Supergirl (1984)

I don't like bad movies.

Okay, I know. You aren't supposed to. But for MANY people, shutting off one's brain and laughing at a bad movie is a guilty pleasure. If a movie is dumb enough and badly written enough, many people find the film entertaining and worth MST3K-ing.

Not me. I can count on one hand the bad movies I've seen that I've liked. For instance, "UHF", and.... Nope, "UHF" is it. If you are a bad movie and aren't as enjoyable as "UHF", then I don't like you.

I remember seeing Plan 9 From Outer Space back in the day, and while I acknowledge it's an important piece of cinema and cultural document, I don't find it either funny or entertaining, no matter how much Siskel and Ebert insisted it was. Do I simply not have a sense of humor?

No, it's because I'm a writer, I know for a fact a decent story is NOT fucking hard to come by. And the fact that Hollywood has coasted on shit like this for years, and few people actually respond in ANGER (the appropriate response) to sitting through Supergirl 1984 means I don't see the giddy fun of Bad Movie Night. Surprise! Matt Zimmer resents being talked down to like a total fucking idiot. The idea that people actually find that kind of thing endearing is why I don't understand people and why I don't actually want to.

That SUUUUCKED...

Once I saw that Faye Dunaway was billed over Helen Slater in the opening credits, I knew I wasn't gonna like this movie. It was literally all downhill from there.

Out of all of the reasons for a world-ending apocalypse I've seen on film, this is easily the stupidest.

The space visual effects at the beginning are trippy. No lie.

Who is this Selina chick and why would I remotely believe she's a worthy supervillain for Supergirl?

Also why does Supergirl show up on Earth suddenly wearing her costume? That makes no fucking sense!

Jerry Goldsmith's Supergirl Theme is a weak soundalike to John Williams' Superman Theme.

Oh, God that scene with the leering rednecks was SUPER gross! God, I fucking HATED the 1980's! Shit!

Also, how does she even know who Superman is or that she's his cousin? This movie is so dumb.

Also how does she know his name is Clark Kent? Or for that matter, how to use a typewriter?

I like the scene of Supergirl and the bunny. Cute.

You know what? The fact that she can magically change her appearance into a secret identity makes no goddam sense.

Also, ooh, different hair color! That'll fool people!

I don't know what's weirder. That the principle can walk into a girl's dorm while they are all in their underwear and somehow NOT be chastised for it. Or the idea that the girls of this school hang around the dorm in their underwear to begin with. This movie is weird.

I take note that they weren't allowed to use Christopher Reeve's likeness on the Superman poster. I take REAL note of that.

Oh, God, Lucy's excuse for Kara knowing the answer in class was SO fucking dumb. This whole movie is SO fucking dumb.

She tells "Linda" not to show her intelligence off because people won't like her. Remember me mentioning the 1980's were fucking terrible? That! That!

Aaaand the R-word. If by the time I finish writing this review this film gets a single star it will be a minor miracle. It sucks.

Ick. high school shower scene. If you don't hate the 1980's, you weren't there.

The mean girl bullies are a couple of twits, even for this era.

When Selina is chasing Ethan the gardener vicariously through a psychic-powered bulldozer (don't ask) I'm like "What the fuck IS this movie? What the hell is happening? Is this real? Did an actual studio send this movie out with THAT scene in it out to theaters? This isn't an Ed Wood outtake (who famously NEVER did outtakes)? For real?"

How do you even make fun of that? The stupidest thing about it is it should NOT be happening in a movie with this big of a budget. The fact that it did is outright shameful. The studio should be ashamed.

What the FUCK is happening?!?! What is this?!

I have mixed feelings about Marc McClure appearing as Jimmy Olsen. The film feels like a lesser unofficial knock-off of the Superman franchise in every other respect. McClure's appearance is the only real thing that ties it to the rest of the movie canon. Which is good for the movie. The problem is the movie is so bad it being tied to the Superman films in such a way hurts THEM. And believe me, the Superman films were already plenty bad. This just makes things even worse.

The more I kept watching the hot mess Selina, the angrier I got Faye Dunaway was billed before Helen Slater. And I was already plenty mad!

"Venturing where fools rush in and Angels fear to dread"? How dumb are the writers of this movie? What. Is. HAPPENING?!?!?

Just for the record, I checked. The mistaken line from Bianca's actress is SO egregious, the close captioning "fixed" it, pretending she said "tread", and as if the audience hasn't been deaf for 40 years. Nice try, but that damage control is a few decades too late.

I'll tell you something interesting (and not ALL bad). Although the gardener Ethan is essentially under a rape spell, the way he treats Kara and the way she treats him is utterly sweet. It actually makes the love spell even more distasteful than it already is for that reason.

Seriously, it's alarming to me how sweet this romance actually is. I think it's the one thing in this abominably shitty movie that I actually like.

Which is why it's totally on brand the shitty movie wrecks it in the climax. If there is something nice in a shitty movie, the shitty movie makes sure it doesn't stay that way.

Ugh. That slime / mud Kara has to crawl through? So degrading for her actress. It reminds of Levar Burton's reaction to Jonathan Frakes having to do a similar gross and humiliating stunt on the terrible first season episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation "Skin Of Evil". He looked at him and said, "They'd never get ME to do that, Frakes." I wish Helen Slater had a Levar Burton in this moment.

Peter Griffin reminded me of a fun fact about Peter O'Toole. Both his first and last name are slang words for "penis". Zaltar is not a completely shitty character. O'Toole is kind of charming in the role. "Come with me!" "I AM with you!" I like that.

His death immediately following that is both ineffective and lame. Because shitty movies do not allow us nice things.

I haven't seen a TON of Faye Dunaway movies. Bonnie And Clyde was decades ago. I've never seen Chinatown. Has anybody mentioned before that she is a completely shitty actress? Because I cannot fathom how somebody this legit bad at acting actually had a career. I mentioned I'm pissed she was billed first? That! That!

The visual effects in the climax were legit terrible. Trippy spaceship rides? Good. Fighting fake looking puppet demons while the screen goes wonky? Bad.

It has the same backwards credits the Superman movies did, which isn't bad.

Honestly, I have not disliked a movie this much in awhile. I seem to have said that a lot recently, but with bad movies, there doesn't appear to be a bottom. That was legit shitty, and I'm legit mad I sat through it. Like this review? Not worth it to me. 0.