Snow White (2025)

I absolutely loathed the film. At several points I was cringing so badly I seriously considered just stopping, it was so painful to me. But I refuse to review a movie I have not seen the entire way through, and I thought I would probably come up with an interesting review. Ultimately, by the time the end credits rolled I said to myself, "Matt, if this isn't the great motherfucking review you've ever written, you just wasted two hours of your life you will never get back."

Don't count on this being the greatest review ever. Another reason I'm pissed.

There are SO many things to discuss. How much of the controversy do I need to address? I'll need to address it some. But the truth is I was very much hoping this would be a decent movie. I doubted I would ever love it, but the people talking shit about it were toxic Dudebros and YouTube Neckbeards. I enjoyed giving an entirely positive review to the wonderful remake of The Little Mermaid, mostly to prove how dumb those people are. I very much wanted the same thing here. But even if those idiots are wrong about WHY the movie sucks, it does actually suck.

Which in my mind is a conundrum. Because on some level it being terrible is its one redeeming quality. After seeing the choices it made, if this had actually been a good movie, I might have hated it even more than I do now. And that's a weird thing to say. But I felt extremely uncomfortable straight from the opening number. An original piece of music constructed as a Disney showstopper? And I said to myself "Are they insane? Are they actually trying to...? NOOOO...."

YESSSS. I love that Rachel Zegler talked shit about the original film. Let me blunt. Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs is a shitty movie. Maybe it wasn't when it was released, but it totally is now. The character designs are utterly generic, The songs are terrible, and so bad it's amazing that Disney cartoons had a reputation for being musical, when pretty much every Disney Soundtrack until Mary Poppins and The Jungle Book sucked balls. Worse, the movie is short, and yet somehow managed to be boring as fuck. I can acknowledge the importance to cinema history it holds. What it achieved at the time. But neither of those things remotely makes it a good movie, and I'm not going to pretend it does. I'd be bullshitting you because I love Disney so much. But the reasons I love Disney? NEVER had ANYTHING to do with Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. To me that cartoon was bland and boring as hell, and I've thought that since I was a little kid. It's not the Edgelord contrarian asshole part of me that never liked the film. It was the fidgety autistic kid who grew up in a decade filled with terrible movies (the 1980's) and STILL found the original film suss. I'm not trying to be too hip for the room in saying the old film is boring. It literally bored me as a kid.

And I dug Zegler dunking on it and making people pissed because she's biracial when doing it. As far as the other controversies go, I agreed with Peter Dinklage's complaints about the Dwarves, and Gal Gadot talking shit about Palestine is truly aggravating, but I liked the idea that Zegler thought this was a better film than the original.

Is it? Maybe? I don't like either film but I dislike both for entirely different reasons, so it's hard to definitively tell. What I can say is I was wrong to admire Zegler for thinking this. If it was marketing bullshit, I'd be like, "Go girl! Pop some neck veins on them Neckbeards!" I'm here for it.

However the original song at the beginning made me realize in pure horror, she's not b.s.ing toxic fanboys to piss them off. I'd be all in on that mission. But the more complex relationship with the former Prince, and the new showstoppers, including making the dreaded earnworms "Heigh Ho!" and "Whistle While You Work" fun and memorable, I was like, "Holy shit. Marc Webb is a broken enough human being to actually attempt to MAKE this better than the original film!" I am very grateful he either didn't succeed, or didn't succeed at a level worth bragging about. No matter WHAT I think, Snow White And The Seven Dwarves is a MAJOR part of Disney history and the canon. To make a CLEARLY better interpretation is damaging to the entire fucking brand.

The rule of the Disney live-action remakes, including the ones I like, is, "Hey, kids! Here is something almost EXACTLY like the original movie you loved, except SLIGHTLY worse in every single respect!" While the remakes were doing that, I was fine with them. Didn't love most of them, but they didn't actually hurt anything. If this movie weren't filled with shitty writing, acting, and visual effects Disney could have SERIOUSLY fucked themselves and their entire damn legacy over.

Let's talk about what didn't work. The visual effects of the Dwarves are atrocious. They are next-level Uncanny Valley creepy and terrible. Peter Dinklage was right that the messaging of the Dwarves sucks. Refusing to hire actual little people to play those parts is equally problematic for different reasons. They didn't SOLVE a problem, they just made it an entirely different one. And it LOOKS absolutely horrid.

Similarly, while on some level I enjoy the idea that Neckbeards are furious at the empowering and feminist themes, the reality is, Snow White is not a REMOTELY feminist or empowering story. It's hundreds of years old and putting those themes in it doesn't work because the sexism and patriarchy and pretty much the entire fucking point. Which by the way is the MAJOR reason they shouldn't have gone back to this specific well. You make it so the entire concept doesn't make you cringe, it's no longer Snow White.

Did I say I didn't cringe? My mistake. I don't how who decides who gets to to receive a Razzie at any given year, but if Gal Gadot doesn't win for Worst Actress this year, the Razzie is an even more useless award than a Primetime Emmy is. Of which Murphy Brown and David E Kelley have won several. So, yeah, I'm not fucking around here.

Was her performance as Wonder Woman always this bad and I simply didn't notice because she looked badass in the suit with the drum theme playing in the background? My friend INSISTS her performance in Wonder Woman 1984 (which I infamously gave a shockingly, unambiguously positive review for) was terrible. Whether I like that movie or not (and I do), after seeing this I believe her. It probably was, and I just didn't notice. I mention all the time I'm not actually picky. But me putting up with Gal Gadot's entire acting career is the proof.

I was groaning in pain at the dialogue. I think if I was a worse or less-aware critic I would say it's the dialogue of the worst kinds of Disney theatrical movies. No. That would be an insult to Disney theatrical films. No, this script is fucking DISNEY CHANNEL shit. Not lie. Not just Decendants / High School Musical bad. This is as bad as the trashy Have A Laugh kidcoms. The fact that I'm STILL not ENTIRELY sure this is worse than the cartoon is a damning indictment of the cartoon. The script sucked ass.

And I'll tell you the Matt Zimmeriest complaint I have, and you'll roll your eyes because nobody would bother complaining about it but me. But the fact that I will is both on-brand and totally obnoxious.

I'm pissed that the movie genuinely tries to tug at the tragic heartstrings for Snow White's "death".

Yes, I know how movies work. I know how KIDS MOVIES work. I also know that Snow White's death, in EVERY MEDIUM, is literally the most famously fictional cop-out death in history. It might have been the very first, and the one all other shitty manipulative drivel needs to be judged by.

It's phony. It's insincere. It's pure narrative bullshit on every level.

"What, Matt? Are you suggesting they play it for laughs? Or actually change the most famous part of the story?" I'm suggesting shit like this is WHY Snow White is dated to begin with, and never should have been remade in 2025! The Neckbeards are right about this for the wrong reasons. But they are frustratingly right.

I shaved my entire face this morning like an entirely dapper and well-groomed gentleman. It doesn't stop those dudes with the patchy, ugly facial hair from being INCIDENTALLY right about how this movie never should have been made to begin with. I don't need to look like Steve Bannon after a week-long bender to realize this. It's that self-evident. 0 stars.