little odd to me, because the later part of the season shows that she's a Tulpa and the real Diane is elsewhere. And it's stuff like that which is why I felt the Cooper and Diane stuff in the final episode just didn't come together right. But if Twin Peaks actually ended right, it wouldn't actually be Twin Peaks. I'll live with it. Better than what we got 25 years ago for sure.

A lot of questions were answered but I felt some patented Twin Peaks frustration by the end as well. 3 1/2 stars.

Part 8: Gotta Light?

It's okay. I never needed to sleep ever again anyways.

This is the most shocking and horrifying episode of Twin Peaks of all time (which is a statement). During every second of it I'm saying to myself, "I can't believe this was ever broadcast on television." Pay cable, but still. It's shocking David Lynch was given the freedom to air something this bizarre, inexplicable and confusing.

Do I think this was always part of the plan for Twin Peaks? I do not. However if Lynch ever someday admits the IDEA for this is the reason he brought Twin Peaks back in the first place, I wouldn't be surprised. Well, actually I WOULD. Lynch NEVER admits where his ideas come from, or what they mean. But you know what I mean.

Twin Peaks fans are in two camps about what the best episode is. Some people believe the "Pilot" itself will never be topped. Others believe "Episode 2" (actually the third episode) with the Red Room dream sequence is the show at its best. And those were your two choices of favorite episodes. I think "Gotta Light?" just gave Twin Peaks fans a third choice after 25 years. I'm not saying it's MY favorite, but if it winds up the favorite of MANY Twin Peaks fans, I will not be surprised.

I guess if I'm reviewing the most ambiguous episode of the series, I should say what my interpretation is. As far as the Woodsman goes, I have no guesses. He's clearly connected to the Tulpas later identified in the season, but I don't understand his agenda or who he serves. His speech about the water and the well is interesting for containing a reference to a white horse, which we've established earlier in the season IS a significant part of the Black Lodge, and not just a grieving Sarah Palmer's hallucination.

The Final Dossier all but confirms the girl who eats the alien frog-bug at the end is Sarah Palmer, so I have a little more context for the rest of my speculation.

But I believe the Fireman and the fancily dressed woman (Senorita Dido) are in the White Lodge, and this is our second intro to it. I believe this means Cooper's scene with the Fireman at the beginning of Part 1 takes place there too, as does the black and white scene with the gramophone during that episode's end credits. I think the nuclear explosion either birthed or released supernatural alien entities, specifically BOB and the Tulpas, and they traveled to Earth through space. The woman and the Fireman created Laura Palmer and were her actual parents. They sent her spirit to Earth in the form of an egg, the frog-bug hatched, climbed into Sarah Palmer, and Sarah became Laura's birth mother on Earth decades later. There is a creation myth allegory to the death of Laura Palmer. Is it possible all of these things were set in motion to prevent Laura's death? Is Laura's spirit crucial to the survival of the White Lodge? Is that why BOB possessed her father and made him rape and kill her? Where does Cooper's doppelganger fit into that plan? Or the Tulpa he made that became Dougie Jones? I don't have answers to those questions, but I appreciate the episode because my imagination was allowed to get this far. And that's pretty damn cool.

The size of the window and the things we see inside it (including the theater) suggest the White Lodge is massive.

More theories and questions on my end:

The Experiment essentially vomits out the Twin Peaks entities after the nuclear blast. Is it the entities' version of God? What context does The Secret History Of Twin Peaks add to this? How about The Final Dossier?

Senorita Dido confounds me because we haven't seen her before or since. The fortress on the purple sea IS probably the White Lodge. But if Dido blessed the spirit of Laura Palmer before sending it to Earth, where is she now? The Fireman / ?????? / The Giant are all over the place. But for such a significant character in the Twin Peaks mythos where IS Senorita Dido currently?

The Experiment birthed BOB, and perhaps the Woodsman, but the Fireman created the spirit of Laura Palmer. Theory: Is Senorita Dido Judy? She seems awfully protective of the spirit, which might tie into the series finale, and that suggests why she might have been hiding Laura.

The bell with dials on it (as well as the gramophone) again suggests technology is a HUGE part of this. Mr. C being a techie might simply have been a necessity.

Ray seems to believe he's talking to Philip Jeffries but Jeffries himself later puts that into doubt.

The look on Mr. C's face as Ray tries to extort money from him is priceless.

BOB in the orb is frightening. Good hint about what was coming in Part 17.

The New Mexico husband and wife who escaped the Woodman have no idea how lucky they are.

Did the people who heard the Woodsman's broadcast pass out? Or did they die? Why didn't Sarah (she fell asleep normally)? If that happened why did the Woodsman make the broadcast in the first place? What is the goal? To lull Sarah asleep and put her in a trance to widen her mouth and allow the frog-bug in (horrific visual by the way)? Does that mean the Woodsman might be working on the side of good despite being clearly evil?

Why did the Woodsmen rip apart Mr. C's body? Did Phillip Jeffries send them? Were they trying to extract BOB? They APPEAR to have succeeded here, but by the end of the season we see they clearly did not. How and why didn't they?

A horse can be heard over the end credits. I almost missed that bit.

The visuals in the episode were beautiful, amazing, and feature film quality. Lynch could never have done this on a weekly ABC budget. The fact that MOST of the episode is dialogue-free gives them and the things that happen during it an extra sense of power.

I love seeing the mythical origin of the Convenience Store. Now, I ordinary give Lynch and Frost a LOT of leeway, and I don't believe they are making this nonsense up as they go along. But if Lynch ever told me this was the exact thing he had in mind by the convenience store line in 1990, I simply put, wouldn't believe it. It's a beautiful tie-in and explanation 25 years later. But it strikes me as something that only hit Lynch and Frost this time out. I believe in the rumored but never seen Twin Peaks Series Bible from 1990. But I don't think that was a part of it. No way.

I hate Nine Inch Nails, and I hate that song. It's the one part of the episode I can't stand. It's probably the sole reason this is NOT my favorite episode.

Patented David Lynch head wound here. Two actually. Gorier than any others so far, so lucky the flashback sequences were in black and white.

I honestly think Gotta Light? answers everything we never knew about Twin Peaks. The problem is the answers are essentially 42. In The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the answer to the Meaning of the Universe is "42". But nobody knows the question so it answers nothing. The dialogue-free happenings HERE explain nothing out of context, so even if Lynch and Frost are giving us the full picture and the store away it tells us nothing and allows us to frustratingly have to interpret what we just saw ourselves. Well, some people find that frustrating. I find it exciting and irresistible.

For most revivals fans sniff that they should have left well enough along. For Twin Peaks, "Gotta Light?" means Twin Peaks' encore was not just amazing, but probably necessary to TV history. Twin Peaks still has the ability to shock and be unlike every other series on television 25 years later. Twin Peaks influenced much of television in the decades that followed, but the truth is there will NEVER be another show like it for this very reason. Twin Peaks was literally the only show where anything could happen, and there were absolutely no expectations an audience member could fairly demand. It's why the show burned so bright and fast, and also probably why Lynch was wise enough to understand this miniseries is almost certainly the last hurrah. Worth the 25 year wait if you ask me. If only for "Gotta Light?". 5 stars.

Part 9: This Is The Chair

I love this episode for reminding me the reasons WHY Major Briggs was awesome and my favorite character back in the day. Bobby's love for his father is real and totally justified. Truman asking him if he was having fun was great. And the scene with Mrs. Briggs was amazing too.

Unfortunately the girl with the rashy armpit is the worst part of the season. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. Lynch inexplicably ending the narrative there makes it the single worst ending in the franchise's entire history. What was he thinking?

I like that Albert digs the female mortician Constance because she one-ups his marbles quip. I dig her too.

Ben Horne actually succeeding at being a good man. Who'da thunk it? I thought the way he turned Beverly down was not just gallant. It was both gentle and understanding. The character has come a LONG way from the Prime Suspect he was on The Original Series.

Speaking of that, I laughed as Jerry's talking foot. Both weird and hilarious. "I am not your foot!" Subtitles add to the humor.

Matthew Lillard's performance as Bill reminds me greatly of Grace Zabriskie's performance in the Pilot. It's something a cynical person would find comical and a sincere person would find tragic. My complaint is that Lynch did the wrong narrative thing and had Albert call him a fruitcake, undermining any viewer who took his pain seriously. Unfortunately, Albert needed to be there, and that reaction is totally in character. But if I were Lynch, I would have cut away before he said it, or simply not cut back to him at all.

His talking about the Bahamas was actually quite disturbing and creepy. Albert may be an asshole, but he's not exactly WRONG that the guy is a fruitcake.

Bill mentions the Major talked about being in hibernation, and I wonder what does that mean? And his head leaving his body means it was deliberate, and even if his body is dead, he isn't. Right?

For the record, Tammy Preston is a total pro.

Bushnell Mullins' scene in the police station was awkward, and so was the scene in the hall with Tammy, Cole, and Diane. At least until he took a drag off her cigarette. His reaction to it was interesting.

Diane is very good at making awkward silences even more awkward. But at least she'll share her smokes if you ask nice.

Nobody wants to open the door for Chad. Gee, I wonder why. That long tense pause before Hawk actually gets the door says everything. As does Truman asking Bobby to open a window after he leaves. This suggests there is a stench about Chad.

I think Hutch and Chantel and are the only people on Earth Mr. C has a good working relationship with. I take note of that. Hutch even offers up his wife for kissing and luvin'. It's weird, right? They seem to be the only people who like and are actually concerned about Mr. C.

I love when Diane is told she can't smoke she's like, "It's a fucking MORGUE!" I personally don't find antismoking rules anywhere in society TOO restrictive, because I hate the smell. But really, no smoking in a morgue? That's weird.

Also weird that Ike the Spike apparently has a normal speaking voice. Sort of ruined the illusion of his monstrousness there a little.

Lucy and Andy's stuff about the chair is annoying. This shit doesn't get less aggravating 25 years later.

Gordon telling Davis he didn't appreciate his language when he mentioned Buckhorn is classic Gordon Cole, as is him unironically utterly the phrase "Cooper flew the coop!" Even Albert would have said that line with a trace of humor. Cole's delivery being sincere is pretty weird.

Solid episode with a shockingly bad ending. I'm giving it a failing grade for it, which is unusual. 2 1/2 stars.

Part 10: Laura Is The One

Richard Horne is the definition of a Bad Seed. It's bad enough what he did to Sylvia and Johnny. But he went and called her the c-word for it. The kid has no redeeming qualities. It's says something brutal about Chad that he's his back-up.

And I realize that Miriam was the lady who gave Heidi that huge tip a few episodes ago. I LIKED her. And Richard nearly killed her like she was nothing. He is pure evil and truly BOB's son.

Ben Horne's new leaf is NOT total. Can you believe he's refusing to send Sylvia money under THAT circumstance? Geez, Ben. Little perspective.

Johnny Horne was recast from The Original Series but I think that's okay.

What was up with that weird talking teddy with the plastic dish as a head? It was pretty annoying during a brutal scene.

I love that Albert took that snarky mortician Constance out on a date. Gordon is happy for him too.

What did the vision Cole had of Laura mean? It wasn't brought up again, and Gordon never told anyone else about it.

Mr. C being photographed near the black box is the first proof he owns it, which The Final Dossier confirmed.

The Mitchum Brothers are hilarious. Candy is stupid and I love that they refuse to fire her because she has nowhere else to go. As far as fictional mobsters go, that's pretty far outside of the rest of them. I love while she's devastated for having hurt Rodney, he halfheartedly is trying to comfort and reassure her. You instantly like the brothers just because of that. Bradley confusing the "Shame you on you, shame on me," phrase was pretty damn funny. There outrage over Candie being unable to bring Tom to them while watching her pantomime nonsense on the camera was sublime comedy. Don't let anybody tell you Twin Peaks is inaccessible.

But they can't fire her. Because she has nowhere else to go.

You know, Chad, if you wanna be a corrupt cop, stop making people suspicious. It's not just Lucy who thinks you are up to something. Even the mailman is giving you the stinkeye. He is REALLY bad at this.

Hawk always being silent on his phone calls with the Log Lady is kind of maddening. Of course Margaret's pronouncements here themselves are kind of maddening, so it sort of adds to the mystique.

Dr. Amp is definitely unhinged here. It impressing Nadine suggests she's nuts.

Janey-E suddenly noticing Kyle MacLachlan is ripped was funny. Their sex scene was both sexy and hilarious particularly Coop's reactions. Poor Sonny Jim having to hear that. There is no nudity shown but it's still one of Naomi Watt's sexiest non-Mulholland Dr. scenes ever. Her back is gorgeous I must say.

"No Stars" by Rebekah Del Rio is one of my favorite ending songs of the season. The credits say David Lynch cowrote it. The lyrics are so dreamlike it's not a HUGE surprise.

Solid outing. 4 stars.

Part 11: There Is Fire Where You Are Going

This is my favorite ending of the season. It might be my favorite ending period. It's certainly my favorite since Episode 2 way back in 1990.

The love and joy of the Mitchum Brothers at the end is made more rewarding for me because they are played by actors who previously only played characters I greatly disliked. But Twin Peaks gave both Robert Knepper and Jim Belushi these totally genuine, lovable roles, and I like both actors now. I understand people take shots at Jim Belushi. But after seeing him here, and seeing how much he loves and care about Dougie, I refuse to do that reflexively going forward. He's does a crappy project, I'll call him on it. But I won't preemptively call the project crappy or make fun of his career anymore. And Knepper, man. I can't get over how much I love Rodney when he's the exact same guy who played T-Bag on Prison Break. It's amazing.

Just look at the love and affection in their eyes. And when the crazy slot lady comes up, tells Mr. Jackpots he saved her life, and she tells the Mitchum brothers she hopes they know how special their friend was, I was like, "Aww!" And it was Robert Knepper and Jim Belushi that made me do that. The twinkle in both of their eyes at that is not something I knew they had in them. Her telling the Mitchums how special their new friend it is great, because she won that money at their casino. And they now think that fact is cool. It's such an amazing thing.

It's a cherry pie. Of course. There is nothing else it could be. Perfect reveal. And again when Belushi is insisting to Knepper that if the thing in the box is that specific thing they can't kill him and he isn't their enemy is amazing. And they frisk him and find the 30 million dollar check. It's a wonderful ending.

Knepper's performance upon the reveal is absolutely fantastic. The way he says the lines "Is that a cherry pie?" and "Open it," are memorable enough to be iconic. It's just purely amazing.

Gerard / Mike directing Coop to it suggests Bradley's dream was gifted to him by the series' supernatural entities. Candie's scar being healed doesn't make logical sense. What the unlikelihood of it does is gives Bradley's dream credibility. His scene with Rodney where they are debating the dream while Dougie holds the box is both riveting and weirdly funny.

The cool thing about Bradley's dream is that it's common for this show. Not only psychics or touched people like Sarah Palmer or the Log Lady are gifted with visions and prophetic dreams. This mobster is given one because he needs it, and it's for the greater good. Regular people on this show have dreams and visions that help them and the world in general. I don't think there was DEFINITELY anything supernatural going on with either Major Briggs or Agent Cooper when they got dreams and visions on the Original Series. I think they might have had them simply because they needed them and The Universe provided.

The stuff with Shelley and Bobby was hit or miss. I liked Bobby and Shelley coming together as parents and supporting their daughter getting out of a bad marriage. But I don't like that 25 years later Shelley still has terrible taste in men, and is still attracted to bad boys and criminals. And the scene with Bobby and the honking woman made me think his job outright sucks. The woman was outright repulsive and her screaming over the puking girl is the one part of the episode I hated.

The more I think about it, the more I think the honking and screaming woman and puking girl are unacceptable. Lynch does off-putting things all the time. A severed body part is frightening. Constant honking and screaming is obnoxious. It weird Lynch doesn't know the difference. And the puking girl is not the kind of gross-out horror I'm looking for. I repeat: Bobby's job sucks.

I feel like Shelley's romance with the criminal Red is the biggest loose end of the series. I wish Norma thought to protect HER and about HER choice in partners instead of worrying exclusively about her daughter's choice of partners. Bobby's look of hurt as she kissed that dirtbag also made me feel like crap.

I realize something in hindsight. Dana Ashbrook KILLS at reaction shots. Sometimes you can argue he OVERkills, but he's one of those rare actors that you feel exactly what he's feeling entirely due to the expression on his face. His hurt look at Shelley and Red said everything, and his daughter got a chance to feel sorry for somebody else for a change, instead of everyone feeling sorry for her.

I think I'm supposed to say "Aha!" upon seeing Gersten Heywood, but besides the fact that Alicia Witt is unrecognizable as an adult, I believe Lynch and Frost did very dirty by her in her next episode.

Saying goodbye to the Log Lady is SO freaking tough and both Catherine Coulson and Michael Horse are bringing the freaking goods. My heart is breaking and I love it so.

I love when Frank asks Hawk about the owl symbol Hawk tells him he doesn't want to know about it. Really? Really.

The scene with Gordon and Tulpas is neat because Lynch gave Gordon such a big role this season, he can do a lot of cool stuff with the mythology. And it turns out he and Albert know far more about the supernatural mythology surrounding the series than we thought. What's interesting is they probably know more about it than than us the viewers. They had access to both Archivists, Laura's Palmer's Secret Diary, and whatever classified intel exists on Philip Jeffries and Joudy and all the Blue Rose cases. And we had no idea. We thought these guys were in the dark compared to Cooper. Old Coop is gonna need to play some catch-up, even though he's the one who experienced the Black Lodge firsthand.

Cole actually saw a flashback from "Gotta Light?" with the bearded men in the room. Pretty frightening (and gruesome) stuff. The special effects on the sky tornado were pretty amazing too.

When Albert pulls him back right before he disappears, I'm like, "Albert for the save!"

"He's dead!" You think, Gordon? Hastings is one of the most luckless characters in Twin Peaks history, which is saying something.

I love that Angelo Badalamenti is the piano player at the end.

The only problem with the Mitchum brothers stuff is that it isn't sensible from a plot perspective. You don't send a limo and tell the dude's boss where he's going if you plan to murder them. The box (while mysterious) also is ridiculously big for a cherry pie. And everybody but Kyle MacLachlan holds their pretend coffees wrong. I always can tell those cups are actually empty.

Still, one of my favorite episodes of the series. Getting love and joy out of Jim Belushi and Robert Knepper is no small feat, and David Lynch has value because he did it. 5 stars.

Part 12: Let's Rock

A :LOT to unpack.

I think the biggest mysteries for me involve Audrey Horne. Seeing this again makes me question her reality. I believe she is in an insane asylum. Charlie is not her sadistic husband (there is NO way that gross little dude could land a dish like Audrey, even with the idea of some sort of contract out there). I feel like in the 25 years since we've seen her Audrey has really devolved as a character. She's petulant, vulgar, spiteful, whiny and needy. Audrey as seen on the original series was very independent and focused. If she is in an insane asylum with a torturous doctor it's tragic to me this gorgeous and self-possessed young woman who used to go toe to toe with Coop has become this bitter shrew. Still gorgeous. But still.

And although I question whether Charlie exists, whether Billy exists, or whether Audrey is actually allowed to leave wherever she is, the thing with Charlie looking at her coldly and silently after she angrily demands to be told what Tina said, says if this is the type of person Audrey is dreaming she's stuck with, she's in bad shape. This is one of the reasons I wasn't too crazy about the end of the season. Audrey Horne's fate was a loose end even The Final Dossier wasn't able to fully explain.

That look Charlie gives her when he refuses to tell her what Tina said is pure evil. Whatever Audrey's reality actually is, she is in a terrible place. It's actually a bit scary.

What's interesting about the scene is that we are given no context for it. We don't know the people Audrey and Charlie are talking about, or what their relationships to each other are. Or what specific things they are referring to. It's sort of the same with the women in the Road House at the end, but because we've never seen those characters before, it's lacking the sense of foreboding, mystery, and urgency of Audrey's stuff. I sense bad things are in store for Audrey Horne.

I adored the scenes between Ben Horne and Frank Truman and Ben and Beverly immediately following. Because the characters acted like and commiserated with each other like real people do. Lynch didn't always do that on The Original Series, made even more difficult because he didn't write or direct most of the episodes. But with his extra attention on this miniseries he's able to do it with no problems.

Still, during Frank and Ben's scenes I kept saying to myself "Just give him the keys, Ben."

Speaking of the scene at the Road House, the women discussing who was making out with who feels very realistic, but it's also a narrative dead end, and I feel like Lynch is wasting our time there. Not as bad as the girl with the rashy armpit, but ballpark. Probably the second worst scene in the season after that.

Carl was never portrayed as so kind and wonderful in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. He was kind of a jerk there. I like to think that even though he was old even back then, in the years that followed he mellowed out in the same way Bobby Briggs did. He's one of the kindest and gentlest people in town now. He tells the guy to stop selling his blood and to come to him. He is so kind and cool.

Cooper's scene is clearly told out of order from the last episode, but I think Lynch got it into his head that Kyle MacLachlan needed to appear in every episode so the continuity got screwed up. But it feels more than like an outtake than an actual scene anyways.

Diane's reaction to Twin Peaks on the phone says everything is coming together.

I thought the way the warden was murdered was TOO cruel. I didn't need to see his young son wailing over his dead body. That specific bit of pathos is unearned. Lynch is usually better than that.

I love when we visit the Palmer house we see the famous ceiling fan. The youth grocers' reactions to her insanity were pretty funny too.

Sorry, Hawk, Sarah is beyond help. 25 years too late.

The stuff with Gordon and Albert is probably the funniest stuff on The Return so far. What I love is that for once Albert doesn't made snide comments over the fact that an elderly Gordon is making time with some ridiculous French piece whose behavior and stalling is infuriating, and instead lets Gordon sit in the discomfort of the shade his eyes are giving him. When Albert ask him about what kind of wine it is, and Gordon says "11:05" the comedy tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. And then Albert STILL refuses to break character and say something insulting. So a confused and concerned Gordon puts his hand on his shoulder and says "Sometimes I'm very worried about you, Albert." The entire scene is off-putting and just about as cringe as the worst of The Office. And yet, I enjoy it, while I don't The Office's most awkward moments, which speaks very well of both David Lynch as an actor and director, and the late Miguel Ferrer as a comedy straight man.

And the straight scoop on the Blue Rose task force shows like Lynch understands the responsibility he is under by returning to the show at all. He doesn't have to answer ALL the questions. And he can't out Leland Palmer twice. But for an ongoing series, there IS an expectation that after 25 years he answers SOME of them, and some of those questions need to be major ones, including about the Blue Rose Task Force. This is all stuff we could have guessed or assumed, but Lynch is fulfilling his duty as a fair storyteller by laying it all out for us anyways. Regardless of whether or not Lynch tolerates questions about his works' mysteries in interviews or not, as far as viewers go, Lynch understands that after this much time we ARE due some big answers. Good for him, and good for the franchise for the answers there fitting everything from the original series. Which is good because it suggests this was the answer the entire time, and Lynch and Mark Frost did NOT just make that up on the fly. Good for them. Good for us.

Is the fact that Diane repeats the first line spoken by The Man From Another Place an early hint she is actually a Tulpa and connected to the Black Lodge? Maybe, maybe.

I am still a bit unsure of what to make of the episode. It's certainly an interesting and eye-opening one. 4 stars.

Part 13: What Story Is That, Charlie?

Another doozy with a ton of tastiness to chew over. Not counting Big Ed Hurley's pathetic Lonely Man Cup Of Noodles over the end credits.

I feel that unlike Bill Hastings' genuine pathos (which admittedly COULD be confused for comical) I think Anthony's blubbering simply makes him pathetic. As an actor I actually LOATHE Tom Sizemore, so a role where he looks bad is nothing I remotely object to. I have no idea why Cooper did the massage on his dandruff-flaked shoulders to begin with, but that random act of weirdness, was viewed as an act of kindness, and changed everything. I love that Coop as Dougie seems to be improving the lives of everyone in Dougie's circle, even if they don't actually deserve it. It's cool. And I love Janey-E's reactions to both the car and the new gym for Sonny Jim. It's great so see good things happen to good people.

That being said, part of me thinks Janey-E is missing the forest for the trees about Sonny Jim's happiness on the jungle gym. And I honestly think this was a rare narrative slip that Lynch didn't see. But what I most notice about Sonny Jim on the gym is that he's alone. He has no friends to play on it with, which is why you'd actually want one of those things to begin with. Janey-E declares Sonny Jim in Seventh Heaven. Is he actually? Or is he aware that he is missing out on a huge part of the experience with it that his overworked mother has overlooked? I wonder. I wonder that very much. A Twin Peaks mystery that seems to have happened by accident, but it raised my curiosity anyways.

As the people in Cooper's circle are being elevated, so are the people in Mr. C's circle completely breaking. Before we get to the arm-wrestling thing, I want to point out that if Audrey IS crazy, and everything we are currently seeing is a delusion of hers while trapped in an institution, it's clear Mr. C is the reason she's there. And I can't possibly loathe him enough for that.

Charlie threatening to "end her story" is chilling because we don't know what he means. Her reference to "Ghostwood" is similarly scary.

When Audrey asks Charlie if he's ever felt like he wasn't himself, it's unbelievably cruel he says he never has. Because everybody has at some point. But he refuses to ever show her the slightest bit of empathy. If he's a doctor I can see why Audrey is miserable.

The stuff with the arm wrestling was both interesting and predictable. I think the only question the viewer had ahead of time is how badly Mr. C is gonna mess with the guy before creaming him. Him winning is never in question for the viewer. And for a guy who speaks with zero inflection in his voice, he screwed with him pretty great. I would think he wouldn't have bothered killing the guy after the win except for the earlier sucker punch in the back of the head. For the record, Mr. C is right to sneer at that specific way to choose leadership. And yeah, I'll take that exact "nursery school" shot at Wakanda while he's going there. It's a ludicrous and stupid idea whether done by a gang of thick-witted goons, or a billion dollar comic book / superhero movie franchise.

You might think Philip Jeffries could potentially be on the side of angels for taking a hit out on Mr. C, but really, the explanation Ray gave as to WHY proves he's actually gone to the dark side: He wouldn't want what was "inside" Mr. C if he hadn't. Jeffries later claims it wasn't him in contact with Ray, but I'm not sure I accept that at face value.

Mr. C seems VERY interested in Major Briggs.

Honestly, all that Mr. C stuff was pretty great and hardboiled and believably written. You'd never guess it was in a franchise as often bizarre and ridiculous as this one. Lynch can write credible procedural stuff when he wants to. The guy proves here he can pretty much do ANYTHING when he wants to.

I'm going to slam James Hurley now. Forget the fact that "Just You" is a terrible song (and in fact the worst thing the ordinarily amazing Angelo Badalamenti has ever written) but it was pointed out online there is a creepiness attached a middle-aged guy singing the song he created with his high school girlfriend, and their dead friend who was Laura Palmer's identical cousin, made creepier for the fact that he's randomly hired two dead-eyed young women for back-up vocals in their place. James Hurley mostly made a favorable impression to me on The Return after spending the first two seasons of the show driving me crazy. THIS specific thing? Drove me crazy.

The business stuff with Walter and Norma is also credible, realistic dialogue. But I have to say the soap opera between her and Big Ed doesn't really work anymore 25 years later. Mostly because Walter is such a turd (and an unethical one) who doesn't understand Norma, so Ed and hers reconciliation by the end of the season is simply long overdue.

I'm not kidding about Walter being a turd. Every single piece of business advice he gives to Norma is bad. How is she sleeping with him?

Yes, it's been 8 years since this aired as of this review. I don't know what 2024 Peggy Lipton looks like. But in 2016 she looked amazing. If Helen Mirren ever bathed in the Fountain Of Youth, it was after Lipton did. It is bizarre how great she looks. Not even great for her age. Great period.

Also helping is Nadine falling for Dr. Jacoby. Aside from her realizing her dream of successfully selling silent drape runners, I do want to point out a difference between Nadine in 2017 from Nadine on the original series. This Nadine is not broken. There's plenty of evidence she's still crazy (she wouldn't be obsessed with Dr. Amp OR silent drape runners if she weren't) but she is not only happy, but content and at peace with herself. Her not sharing a scene with Ed, while it turns out they are still married, strikes me as significant and a big reason she wants to move on. They simply aren't in each other's lives the way they used to be.

Jacoby seems to dig her too, which I like.

That was pretty great. 4 1/2 stars.

Part 14: We Are Like The Dreamer

The history of the Blue Rose task force is fantastic and getting the name "tulpas" is also gamechanging. Tammy asking the right question about the significance of the Blue Rose impresses Albert, and it impresses me too. I loved getting all this information.

I'll tell you though, it pisses me off that Tammy STILL always has to get the coffee. I take unpleasant note of it every damn time.

I love that Monica Bellucci plays herself. The way David Lynch tells the story of the dream is riveting. We already saw the scene with Philip Jeffries reappearing in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, but it's interesting Cooper and Albert forgot it before now. It suggests the experience was both dreamlike and supernatural.

Freddie's story about the gardening glove and meeting the Fireman is great too. The way he tells it is mesmerizing. There is value in a story told entirely through dialogue. The Cockney accent helps, as do the small touches like him referring to the difficult salesman as a "Jobsworth". VERY cool. The Secret History Of Twin Peaks suggests many of the supernatural mysteries have national and even global implications, and nothing says that more than the Fireman contacting a Londoner. Of course Freddie also has a role to play in the climax. He is the season's designated Deus Ex Machina.

Nothing says James Hurley is luckless than the fact that he has to work late at night on his birthday. It makes me sad and pity him a little.

The stuff with Andy in what I assume was the White Lodge got me thinking where this aired that what was revealed would make him a good candidate for the next Archivist. Ultimately, that role went to Tammy Preston in The Final Dossier, but if Harry Goaz wasn't thrilled to see Andy allowed to behave decisively and heroically in the script, I'd be shocked.

It's so fun and awesome to see Andy put into a leadership position after the experience and everybody following his lead. Deputy Andy is taking care of business for the first time ever. Harry Goaz's performance was shockingly amazing, but he was able to land all of those dynamite dramatic bits in the White Lodge / Fortress Above The Sea completely nonverbally. Lynch gets the best stuff out of his actors and in the case of performers like Goaz it's stuff you never even suspected they had in them.

When Gordon is talking to a bewildered Lucy on the phone it's like its still 1990 and absolutely no time has passed.

Kyle MacLachlan DOES appear, but only in clips (from the film "Fire Walk With Me") and a brief cameo in Gordon's dream with no lines. This episode is dedicated to David Bowie. I wish he had lived to participate in the project.

Sarah Palmer has gone as crazy as her husband. The face removal thing, (demonstrated by Laura in the Black Lodge early in the season) raises a TON of questions for me. This is Sarah's last appearance in the season, and the ONLY clue about all this we get in The Final Dossier is that Sarah WAS charged with this guy's murder. We don't find out if she was convicted or what the face removal meant.

I love the fact that the bartender grumbles that the truth will come out, and Sarah gives him this frightening look, and he suddenly knows she actually did it, she knows he knows, and she knows he is suddenly scared to death that he is winding up the person who JUST did THAT. In public. It's not like jerk she killed didn't have it coming, but the days of Sarah being a shrieking victim are over, and probably have been for years.

This next observation will sound sexist, and in reality is neither here nor there. But as a bitter, old woman Grace Zabriskie is more attractive than she was as a shell-shocked middle-aged woman. I was wowed as how great Peggy Lipton looked in 2016. But I would never say she looks anywhere NEAR as great as 1990 Peggy Lipton, or that 1990 Peggy Lipton looked as great as Mod Squad Peggy Lipton. But for some reason, 25 years later Grace Zabriskie feels magnetic instead of repulsive. Again, this is neither here nor there. But it's weird, right? I guess a lot of people say men get "distinguished" when they get older. But if you ask me that's a load of bull, probably started by aging men. But no, Zabriskie legit looks distinguished now.

The stuff at the end of the two girls talking about the missing Billy, including finding out one of them is Tina's daughter gives added context to what is going on with Audrey Horne, as does the other telling Tina's daughter not to spend so much time at "the nuthouse". Whatever Audrey's actual reality, it's clear some of what she is worried about is real.

I hate Chad, but I sympathize with him thinking the jail had become a nuthouse. That so-called Drunk didn't belong in the drunk tank. He belonged in the hospital. Does the bleeding perhaps suggest he's Billy? I hope not. I hope a dude who looks that gross could never land Audrey Horne.

Chad has no friends when he's arrested. I could have told him the mistake he was making by being a jerk to every single person at the station, but dumb people never listen to me.

"Wild Wild West" by Lissie is another one of my favorite Road House songs of the season.

Janey-E is Diane's sister. Curiouser and curiouser. How did her ring get in Major Brigg's stomach? She and Diane are estranged. I'm think the estrangement is Diane's fault. But if Diane knows about Dougie they must never have met. She'd have recognized him as Cooper's Tulpa if they had. Weird that Cooper was involved with both sisters at different points.

I love that after he gets off the phone with Cole, the other FBI director throws a raging tantrum for no reason we can see. Twin Peaks always has its characters acting randomly crazy.

Interesting Goings On in Twin Peaks, in an episode mostly set in it. 4 stars.

Part 15: There's Some Fear In Letting Go

A lot of the reason I forgave Lynch for the unsatisfying ending to the season is because it wasn't a "Screw You!" ending. I mean, Ed Hurley and Norma Jennings were FINALLY allowed to get together in the most satisfying manner possible, and Nadine is given great character growth at the beginning too. It's not the same thing as Season 2's major dire cliffhanger.

Nadine's happiness means everything to me. And I love that she takes responsibility for her failings and lets Ed go out of pure love. Plus, come on, Dr. Amp is way hotter!

I always found the Ed / Norma 'ship a bit stupid. Norma is this ridiculously beautiful, hot woman and Ed is this extremely unattractive man. But when Otis Redding is singing, and he says, "Marry me," they kiss, and the birds fly, we've been waiting 25 years for that. As dumb as the 'ship is, we still needed the pay-off. And we got it finally.

Here's the great thing about the Redding Anthem "I've Been Loving You For So Long," It starts of very bluesy and tragic, which describes Ed's mood. But it ends triumphantly, which describes the proposal. Of course Lynch had to pause the song when Norma was dumping Walter's lame ass to make the triumph line up at the proper time, but still, good musical choice.

That being said I am unhappy seeing Gersten Haywood again under these circumstances. Where IS Doc Haywood anyways? Too busy fishing? He may have been a great father figure to Laura Palmer when she was alive, but he's done a crap job with his own children.

Gersten has sunk far from the child piano prodigy she used to be. What happened to her?

Audrey's stuff is tragic too, and the screaming girl in the Road House is also alarming. I really don't like Ruby's thing in hindsight. It's a girl going through some kind of mental breakdown for no reason other than Lynch is trying to scare us. Man, I don't like that.

Audrey's stuff with Charlie where she can't seem to leave the house is another hint she is not just trapped, but locked up. The fact that Charlie is fine in the next episode, with no reference to Audrey having attempted to kill him here says the things currently plaguing Audrey are probably not literal.

The Log Lady's death was so sad, although I wish Hawk had said more comforting things to her as she passed. I love that the episode was dedicated to a fictional character for the first and only time. When Lucy says "The Log Lady... DIED?" her tone tells you how significant the moment actually is. I also find it interesting Hawk is the person she wanted to spend her final moments with. Over the past 25 years those two characters have grown far closer than we ever could have imagined back in the day. I approve. Although I wish Hawk would say more comforting things.

I love the stuff with Philip Jeffries apparently having turned into a giant teapot. A LOT to unpack in that sequence, including him living above the convenience store seen in "Gotta Light?". Living about a convenience store has been part of the supernatural mythology of Twin Peaks since Episode 2's dream sequence. It is very much a part of the Tulpas and the Lodges.

The thing I love about Jeffries' portrayal is how badly he owns Mr. C. We don't find out who Judy is (or Joudy as The Final Dossier refers to her, or rather THEM, as the actual gender is carefully unspecified) but this tells us Mr. C is right to raise the question, and Jeffries claims either Cooper or BOB has met them before. I have real doubt Jeffries actually believes Mr. C is Cooper, no matter what he says.

So above the convenience store may actually simply be a portal to different dimensions. That fits if the supernatural beings live in the Black Lodge, and the portal is over the convenience store, so it being stated they live above a convenience store in Episode 2 actually tracks. It's like saying you live on a street.

I love that the name on the Convenience Store is "Convenience Store". Because that's not suspicious at all.

This is the angriest and most frustrated we've ever seen Mr. C., When he's appalled he's traveled to the phone booth the smile I have at his expense is satisfaction. Serves him right. Although it's about a tenth of the misery he inflicts on every single person he meets.

When Chantal takes out Duncan and Roger it's like, "Okay, based on the things she says, it was always obvious Chantal was a sociopath." Her doing in the same brisk manner as if she was filing an office memo is different because it's us seeing it in action. Lotta big talkers, especially in the criminal element, when it comes to badassery. Chantal however is exactly as crazy as she always claimed she was.

Gordon Cole being called out in the old movie was perfect. Where did Lynch find that flick? It's amazing.

For the tragic endings of most of the Blue Rose Task Force, when confronted with the White and Black Lodges and the Tulpas, instead of merely vanishing or meeting a tragic fate, Jeffries instead decided he'd be running the place inside of a week. There is no other interpretation to me than the fact that the entity that currently contains BOB left their confrontation so unsatisfied and angry.

Back in the day I was like "How the HELL did the Road House book ZZ Top?" In hindsight, they just played the "Sharp Dressed Man" on the radio. If you ask me, that's cheating. Not cool, David Lynch.

Do you what's interesting? Bobby Briggs LOATHES James Hurley for MANY justified reasons. But when he arrests him he is an utter professional and never mentions it. I love that Twin Peaks venerates good police work and professionalism. The glamorization of dirty cops in fiction does not in fact make people angry at the fact that those cops sucks. It makes people think they are hardcore and cool. Bobby doing his damn job with a person he doesn't like, and it being no big deal, is a refreshing thing to see on television for that reason.

Richard Horne IS Audrey's son. That fact getting Mr. C to spare him is worrisome for the right reasons. It also raises questions. Audrey obviously must have known Mr. C raped her when she was in a coma. And that he was Richard's father. So why does she keep a picture of FBI Agent Cooper? Did Mr. C contact her at some point in the years between to make Richard's parentage explicit? Is that why she might have gone insane? Lot of questions raised by Richard talking about that photo.

Equal parts satisfying and disturbing. Twin Peaks in a nutshell. 3 1/2 stars.

Part 16: No Knock, No Doorbell

"I AM the FBI."

Twin Peaks is not the franchise with a TON of crowdpleasing moments. That moment followed by Coop driving Janey-E and Sonny Jim while the Twin Peaks Theme played was easily the season's biggest and best one. About damn time, Coop.

The Dance! The Dance! Sherilyn Fenn has still got it. This episode proves that 25 years later Fenn is still a Goddess.

That ending killed me dead. Yeah, Audrey is clearly trapped in an institution. Damn you, Mr. C! Him coldbloodedly saying farewell to "My son" makes me hate him even more.

Really, I never EVER expected to EVER feel bad for Richard Horne. Mr. C is a special level of suck.

Tulpa Diane says Mr. C raped her (or more likely the actual Diane before he created Tulpa Diane). Judging by the real Diane's behavior in the final episode, that tracks. I think Dern's performance in the scene is so over-the-top because I'm betting that's what David Lynch wanted. I have to say, if that is so, it was a rare bad note on his end. I think a woman talking about that should be played with more realism, and less melodrama that could be confused for comical by cynics. Sarah Palmer's pain over her daughter's death is one thing to go overboard on. This is another.

Lynch however played his reaction shots perfectly, as did Miguel Ferrer.

Cooper telling the Mitchum Brothers they had hearts of gold is a classic Agent Cooper line in a season devoid of them. That is exactly how Coop would have put it on the old show. I also love that practically the first thing he does when he fully comes out of it is to stuff his face with sandwiches. Also Classic Coop.

I love how kind the Mitchum brothers are to Sonny Jim, and how kind Bushnell is to Janey-E. Dougie has made some genuine friends.

I love Rodney asking what kind of neighborhood this was. Good question.

The grand romantic nature of Cooper's goodbye to Janey-E and Sonny Jim just make me resent the final episode even more. Seriously mad just thinking about it. Sonny Jim insisting Cooper is his father is sweet, because even though he isn't, Cooper still agrees with him. His instructions to Gerard to make "another one" tie into the last episode. Hopefully because the next Dougie Tulpa will be manufactured by bits of Cooper instead of Mr. C, he will not fail his family the way the previous one did. I hope Cooper's DNA makes him a better man.

It's ironic that after all that, Hutch and Chantel get taken out in a case of road rage by a Polish accountant. You just never know who you are gonna piss off, if your entire demeanor is designed to piss people off.

I will say upon closer inspection I really like Hutch and Chantel's quiet conversation in the van while waiting for Dougie. This show is not known for realistic dialogue. I felt both characters talked like real people talked for once, even if some of it was actual specialized hitman stuff.

I found Chantal's reaction to Hutch asking if she was on the rag kind of awful in a refreshing way: "What the fuck if I am?" Man, there's something wrong with a woman telling a guy he's right about that accusation. There's also something RIGHT about a woman just not giving a frig and owning it like a boss. I'm a little torn here.

Chantal does nothing but eat junk food all throughout the miniseries, and she looks like Jennifer Jason Leigh instead of the rest of us her age who do that. It is NOT fair.

Great performance by Eddie Vedder at the Road House. It was amazing. "Out Of Sand" is one of my favorite songs of the season.

Tulpa Diane does NOT speak backwards in the Black Lodge. As far as I know, she's the only character not played by Kyle MacLachlan who does not.

When this episode aired, in my initial review, I instructed Coop to get back to Twin Peaks because his woman needed him. It kills me this is Audrey's final appearance instead. One of the reasons the end of the season frustrated me.

Both great things and tragic things occurred in this episode. Coop is back! 4 1/2 stars.

Part 17: The Past Dictates The Future

Arguably the most significant episode in the entire canon. It freaking undoes the murder of Laura Palmer! According to The Final Dossier, in the new timeline, the people of the town merely believe she's disappeared. And Leland unceremoniously commits suicide soon afterwards. And to see Pete actually going fishing is amazing, and dedicating the episode to Jack Nance felt right too.

I feel like Freddie's contribution is too pat, but at the same time, there is a real series finale (or at least final season) vibe to defeating BOB for good, and putting what remained of the Doppelganger back in The Black Lodge. There was an inordinate amount of wrap-up and callbacks for this reason. I feel this might have been a stronger episode to go out on than the next if we are being honest. The special effects there were excellent.

If the past dictates the future, Cooper cannot actually save Laura Palmer, whether she's murdered in 1989 or not. Maybe it was hubris on his end to ever think so.

Return of Julee Cruise. That freaking matters.

The clips from Fire Walk With Me remind me that that was a very powerful and significant film that was unfairly savaged by the critics. It did NOT deserve ANY of the crap it got, and it got that crap because critics were afraid of it, and would sooner die than admit they didn't understand something. They can go back to safely panning Matlock now. Fire Walk With Me MATTERED, and the crap it got is very outrageous in hindsight. It's probably one of Lynch's best films.

I had also apparently forgotten how amazing Sheryl Lee was in that film. One of the few positive reviews it got at the time said she deserved an Oscar nomination. I agree.

I love that each of the major cast members who did not appear on the relaunch were still credited for their clips from The Original Series and Fire Walk With Me. That is super cool.

I love how excited Andy and Lucy are to see "Cooper". They love him, and he is a bit of a legend around there.

As far as pay-off goes, Lucy understanding cell phones was not on my Twin Peaks bucket list.

Dale kissing Diane and her being so into it feels VERY problematic because of the finale. Especially after his goodbye to Janey-E and Sonny Jim. Their kiss also (justifiably) confused the Mitchum Brothers too.

Sarah destroying the picture is upsetting, troubling, and doesn't fit in with the death being undone. I am confused by it. It's probably the most horrifying thing in the episode.

Is Garland's head alive? It's not moving, so I hope not. That would be my idea of hell.

Still it would make SOME kind of sense he's in the Fortress By The Sea. During his disappearance on The Original Series it's hinted he was in the White Lodge. And the Fortress on the Sea is a VERY good guess at what the White Lodge actually IS.

Speaking of the Lodges, I am unsurprised the correct coordinates led to Glastonbury Grove. Honestly, I'm think Mr. C would have gone here first to begin with if he had a lick of sense.

More questions are raised about both Judy, Philip Jeffries, and his weird symbols, and Major Briggs and Agent Cooper's ultimate plan. Joudy is also described as an "entity". Intriguing!

The Transparent Cooper face in the climax of the episode was weird because I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it meant or represented.

That huge scene of the entire cast at the end is just complete pay-off for ALL Twin Peaks fans. Lynch is still invested in screwing us over in the next episode, but he pays some serious dues with that and I'm less mad than I should be because of it.

Jeffries is clear Gordon will remember the "unofficial history" if Cooper is actually successful in saving Laura. The Final Dossier confirms this, and also suggests this was a benefit conferred to the entire Blue Rose Task Force. It must have been, since it was mentioned, and Tammy Preston wrote The Final Dossier. (Major Briggs wrote The Secret History Of Twin Peaks).

Al Strobel STILL can do the "Fire Walk With Me" bit.

And the Jade Ring makes a reappearance and must be put on Mr. C before he returns to the Black Lodge.

We'll talk more about how the franchise wrapped up this season, and in The Final Dossier in the next review. Smack will be talked there. Let's get to it. 5 stars.

Part 18: What Is Your Name?

Laura Palmer may have been saved but I would like to report a murder: The character assassination of FBI Agent Dale Cooper.

This is going to be a difficult review. There is SO much to cover and I don't know if I can get to it all, or even say what needs to be said.

I think the first acknowledgement needs to be that most Twin Peaks fans were angered by that ending when it aired. For me, for personal and professional reasons I was delighted. What were those reasons?

The end of my comic book Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse ties heavily into Twin Peaks. I knew I could never nail the correct ending until I saw how the relaunch ended. I had a temporary ending in mind in case the Showtime miniseries fell apart (and it nearly did at one point) but my philosophy was that Gilda And Meek shouldn't and couldn't end until Twin Peaks did.

As of writing this review in 2024, I have yet to have put the final Un-Iverse issue to paper, but I can reveal the thing that pleased me about the ending is that I had to change almost nothing from my original ending. I added a single line and it completely fit and worked, which tells me I had a better grasp on Lynch's sensibilities than pretty much everyone else who was shocked and annoyed by that ending. So for personal reasons, I did NOT have the antipathy for that ending that most fans did.

But.. But... I knew when I got around the reviewing the Blu-Ray I would need to take a critical and non-selfish eye towards that finale, and talk about the legitimate reasons other fans were upset and to explore that. And in reality, whether it benefitted me professionally or not, the truth is this IS the wrong ending. Full stop. Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse being close doesn't matter. Especially because the ending to Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iverse will in fact satisfy the reader, and tug at the heartstrings in the right places and put a smile on their faces in the right places. Yes, because of this ending, I could more easily do the second thing. But that doesn't stop this ending from being unsatisfying.

The major problem with the ending is something I could have told Lynch. The problem is I don't think he'd agree with me. But just speaking as a viewer, Lynch giving Twin Peaks a Mulholland Dr. ending is wrong. It's doing wrong by the story, the characters, and the viewers. I love how crazy and incomprehensible Mulholland Dr. is. But it's different to have a movie having an ending that is a confusing mindscrew. We've only invested 2 and half hours in it and its characters. Twin Peaks had been around over 25 years, and people had been driven crazy by the fact that it was unfinished, and the final scene seemed to be a middle finger to the fans. Lynch needed to understand you do not have license to end a 25 year old TV show the same way you would an art film.

And I'll tell you the problem with this complaint from fans, and why Lynch wouldn't care about it if it was pointed out ahead of time. Lynch (rightly for the most part, wrong in this instance) did not behold either himself or Twin Peaks itself to the expectations of TV audiences. Mostly, that's a good thing, and has been why the series is as strong as it is, and endured for as long as it did. But still, it's the wrong ending.

Let me also take this moment to criticize the fandom of "Lost", who did nothing but crap on one of the best series finales in TV history, because it had the gall to treat them like adults, not answer every single question, and left some huge mysteries up for debate. That fandom was filled with NOTHING but snowflakes who would crap their pants at Twin Peaks. Lost's final episode may not have answered mysteries, but it delivered fulfilling character arcs and wrapped up the story itself in a satisfying manner that was a real tearjerker for me. I would have KILLED for Twin Peaks to have that kind of ending (either time). The fans of "Lost" were spoiled rotten brats unable to appreciate the gift "Lost" gave them in not just putting the characters in a great place at the end. But allowing the mysteries to stand, and not kill the Golden Goose the way the reveal of Who Killed Laura Palmer ultimately did the original series. I personally am glad we got that reveal, and think it makes the series more enriching upon rewatching it. But in the days before DVD's and streaming? It killed the damn show, and every bit of appeal it had left. Why should the producers of "Lost" have killed its appeal in hindsight by explaining the island and all the weirdness in the series finale? The fact that "Lost" fans actually WANTED that shows that they were total genre lightweights. David Lynch would eat "Lost" fans for lunch.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about this episode is how much time is wasted driving around. Even 5 minutes past Laura screaming could have achieved a FAR more interesting and satisfying ending, and the episode is wasting valuable real estate in driving scenes. The fact that the show had a five minute sequence of a dude sweeping the floor earlier in the season makes the fact that the show ended RIGHT when this boring-ass episode started getting interesting feel majorly unfair.

The ending sucks. No question. But I think the rest of the episode does too. I will concede I like Lynch being kind enough to gift Janey-E and Dougie a happy ending, but that is literally the only thing he does right in the story. I will not be giving this episode zero stars, not because it deserves the 2 stars I'm giving it, but because The Final Dossier by Mark Frost was such a perfect wrap-up book for the franchise, the ending isn't as infuriating as it would have been if that tie-in book didn't exist.

What is the problem with the rest of the episode? I'll get into various theories about what is going on, although unlike the rest of the season and series I don't feel remotely confident in my guesses. I'll explain why shortly, but before that I need to talk about why the rest of the episode hit me wrong.

It was Cooper. He was written totally out of character. Worse, there is a distinct possibility he was not. And that suggests the subtext to the character is actually loathsome and we just didn't know it until now. I love The Final Dossier, but it DOES in fact lean into this second interpretation, and discuss some of Cooper's many faults, most having to do with how he treats women, as damsels in distress.

He orders Diane around in the episode, doesn't take any of her misgiving into account, and basically tells her what to do before they have sex. Does he know Mr. C raped her? Because Lynch is not afraid to remind us that she is probably thinking about it during the sex, because she's covering his face with her hands, so that she doesn't have to look at him, and sobbing anyways. What the hell was Lynch thinking by doing that?

Cooper's stuff in the diner is problematic too. I don't care if he clarifies to the waitress that he IS an FBI Agent (although how believes he still IS one after having been gone for 25 years remains a mystery), he's still got a gun raised, and maybe she gave him Carrie's address because she felt threatened by that. And how stupid is he to put the guns in the deep fryer? He tells the cook to stand back because he doesn't know if the oil is hot enough to explode the bullets. Then maybe don't put them in the deep fryer, you dumbass. We basically spent the season of Twin Peaks without its most famous and lovable character, and in the episode we spend the most time with him, he's turned into a total tool. It pisses me off.

The more I see the episode the angrier this specific thing makes me. I haven't seen a beloved character go out this badly since The Tenth Doctor on Doctor Who. And at least the Fourteenth Doctor was able to redeem Ten a little years later. This episode being the last thing we'll EVER see of Agent Cooper? Unacceptable.

I guess before I end the review I should offer my theories about what is going on. Time travel is possible, as is jumping to an alternate universe. The thing that confuses me is both Cooper AND Diane seem to understand that crossing that highway will do that. How do they know that? And how is Cooper able to remember his identity as Cooper while Diane believes they are now Richard and Linda? And most stuff I can make a pretty solid guess about, because for the rest of Twin Peaks, even the original series, the mythology was solid and totally held up. The alternate universe ending isn't the only thing cribbed from Mulholland Dr.. Mulholland Dr. was a great piece of cinema. As a mystery? It's total crap, especially compared to Twin Peaks. There are a lot of plot discrepancies and holes that cannot be explained, even before Lynch turned it into a film dealing with an alternate universe. The mysteries set up in the TV Pilot itself are shady as hell from the get-go.

Is it the future or is it the past? The future would explain why Cooper and Diane appear to have disappeared again in The Final Dossier. Working against that theory is that Carrie is the wrong age for it, and Mrs. Tremond (!) suggests the past. The past might explain that. But there is absolutely nothing particularly retro about the episode, and nobody raises an eyebrow at Cooper's clearly modern car. If it's an alternate universe how are Cooper and Diane preparing themselves for it? What does the Diane doppelganger she sees at the motel mean, and why didn't she report it to Dale? Did the double actually replace her? Why does Cooper keep his memories but she does not? He does SO dirty by Diane I don't believe it's remotely fair he can reassure himself her leaving was a case of mistaken identity via crossed timelines and universes. It pisses me off SO much.

If he introduced himself as the FBI why is Carrie inviting him into her house in front of the dead body of the fellow she just killed? And why is it not an issue? Why does she not bring it up herself? Lynch's characters don't ever really behave normally. But if they are done right, they at least behave RATIONALLY, if even in their own minds. None of that is possible here.

Some more thoughts. It is possible Carrie Page is not Laura Palmer at all. Nothing in the narrative itself suggests that, but Sheryl Lee is billed in the credits at two separate characters, and Lynch usually only does that if they ARE separate characters. And face it, even if she's NOT Laura, Cousin Maddie proves identical lookalikes tend to scream at the Palmer place anyways.

Is Laura Judy? Possible because Mr. C has supposedly met her, and Laura's origins suggest she may indeed be an "entity". I actually think The Experiment is probably Joudy (It's showed up in Mr. C's box in New York so they COULD have met). But the implication of the diner is Judy snatched Laura out of time, and hid her to protect her, not just from BOB, but I'm guessing also from Cooper.

I've heard the arguments that Cooper was unable to save Laura after all and you can't change fate. She's obviously a broken person with a dead dude in the house. But I don't necessarily agree with that. The ambiguous ending means that has not been settled. Who says the dude didn't deserve it? And an alive middle-aged Carrie Page would probably prefer her life than being a teenage abuse victim raped and murdered by her own father. Maybe Carrie / Laura's timestream truly only got messed up because Cooper was foolishly trying to reconcile them and make them fit together when they didn't.

Nothing says Dale Cooper has a White Knight hero complex more than him insisting a middle-aged Carrie is "a 'girl' named Laura Palmer". His creepy "rescue" of the waitress also hardly acquits him of that accusation either.

What is the significance of 340 miles? Why do both Coop AND Diane seem to think it changes things when they stop the car? Gerard / Mike seems to be able to create life with electricity. Is that what the power lines signify when Cooper gets out of the car? Is he not just crossing over into a new Universe, but giving birth to Richard and Linda? The third Diane Tulpa at the motel is SUPER frustrating for this reason.

Why does the Evolution of the Arm quote Audrey's line about "the story about the little girl who lived down the lane?" What does Audrey have to do with the Lodges?

The reason I loved Twin Peaks before this is because no matter how crazy things were, you could come up with a solid explanation in your own head to the unanswered questions and mysteries. I mentioned before the cool thing about the mysteries is that it's clear that there ARE answers in a secret Bible by Mark Frost and David Lynch somewhere and we just will never know what they are. Except for this episode. I can't come up with a theory to explain ALL of the incongruities and odd behavior by the characters. And it's the first and only Twin Peaks episode that is true of. And yeah, that fact pisses me off. If David Lynch WANTED to mimic the best of Mulholland Dr., the shaky unsolvable mystery is NOT the thing he should have cribbed.

So, that's my review of the final episode. For personal reasons I appreciate it. As a fan and a critic, I think it's totally unacceptable. Whether I professionally benefitted from it or not. 2 stars.

Series Promos Produced By David Lynch

Lynch created the promos for Showtime. As such he leaked as little footage as possible, which is an admirable trait for a TV show, but bad news for great trailers. None of these trailers will ever be confused for great but I like and appreciate them mostly because they get you hyped for the series without telling you the slightest bit of what it's actually about. Overall: 4 stars.

Piano

Before last year I always sort of hoped in the back of my mind Lynch would surprise us again and do another Twin Peaks season 10 years from now. Even knowing how old he is, it was a secret wish. Since Angelo Badalamenti has passed, I don't see any point. It's like a DC Animated Universe relaunch without Kevin Conroy. Badalamenti is as important to Twin Peaks as Lynch, Mark Frost, and Kyle MacLachlan. In fact, I'd argue Lynch is the only one of those four more responsible for the show's success than Badalamenti was. There is no point revisiting this Universe with a different composer. Hearing him play Laura Palmer's Theme, one of the most sexual and satisfying pieces of music I have ever heard, shows why. Also Lynch uses the promo to get us hyped for the relaunch without spoiling a single frame of film. Neat trick. 5 stars.

Donut

David Lynch eating a donut does nothing for me. But "It is happening again" totally piques my interest. 3 stars.

Woods

The only actual new footage is Agent Cooper stepping out of the shadows. It's amazing Lynch was able to sell this show at all while spoiling absolutely nothing about it. 4 stars.

Places

Another trailer that reveals maddeningly nothing. 4 stars.

People

The first trailer with actual footage from the show and STILL nothing is revealed. 5 stars.

Albert

Actual footage! Oof! 4 1/2 stars.

In Cinema

I can tell Lynch hated having to do this trailer. He shows a LOT of unimportant shots and characters so as not to actually spoil ANYTHING big. I'm betting he resented having to present this much footage at all. Still, it's enough to drive you crazy. 5 stars.

Twin Peaks: The Phenomenon

These are promotional Showtime featurettes about the history of the original series and the (often alarming) fandom it inspired. Overall: 4 stars.

Part 1: Creation

This sums up how it felt watching that over the air pretty well. Bonus points for getting the normally frustratingly laconic Lynch on-camera. 5 stars.

Part 2: Life After Death

I honestly think Twin Peaks could have survived revealing who killed Laura Palmer if that was the only thing going against it. But the network, and frustratingly the critics, turned on the show the second they smelled blood in the water. One Twin Peaks fan described the pile-on from the critics as "They couldn't wait for the show to be canceled so they could back to feeling superior to Matlock and Who's The Boss?." You ever want proof that TV and movie critics do not remotely engage in a fair profession keep in mind how Twin Peaks' pretty good second season was universally savaged by professional reviewers. I say this as a reviewer who posts his opinions for free: I don't trust anyone who gets PAID to tell you their opinions about TV and movies. I certainly don't believe their opinions carry any more weight or validity than my own. Television being a wasteland in 1991 and Twin Peaks being unjustly blamed for that fact by lazy hack critics proves it. 3 1/2 stars.

Part 3: Renaissance

"Keep your eyes on the donut, not on the hole." Sensible advice from David Freaking Lynch.

I'm gonna be honest. Seeing the old Twin Peaks festivals on the Gold Box Edition DVD's made me feel like they were incredibly sad, small, and pathetic. In the years since, the fans have clearly upped their game and creativity, but I recall feeling a sad sense of embarrassment that the festival included a game of tying a cherry stem with your tongue. And the cast members who showed up were Twin Peaks Z list. SOMETIMES you'd get Kimmy Robertson, but usually it was bit players like Phoebe Augustine. The Showtime Relaunch had to have been the best thing ever for that community. I imagine that in 2016, for the first time ever, that festival was finally a damn EVENT! 4 stars.

Comic-Con 2017: Twin Peaks Panel

David Lynch's introduction video was magnificent and totally unexpected. Damon Lindelof spoke for me when he declared it WAY better than he could have predicted. By the way, "On The Air" was a solid ass comedy. This is a genre Lynch should return to.

Don Murray's story about the warm, inviting set is great.

Kimmy Robertson won the panel when the question was asked about why nobody seems worried about Dougie. She suggested that the suburbs were the exact place where someone could blend into the scenery while only saying one word a month. And what housewife wouldn't want a husband who does that? She brought down the house with that.

Kyle MacLachlan's story of Lynch saying "Mr. Belushi, am I going to need to send you to the principle's office?" was hilarious too.

I love that the cast was so accommodating and understanding of the disabled youth having a hard time asking a generic question. Lindelof quickly pivoted it into one the cast COULD answer and they were all very understanding and cool about it.

I call him Mr. C too. It's weird nobody else does.

The dude asking Matthew Lillard to say Bill's lines in Shaggy's voice was a punkass move, and you can tell even though he's laughing, Lillard's partly pissed. He accidentally blurts out he regrets being Shaggy, and wishes he never took the role. He's clearly joking, but I am aware this is not his usual line regarding Shaggy, and he only said it due to frustration.

Most of these panels on Blu-Ray sets are a bit of a chore to get through. This one was actually interesting and informative. 4 1/2 stars.

Crew List

An extra credit sequence listing the ENTIRE crew for the miniseries set to "Laura Palmer's Theme", which in my heart of hearts is what I believe ALL Twin Peaks end credits sequences ought to be set to. Only David Lynch would do this on behalf of the crew. What an amazing guy.

For the record, I would have added a cast and soundtrack list to this, simply for the sake of record and completion. But it's cool that everyone who works on this even in the slightest way gets recognition few people working on these types of projects ever get. 4 stars.

A Very Lovely Dream: One Week In Twin Peaks

Some really cool behind the scenes footage.

Shockingly, the best insights are from Harry Goaz. He apparently had grown a ponytail and had to cut it off when he played Andy.

Kimmy Robertson suggests David Lynch was a Michael Cera fanboy and believed him playing Wally was a casting coup.

Sabrina Sutherland speaks about the good vibes on-set while the camera randomly passes over a woman bleeding to death on the ground. Welcome to Twin Peaks.

Lynch didn't used to allowed this much stuff to be documented in his projects and I think it's really cool to see this. 4 stars.

Richard Beymer Films

I seem to recall Richard Beymer (Ben Horne) did some films for the Gold Box Edition DVD set too, so this feels like him carrying on a Twin Peaks tradition. Both of these films follow a candid David Lynch as he directs the Red Room sequences from The Return, some of his most challenging and confusing scenes for his actors who have no idea what they are actually supposed to be doing. Seeing him put them at ease and it all coming together is the special kind of magic you can only find in Twin Peaks. Both: 4 stars.

A Note From Richard Beymer

A still image message from Beymer about the two films. ***.

Behind The Red Curtain

Behind the scenes footage. It's easy to see how confusing it was to work in the Red Room sequence in the first episode, and how Sheryl Lee had really no idea what was happening. Similarly, I can't imagine Kyle MacLachlan had any clue was he was doing or reacting to in the scene where Mr. C meets the Woodsman and what is supposedly Philip Jeffries.

I'm reminded how new Robert Forster is to all this because he doesn't actually know Lucy's name. I feel a little indignant on Kimmy Robertson's behalf for that.

Fascinating stuff. 4 stars.

I Had Bad Milk In Dehradun

I knew Phoebe Augustine (Ronette Pulaski) came back for The Return, I was just never sure of what role she played. Turns out it was American Girl. Good to know.

David Lynch is a VERY interesting director and it's super fascinating to see his process. Beymer hit a home run here in what he was able to get access to. 4 stars.

Rancho Rosa Logos

A montage of all the different colored Logos that precede every episode of the relaunch. Handy. 4 stars.

Behind-The-Scenes Photo Gallery

Neat. 4 stars.

Impressions: A Journey Behind The Scenes Of Twin Peaks

LONNNGG 10 Part documentary. It is THICK and hard to get through in places. But this is the best candid Twin Peaks supplementary footage we've ever gotten. For the first time ever Lynch actually lets us into his process and inside his head which is by turns wild and infuriating. Not always easy to watch (and super long) but damn, it's kind of amazing anyways. Overall: 4 stars.

The Man With The Gray Elevated Hair

Weird documentary with a weird nonsensical Narrator with a thick accent. Totally on-brand for Twin Peaks.

It's amazing how much Lynch can get from his actors despite telling them so few details.

One detail he gives Sherilyn Fenn I find interesting is that on some level Audrey loves Charlie. It was an interesting question for her to ask. Fenn also notes that Audrey's demeanor is that of a woman / child and her wants and rants turn on a dime. I have to say the actress is still radiant as ever 25 years later, and still My Goddess, but the truth is I'm much less turned on by her than I used to be knowing she's a smoker. That's kind of gross. In fact Lynch chain-smoking through all these documentaries seems outright weird to me.

I love that before Grace Zabriskie has to do a big scene of going nuts Lynch tells her he loves her. Stuff like that is probably why the cast trusts him as much as they do.

I would not call the sex scene between Coop and Diane a love scene by any reasonable definition, but when Kyle MacLachlan and Laura Dern feel weird kissing, Lynch brings up that they did all this all the way back during Blue Velvet, and instead of making them cringe, it weirdly lightens the mood. I don't know why that should be so, but it is.

David Patrick Kelly has an amazingly soft, quiet, and lovely singing voice. The fact that the song delivery is imperfect is why it sounds so lovely in the first place. The flaws make it sound real and vulnerable in the way caterwauling from rock stars never does.

Very cool short film. 4 stars.

Tell It Martin

Lynch says that Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech is the best speech in history. He says there's a rhythm to it and it's like great music in that way. But he notes that the speech didn't start off THAT strong. There was a woman in the background telling him "Tell it, Martin!" and "Preach it!" as it went along, and that wound him up enough to be able to deliver the greatest speech of all time. Lynch muses he really wonders who that woman was and that he'd like to meet her.

And the fact that crap like that is the focus of Lynch's various bull sessions which is why Lynch is great. That's not exactly the go-to topic you'd picture for him, is it?

We only hear Lynch's side of his phone conversation with Jim Belushi, but he gives great notes. The stuff about the dream especially interested me.

He also gave great notes to Robert Knepper. In his mind the Mitchum Brothers are orphans who only had each other and it was them against the world. And Lynch describing their turnaround about Dougie is interesting to listen to because the scenes are being shot out of order and this stuff is the first Knepper is hearing about this.

Bad things? I found :Lynch's violent notes to the guy playing Ike the Spike to "Stab! Stab! Stab!" as beyond creepy, but well, that's David Lynch for you. He may be the soft-spoken Midwestern guy with the elevated hair, but he's still the dude who filmed nightmare-fuel like Eraserhead. 4 stars.

Two Blue Balls

Yay! Bonus on-set nudity with Madeline Zima! I love that she seems totally game and into it. Frankly, the scene is both sexy and horrifying in equal measure and the viewer is made to feel guilty for being turned on. And I can actually enjoy and appreciate the sexy part of the scene knowing it wasn't something Zima was reluctant to do or something she felt uncomfortable with. So I can actually enjoy an uncomfortable as hell scene I was never quite able to before.

I love the crazy accented Narrator asking why the man with the gray elevated hair keeps asking questions. It's not just a documentary. Being for a Lynch project, it's partly a PARODY of a documentary. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 5 stars.

The Number Of Completion

We get to see the Fireman's Lair (the White Lodge?) in full color, and it being Twin Peaks, it's about as red as you'd expect.

The stuff with the egg yolks and creamed corn on the hole in the floor of the Sheriff's station say Lynch is a very weird filmmaker.

Lynch giving direction to the Woodsman is pretty bizarre too. 4 stars.

Bad Binoculars

I think Lynch gets way too close to the actors. He grabs Sherilyn Fenn's head and whispers in her ear and give Kimmy Robertson a kiss on the mouth. But weirdly it doesn't appear the actresses mind it. Fenn herself leans in close and whispers in Lynch's ear too. If it were anyone else, we'd be seeing MeToo hashtags.

It's also weird that Lynch often refers to the actors by their character names.

I love Michael Horse promising when his people take back their land, there will be a part for everyone there. He really DOES appreciate Lynch and the amazing role Hawk was. 3 1/2 stars.

See You On The Other Side Dear Friend

When Lynch calls a wrap on the late Miguel Ferrer as Albert I have a lump in my throat. I was not aware Ferrer had scheduling conflicts and that Lynch moved Heaven and Earth to make sure he got Ferrer for Albert's scenes. He apologizes to the crew for not recasting, but knowing this was really Ferrer's last major role, it feels like a last hurrah too. 4 stars.

Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers

When Lynch is describing how the Woodsmen are going to bloodily revive Mr. C it sounds even more terrifying when he says it than it was on-screen in the series' scariest episode.

Lynch admires Tim Roth from Van Gogh. Roth says he was playing his father there. At the beginning of the doc, Lynch tells Roth over the phone that Hutch is a guy who loves taking orders and following rules. Which is a fascinating facet to give a hitman.

I don't approve of the practice of child acting, but I do like and appreciate the first thing Lynch tells the kid who finds his father's body is that it's not real. I wonder how many directors would think to do that. Lynch seems incredibly responsive and gregarious to his on-set actors here, even if later on in the doc he isn't. And I still love listening to him describing the Mitchum Brothers newfound unshakeable loyalty and devotion to Dougie Jones.

Lynch is stingy with interviews, and answering questions from fans explaining his work. Being able to see his entire behind-the-scenes process while he directs arguably the biggest project of his entire life is a rare gift and possibly says more about Lynch and his work than the man himself could ever say in response to a fan's question. I am shocked Lynch consented to this level of access and detail. It's really not anything we've ever gotten from him before.

I do wish he'd give up the cigarettes though. 4 stars.

A Bloody Finger In Your Mouth

You know what? I find Lynch very ill-behaved here. He's yelling and ranting crazily but what kills me is him stroking Laura Dern's arm and kissing her on the cheek far longer than a dude should. And yet she clearly is not uncomfortable and neither is Naomi Watts. How does Lynch get away with the same stuff that took down John Lasseter, except nobody actually minds it? It doesn't make sense to me.

The dough face and the bloody finger are another thing to show how Lynch will often degrade his actors. And again it kills me Dern is game. At least he allowed her to do the dough and bloody finger thing on him in revenge. Maybe crap like that is why he has a positive rep instead of that of a creep.

It's amazing how funny and lowbrow the comedy scenes of Dougie playing with Bill's dandruff (causing him to mistake that for compassion and burst into tears), and Candi hitting Rodney Mitchum in the face with a remote trying to kill a fly are. Take note, film and TV critics. Twin Peaks is NOT the highbrow art series you think it is. A LOT of the comedy is very funny and relatable in how broad and silly it is.

Jason S. the narrator is just too weird for me. He's usually off-putting, but I thought the things he said in this outing were SO weird they freaked me out a little. I love seeing Lynch's raw process, but this dude sucks.

Also do not let it be lost that during Lynch's raw process, he often behaves like a monster. And yet weirdly nobody minds. I understand that dynamic even less than I do the mysteries on the show. 3 stars.

The Polish Accountant

Lynch is such a diva here. It really makes me unhappy seeing him browbeating the little kids into screaming and crying. Hollywood is NOT a safe environment for children. 1 star.

A Pot Of Boiling Oil

It's always weird how Lynch addresses the actors by the character names.

His frustration at how little time he is being given per scene is palpable. But then he enters the new Great Northern set and he's like a kid in Wonderland. This is a MUCH nicer set than they had back in the day.

If Sherilyn Fenn ever looked at me with the same love and devotion she does David Lynch here, I would just about die of happiness.

Al Strobel's story of both how he lost the arm and the astral projection he believes he went through during the accident is riveting, disturbing, and creepy. The guy was a legend.

Very LONG documentary, and not all of it made me think better of Lynch. A truly rare gift for that reason. 4 stars.

Blu-Ray Menus

Twin Peaks always has the best home video menus. Overall: 4 stars.

Disc 1 Blu-Ray Menu: Red Curtains. All Red Curtains. 4 stars.
Disc 2 Bu-Ray Menu: The nightmare of the zigzag floor in the Red Room is you walk along it forever and it never ends. The Blu-Ray menu loop is properly nightmarish for that reason. 4 stars.
Disc 3 Blu-Ray Menu: Don't go chasing waterfalls. 4 stars.
Disc 4 Blu-Ray Menu: The evil in these woods. 4 stars.
Disc 5 Blu-Ray Menu: Full Moon is full. 4 stars.
Disc 6 Blu-Ray Menu: More trees, but we go through them rather than over them on this menu. 4 stars.
Disc 7 Blu-Ray Menu: That famous nighttime swinging traffic light. 4 stars.
Disc 8 Blu-Ray Menu: Outside the Double R Diner. 4 stars.

I was a little disappointed when I initially reviewed the book but I cannily acknowledged if I had known the timeframe it was covering, I would have loved it unreservedly. I was right. This book is amazing and makes the already amazing Twin Peaks experience even more amazing than it is.

One of the things that must be mentioned about both this book and The Final Dossier: They are the only two major Twin Peaks projects that are played completely straight. As in written by normal sane people like Garland Briggs and Tammy Preston. Preston in particular is an outsider to the weirdness, and retains a healthy skeptical eye, and the book, despite the fact that is has the most supernatural elements out of any Twin Peaks outing besides arguably "Gotta Light?", is the most rational and deserving of serious thought project in the franchise EVER.. Lawrence Jacoby declares Margaret Lanterman the most sane person he's ever met, and you are meant to see the statement as partly ironic, even though it's true. This book is the sanest, most rational thing Twin Peaks has ever done. And it's fucking bananas. But it's played completely straight, sans quirky characters or dreamlike imagery, and its totally different tone opens up the world. It can argued that The Secret Diary Of Laura Palmer and The FBI Tapes Of Agent Dale Cooper are also grounded, but there is a certain level of pure insanity on every page of Laura's diary's and Cooper's quirks and weirdness are undeniable too.

What if the shit on Twin Peaks actually happened? How would the real-world and normal folks in the real world process it all? How much of it WOULD they process? Those are the questions the book asks.

What's fascinating about a book that venerates secrets is that the reader knows far more than The Archivist AND Agent Preston. We understand the significant of the owls, the giants, the lines about the magician longing to see, Glastonbury Grove, reference to the Lodges, and the power of the color red. And of course, the Jade freaking Ring. What's great is that even if we know what all these things are referring to, the context in the articles compiled doesn't say how and why they are connected. Which is a perfect mystery.

Mark Frost knew the relaunch was going to end on a disappointing cliffhanger. Even if he wanted differently, there would be no way to talk David Lynch out of it. But Frost sort of preemptively softens the blow a bit by Dougie Milford suggesting to Briggs how powerful and important secrets and mysteries are, and the difference between the two (secrets are bad, mysteries are good). And the most insightful point made is once a secret or mystery is revealed or solved it stops being that, and turns into ordinary information. Do you actually want that for Twin Peaks deep down? I sure don't.

Still, I am a rare Twin Peaks fan who believes in the long run it was better than Lynch revealed who killed Laura Palmer. It killed the show no doubt and destroyed it's greatest appeal.

Counterpoint: The show was going to get canceled either way. If they didn't reveal it then, they NEVER would have. That was originally Lynch's plan, but based upon what an amazing portrayal of a young woman struggling with abuse and incest Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me turned out to be, the saga is stronger for it being solved.

And that's not even a question. I think Lynch was thinking back in the 1990's (not without reason, mind) that soap operas never get rerun, even Primetime soaps, and the early Twin Peaks is all stuff viewers would forget about. He never anticipated the creation of DVD's and streaming, which brought the show to whole new legions of fans who watch the thing over and over again. And knowing it's Leland is amazing, because while it was a shock at the time, when you rewatch the series, you realize there really was never any other good suspect. Every moment Leland Palmer had onscreen was a giant red flag to both his malice and insanity. And the subtext, and understanding that Lynch and Frost actually knew what they were fucking doing at the time (they were repeatedly accused by unintelligent TV critics at the time of making it up as they went along) is crystal clear. Especially when you look at the Windom Earle Black Lodge arc that concluded the series. Regardless of the fact that the series ended on a gruesome, shock cliffhanger and we learned nothing, the truth is, if you rewatch those final episodes, the mythology of the Lodges, Windom Earle, and Major Briggs holds entirely together. It's perfectly mythology and arc planning.

This wasn't a case like The X-Files where Chris Carter wrote himself into a hole he had to retcon every other week. The mythology of the Lodges and the Red Room is entirely consistent. I don't think Lynch envisioned the show being rewatched a billion times by its fans, much less generations of new viewers. But I think the fact that it has been is the thing that makes me lean on the side that the Leland reveal was good for the longterm health of the franchise. For the short-term, it killed the show. No doubt. As a story about a young woman navigating evil and trauma? The Leland reveal made the show fucking matter in a way it wouldn't have if it hadn't happened. Those smug critics would have been wrong that Lynch was making it up as he went along. But we wouldn't have had the solid PROOF they were full of shit without that reveal. It gives vindication for Lynch's entire career after "Fire Walk With Me", "Wild At Heart", and "Lost Highway" made him an easy target. This is his proof he was right all along.

The book is amazing for the amount of detail and research into real history Mark Frost did. It's hard to tell where history ends and the bullshit begins. It ALL feels believable. Which is a Twin Peaks first.

That being said, I really love that Frost did some inaccurate facts that don't jibe with everything else. Like Ed's backstory with Nadine is a little different here, as is the fact that several of the articles put into the Archive (including both fall-out from the bank explosion, Ben Horne and Catherine Martell's reactions to it, and Hank Jennings death in prison) all occurred after Major Briggs disappeared. Frost explained later in interviews that as a living archive and tapestry, things are going to be gotten wrong. And I like that idea and the unanswered questions.

Hawk's section of the Bookhouse Boys part is SO great. Michael Horse had nothing to do with this book, but I suspect if he read it, he'd pump his fist in the air in joy. Young Hawk is not stoic, or wise. He's profane, funny, and a bit of an asshole. I think my favorite part (which is something I know Horse would be crazy about) is the fact that there IS some bad blood between him and Frank Truman for coming up with the "Tommy Hawk" nickname he had in highschool. Hawk's perspective is it's a lame, unfunny, white person's joke and it's offensive. I fucking LOVE the idea that he's been pissed about it this entire time. What an amazing character and representation. His recollections of the war and the service are pretty hysterical too.

The Archivist informs us of terrible things about Josie Packard. Cooper (who probably wrote this section himself) claims Josie was a sociopath using Harry. I have no doubts that Packard is the criminal gangland mastermind Coop reveals her to be. I have no doubt she is conniving. But I don't buy the sociopath argument. I had seen her react to things that Cooper did not. She was genuinely afraid of both Thomas Eckhardt and Andrew Packard. That's not even a question. And whether she was using Harry or not (and I think she was) she was entirely regretful and embarrassed when he learned the truth right before she inexplicably died. That's how it played. No amount of dirt dug up about her after the fact can change that.

Honestly, that whole section of the book feels like a weak point. It seems to engage in negative Chinese and Asian stereotypes. Granted, Josie always did, but this leaned into that shit even heavier than usual (which is a statement). It's probably the one part of the book I don't love.

Similarly Hank Jennings' deathbed confession and apology means the Archivist is too quick to call HIM a sociopath too. Deathbed or not. sociopaths don't care who they hurt. Ultimately, Hank did. And again, it raises question how his death three years later was even recorded since Garland had disappeared by then. Whatever astral plain the Major was on to hide from Mr. C, is it possible he sometimes went back to Earth JUST to fill in the ledger? And if so, does Hank Jennings' fate seem like an important enough loose end for him to risk doing that? No clear answers there.

I love that Hawk describes Andy Brennan as a gossip. Though we don't see this facet to him on either the old show OR The Return, Hawk noting that it was a GREAT skill for a policeman to have is 100% right. People just like telling Andy things. That's the majority of what great police work actually is. This suggests that despite Andy being outwardly bumbling, he's a great cop for other reasons we just never saw.

I mentioned in the first review how cool it was that the Archive turned a nothing character from a low point in Twin Peaks' Second Season (Dougie Milford), and retconned him into the glue that held the mysteries together. A lesser writer than Mark Frost would be looking to ignore the embarrassingly written Milford feud from the show, and move on in a different direction. Frost decides it not only mattered after all, but was perhaps the single greatest mystery of the series. How great is Frost for that? Especially since his actual participation in Season 2 was negligible.

Lana Buford was also a majorly despised character, that Frost perhaps retcons as a version of Mata Mari here out to silence Milford once and for all. The line about her seducing a strangely coiffed real estate developer will be further hilariously explored in The Final Dossier.

It's also interesting who Frost chooses to portray as the good guys and bad guys in history. L Ron Hubbard, Jack Parsons, and Alistair Crowley get deserved shade for making the world a worse place, but it's ironic Richard Nixon's place in history is as a friend to people searching the for the truth. The scene with the redacted celebrity who turned out to be Jackie Gleason was suitably insane and scary. Are we sure that alien is not the same species as The Experiment?

Do you know what I loved about the Gleeson stuff? If you ask me Gleeson came across as profoundly ignorant. And it's not supposed to be a personal slam on real-life Jackie Gleeson. It's a slam on real-life celebrities who have these weird hobbies and obsessions they have no appreciation for the actual danger involved. How many celebrity true crime podcasts is this true of? Most of them, probably. Celebrities tend to meddle in shit they have no business meddling in, and it was funny to see Richard Nixon twist the knife there.

And yeah, I just typed that. It's hilarious that for all his ambiguity in that moment, Nixon is CLEARLY still one of the book's protagonists.

Loved reading the Double R menu. Shit like is is what supplementary material should be all about. And look at those prices! Ahh!

When Milford discusses "extra-dimensional entities" in addition to "extra-terrestrial entities" you really feel he's gotten somewhere. At several points in the book Tammy Preston is so flipped out by the implications of a skeptics' narrative actually laying down solid evidence for the insane (her reaction to the Ezekiel chapter quoted was nearly mine). At least I have the added context that this IS a work of fiction. In a Universe proving to me it wasn't? I'd be losing my shit entirely.

The L Ron Hubbard stuff is pretty pointed too, and Frost gets me to hate him for shit he didn't actually really do. You want to talk about sociopaths?

The Jade Ring! We still have no idea what it means, except that it's unlucky and seems to precede death. Unanswered question from the second to last episode: Did Tammy Preston, Gordon Cole, or Albert Rosenfeld recognize the Jade Ring for what it was when Cooper put it on Mr. C's body before he disappeared? Preston seems sharp enough to have noticed that, I bet. Nixon wore it. Hell, Trump wore it! Its evil gets around.

More questions raised about Chet Desmond, Sam Stanley, and Philip Jeffries. We got no help about Desmond or Stanley in either The Return or The Final Dossier. But a half dozen questions were answered about Philip Jeffries that just raised 500 more. At this point Preston has never heard of these agents and it's clear this is the first time she's seeing the names on the Blue Rose Task Force.

Neither Briggs nor Preston has a favorable impression of Dr. Jacoby. But his final case file on Laura Palmer is legit devastating. This is not the wacky creeper we've loathed since the Pilot. He (rightly, I think) blames himself entirely. His honesty and moment of clarity makes me forgive his previous excesses entirely. In fact, Preston also changes her mind in the next book and declares present day Jacoby socially conscious. And regardless of whether or not Lynch planned for the character to have weight and pathos (if you see Coop's loathsome reaction to his skeeviness in the Pilot, then probably not) he does now.

I didn't like the portions of the book with handwritten letters. Just because the handwriting was always so bad it was near impossible to read at points. I was relieved there was none of this in The Final Dossier.

I mean the Lewis and Clark thing SOUNDS super cool. Except I can only translate MOST of what's going on, and some of it escapes me.

For a show built on a mystery, it's wonderful this book decided to add UFO cover-ups, the Men In Black, Scientology, the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the JFK assassination, and just basically every crazy conspiracy theory you can think of to tie together everything into the extra dimensional weirdness from Twin Peaks.

The most interesting thing Milford tells Briggs at the conversation in the end, when they speculate whether the beings are good or evil, whether they intend to help or merely see them as bugs, was Milford's reply. It was cool because it's both distressing and makes a depressing kind of sense. Maybe they are BOTH, and good and evil are currently waging war with each other. Using US. Doesn't that idea just blow your freaking mind in two? It's fabulous. Not a Star Trek moral though. Not at all.

I love this book more and more every time I reread it and discover new and amazing things each time too. 5 stars.

I reread my initial review and realized I can just post it again with some details added (and some revisions) but no major changes. My opinion hasn't changed and the review was already pretty great. Why not?

A lot of Peaks Freaks were disappointed by the series finale. And a lot of Peaks Freaks were P.O.-ed that it looks like the Secret History Of Twin Peaks book they shelled out money for had nothing to do with anything. Pull the trigger. Buy this book. It fixes both of those complaints. Completely.

In typical Twin Peaks fashion, it doesn't answer any of the questions. But it points out the right ones to be asking, which is pretty much the best thing a mystery can do for a person. Especially if it seems impossible and unsolved. I have always maintained that there is a cohesive mythology behind Twin Peaks that holds together the way the mythology from The X-Files always falls apart. There ARE answers somewhere in Mark Frost's story Bible that we either haven't gotten to yet, or are something we are supposed to figure out ourselves. And what this book does is remind me that this latest ending feels different than the "Screw You!" cliffhanger of season two. It doesn't so much leave balls in the air, as make you question what is going on. And after reading this book and getting a few clues (if not answers) about what was going on, I love that Twin Peaks is the kind of show willing to challenge the viewer. And this book is amazing (and necessary in my mind) for helping the viewer understand what to make of what they just witnessed. There is an answer. It's not weirdness for the sake of weirdness. But Lynch trusts us each to come up with our own explanations, and Mark Frost points us in the right direction here. Spoilers ahead.

Leo Johnson. Yup. Died. But in perhaps the funniest and most infuriating turn of events, the spiders didn't kill him. Reading Albert Rosenfeld's autopsy report is worth every cent I spent on the book. And it's the first freaking chapter! But no, Leo was shot five times by an unknown assailant. Albert suspects it was Windom Earle, but since I know more about Earle's fate than he does, I am almost positive it was Mr. C instead, (but he had no way of knowing that). Best part of the autopsy was Albert poking fun at the story hole of the original finale's: Tarantula venom isn't actually toxic enough to kill a person, dipshit! How did Earle not know that? He could be very well speaking of David Lynch there. Funniest Albert fact is learning he possesses a vinyl jazz record collection numbering in the thousands.

Albert's withering sarcasm here is fun because the man is self-aware. He knows he's an asshole but he's gonna poke fun anyways. But Harry Truman punching him didn't tell the guy anything about himself he didn't already know. And him hugging Harry like a brother and declaring his love shows just because Albert is an asshole, doesn't mean he doesn't care. He's also aware of it, and half apologizes when need be.

The Jade Ring. Trump's worn it. The Dossier is loathe to name him by name, but Preston's disdain for the guy is evident (as is Mark Frost's). Apparent Lana Milford tried to make him her new sugar daddy until she probably read his accounting books and realized he wasn't actually rich, which is pretty much the most fabulous Trump slam I have ever heard. I have always said if I could do 2016 over again and either have Trump lose or Twin Peaks come back, I'd regretfully prefer Trump losing. 2016-17 has been a net loss that Twin Peaks was NOT able to make up for. That one joke? Helps. A lot.

Audrey Horne. No definitive answers here, but it hints that the idea that she is in a treatment facility is probably a guess in the correct direction. He loveless marriage to an accountant is also a definite thing. But I still don't get why she'd keep a picture of Cooper after all that. Maybe she IS crazy.

Annie Blackburn. This one amazes me. As horribly sad as her ending turned out, I love that I understand it better than the actual Archivist. Preston is an uncannily good detective, and has gotten almost as far as the audience has in understanding what might be going on, but the Annie thing is perfect. When she came back she was catatonic, and didn't speak (shades of Dougie Jones?). Until one day on the anniversary of her reappearance she says two words: "I'm fine." That. Is. AMAZEBALLS. I love that she crazily says it every year at the exact same time of the anniversary. I hated the original ending to Twin Peaks. Because of that, I no longer do.

Sarah Palmer. Our guess that she was the young girl in "Gotta Light?" that swallowed that bug as she slept near the atomic bomb site seems to be correct. Which shows the value in not answering the questions, but pointing them out instead. It also reveals that she was later involved in an altercation at the bar where the guy's neck got ripped out. We saw that, but the book confirms it actually happened, and she wasn't just crazy and imagining it.

Windom Earle. This reveals that Earle was actually the serial killer he and Cooper were tracking in the case that brought them together (NOT Bob). He was always nuts, and was the one who pushed Cooper and his wife together by manipulating them into it. The book also acknowledges the Twin Peaks books of the 90's by saying "Diane" probably redacted and changed a bit of the tapes' actual contents when it was written down for "personal reasons". It's a really cool idea to be able to acknowledge the earlier books while being able to change what is needed for this story.

Philip Jeffries. I said as I was watching "The Return", that Philip Jeffries' fate struck me as entirely different than Cooper's and Major Briggs'. Cooper and Briggs were victims of the Lodge, and the familiars, and the Tulpas, and the what-have-yous. Philip Jeffries on the other hand looked into the eyes of Hell and decided he'd be running the place inside a week. Preston theorizes about Joudy here. Joudy from mythology is the female equivalent of Baal. Who is known to us now as Beelzebub. Maybe it was not the face of God that turned Jeffries into a teapot.

That idea also gives added significance to the idea that Jeffries told Mr. C he had met Judy before.

Jeffries in Buenos Aires was also mentioned, so The Missing Pieces are canon too.

The Double. Mr. C was behind the glass box in New York City, and was the boss who had that kid watch it for The Entity or Cooper. It is speculated by Preston that because of his criminal empire, Mr. C was possibly a billionaire.

Dr. Jacoby. Interestingly, one of the fascinating things about Jacoby's later years that Preston notes is that after 9/11, the quack psychiatrist who had no idea his most famous client was raped and killed by her own father turned out to be right about everything. She kind of details the fact that Jacoby correctly predicted everything negative that would occur from that, and expresses admiration for the fact that all of the money from the shovels he has sold does NOT line his own pockets, but instead goes to progressive charities. You kind of thought watching the series that the golden shovels were a sell-out cash grab to the rubes. And the Dossier makes me realize this isn't the case.

The Bookhouse Boys. Do you know what else the Dossier made me realize? The Bookhouse Boys group is very similar to a militia. But Preston notes there is patriotic legitimacy behind it and the backing of the local law enforcement. It's not the same thing as the Libertarian gun fetishists at all, which surprised her. It surprised me too, because I never noticed the similarities until an outside person brought them up.

The Log Lady. Preston quotes an amazing passage from Margaret Coulson (Lanterman, AKA the Log Lady) that Hawk read at her funeral, and says it sort of made her believe in a higher power in the sense that she kind of got the feeling that someday, the Log Lady is someone she is going to meet somewhere. That's a really cool idea to me.

The Haywards. Not good closure for Gersten Hayward. I am pissed. Donna Hayward seems to be doing all right though.

Norma Jennings. If the book has a flaw it's that Preston spend a ridiculous amount of pages detailing the villainy of... Vivian Smythe. Yeah, I just don't give a shit either. Weird tangent there, especially for how long it went on for.

Cooper. Preston has unkind opinions about Cooper, including blaming him for Annie Blackburn's fate. And she's right to say it's his fault, because it is. She knows Cole likes Cooper and they were friends, and she even asks him if her context here is wrong. But her talking about Cooper's White Knight Syndrome being problematic and probably down to him having to take care of his ailing mother, is the right perspective. Cooper's obnoxious White Knight tendencies were worse in the final episode than ever before. I think Frost decided to point it out here because he knew how unsatisfied and mad the viewer would be about that. Part of The Final Dossier is done to unclench tensions the viewer felt after the cliffhanger. And I was super upset about how Cooper was portrayed in the last episode. Frost is letting us know we AREN'T crazy to be mad about that, and that Cooper DOES suck for doing that. I think that's a good thing.

And finally the book addresses the central puzzle left by the end of the finale. Was Laura Palmer actually killed? Preston (and I presume the rest of the FBI) remember the actual history, but the newspaper clippings and memories of the townsfolk have shifted to "she disappeared". Preston is alarmed that people think that Laura was NOT in that train car and simply vanished. And when she explains isn't so this to the townspeople, they get a dull look and then sort of agree with her version of events. In this new reality of memories, Leland committed suicide a couple of years later, and Sarah is still on the hook for killing a trucker.

Leland's suicide raises questions. Is Maddie still alive? Was the Theresa Banks case ever solved? It's interesting to think about the ways the world is better and worse for Laura not being killed.

The main question this raises for me is was Carrie Page Laura Palmer? And what year WAS it? Because the owner of the house still should have been Sarah Palmer. Did Judy take her? Did Judy hide Laura from not just Bob, but Cooper too? (Jeffries did not seem happy to see Coop in Philadelphia in 1990). If so, doesn't this suggest Joudy is a force for good instead of the female aspect of the devil?

My guess is that Cooper and Diane vanished into a new universe (and Diane did it once more as Linda for good measure) with only Cooper understanding that is what happened, and Diane pulling a Betty / Diane from Mulholland Dr., and not realizing she's a different person. The book says Cooper and Diane disappeared after the thing with BOB in the Sheriff's station, and haven't been heard from since. The book also speculates that time travel was involved with Philip Jeffries' appearance in Philadelphia in 1989 (it would explain his disorientation upon learning what year it was), which leads me to wonder if Cooper wondering the year is the correct question. Time travel is also a possible for Major Briggs not aging. It doesn't answer if Carrie Page is Laura Palmer, or even if she knows she's Laura Palmer, but time travel and parallel universe crossing seem to be the most likely explanation to me. And what I like about the book is that that was my first guess upon seeing it over the air. And the book sort of validated not the actual guess itself, but the fact that I made it, which shows that Frost and Lynch get what makes audiences tick better than Twin Peaks' weird reputation suggests. It's the fact that none of the major revelations in the book surprised me (outside of the "I'm fine" thing) which is why I loved the book. It made me feel more comfortable by validating my own interpretation. And I think the genius thing about the book is that even if your interpretation is completely different than mine, it's just as possible the book validates THAT interpretation too.

The Twin Peaks Universe we love did NOT just disappear. It's still there, and all of the characters like Norma and Ed still got their happy endings. It's just something about the universe has changed and we aren't quite aware of what it is.

I am always so frustrated with Lynch when he refuses to explain himself in interviews. His perspective that it's up for the viewer to decide has always been "Not good enough!" in my mind. Maybe I was wrong. Because if my guesses are as close as what the book made seem, maybe I'm better at figuring this stuff out than I ever realized. And maybe Lynch knew that about me the entire time, and was simply treating me like an adult. And this book makes me feel like all of my obsessions with Twin Peaks, whether my guesses were right, or far off the mark, were right to the person who mattered: Me. And Twin Peaks stops being just a personal passion project for David Lynch, but it's pretty much the most personal of my fandoms ever, because it's the only fandom that I have as much responsibility as the creator in explaining what I just saw. And it's an incredibly moving and meaningful thing to realize upon the end of this book and Preston's promise to keep fighting, even in a world that scares her and that she doesn't recognize. And suddenly, I am no longer detached to any part of the story. I am a part of it. And that kind of blows my mind.

This book is amazing. I highly recommend it. 5 stars.