Star Trek: Section 31

That will probably be VERY polarizing. I did not respond entirely well to it myself, but I'm wondering if other people will find it polarizing for the same reasons I do. I think my nerdy complaints will be singular. Most Trekkies will hate it because Section 31 sucks. Completely outside of Gene Roddenberry. And using The Terran Empire as the framing story is about as anti-Star Trek as you can get. My complaint is a little nerdier. And I wonder if my complaint is TOO nerdy. If there is something wrong with me for being bothered by a perfectly serviceable movie just because it was different than my expectations. As a rule, that's not a bad thing, and any critic who pretends it is is bad at their job, and you shouldn't trust their opinions.

So I am seriously second-guessing making the complaints I do. But my major malfunction is that I am a Deep Space Nine purist. I love every inch of that show, yes, Section 31 included. And I feel like this movie doesn't understand Section 31. At ALL. Which is odd because Discovery had it right with Kovich / Daniels, who was a perfect representation of what that should be. But I feel like maybe the movie thought the premise was too dark and / or boring so they needed to spice it up a little. I get it. I do. But it makes Section 31 seem less than it is. Less scary, less powerful, less NECESSARY.

The movie has the (frankly, childish) idea that Section 31 is a group of rogue misfits who can't quite follow the rules. They can give us a wacky new cast of characters by doing that. But that isn't what Section 31 is supposed to be. Section 31 isn't a lawless element of the Federation. They are much scarier than that. They are the guys who write and CONTROL the laws, and nobody even knows about it.

For a black ops team, the crew here is an absolute joke. Every last one of them sticks out with their goofy premises and designs. Section 31 was sort of Star Trek's response to Men In Black, only without the comedic angle. The best agents for the organization are boring guys in suits nobody looks twice at, and can blend in with anything. If the Chameleon Guy weren't such a big personality, maybe him, but Section 31 agents should be like Sloan and Kovich. No nonsense, tough, even humorless. Not a group of wacky half-pirates. They don't BEND rules. They MAKE them.

Am I wrong? Am I too harsh? Am I overthinking this? Am I slamming a relatively enjoyable-seeming film because it decided to broaden a VERY fixed premise so that people could enjoy it? Is that an actual sin? And if it isn't (and it's probably not) what I am complaining for?

I guess the reason the wacky crew doesn't work for me is that because of their various introductions and big personalities, this doesn't feel like a movie. It feels VERY much like a TV Pilot. That's what it was originally supposed to be, but this is billed as the first Star Trek FILM for streaming, and it screams "Television!" in everything it sets up and does, including making San the guy in the mask. I don't mind predictable television. That's the hazard of the medium. Predictable movies? It's not simply that I have higher standards for them (because honestly, I don't). It's just if you see a MOVIE'S twist coming, there is no better episode coming in the next week to redeem the franchise.

Or is there? This definitely screams "Pilot" to me, and I would not be shocked if a TV series is coming after all. Or at the very least a sequel. And I don't like movies that are set-up for other shit. It's why the the Marvel Cinematic Universe is SO fucking boring to me right now.

The only person of the entire crew who MIGHT be suited for this is Rachel Garrett. And yet, every time we see her undercover she's wearing a hugely flamboyant colored wig, drawing complete attention to herself. Did I mention this is supposed to be Starfleet's Black Ops?

Speaking of which how did Tiny Robot Vulcan Guy even get away with being a mole? Section 31's entire business is knowing things. How was this jag not properly vetted?

I think the movie expected me to be pleased Control is Jamie Lee Curtis. And I'm like "Why would I be?" Star Trek is famous for stunt casting, but the role is usually a gift for the guest star who is a huge fan. This is acting like this is a huge gift to the audience instead, which confuses the hell out of me. The Star Trek guest role most like this before this, as in the celebrity who shows up at the end for the audience's sake, rather than the story's and / or celebrity's sake, was Kelsey Grammer showing up at the end of that Next Gen time loop episode. Was never crazy about Grammer's role in that otherwise solid ep, but hey, here comes next week! And if this IS a movie, no. And if it's not, and it's actually either a Pilot or a tentpole launch, bait and switch. Bait and switch, man.

Let's talk about stuff that did and didn't work. I didn't catch the name of the second lead, but describing himself as someone who grew up in the 20th Century during the Eugenics War is just ASKING for trouble. Especially after ALL the (much appreciated) effort Strange New Worlds did in showing why it DIDN'T happen in 1996, and has been put off longer and longer (A Temporal Cold War Did It). Okay, so maybe that explanation isn't ACTUALLY all that much effort. But it was SOMETHING, you know? This just muddies the waters.

Mel being a Deltan made me very glad she was the first character killed off. Star Trek: The Motion Picture barely scratched the surface of how gross the Deltans actually are. And I am very glad it didn't, and also that the Star Trek II series never got off the ground. If you read a character description of this alien race, you'll puke. "They initiate sexual intercourse in the same way other species wave hello". In the 1970's it's a sci-fi high concept. In 2025 it's creeper pedo stuff. Entirely. They shouldn't have brought back the race at all, but Star Trek: Picard was dumb enough to use them, I think, and I guess that opened the door. Shit.

I love that the host at the club is the same species as Bele and Lokai (although I'm not sure their species was identified by name on The Original Series). I forget which one of the two races / sides this guy would have been on (which by the way was the beauty of that episode's premise), but unlike Bele and Lokai, he is both pleasant and seems to have a good sense of humor. Probably very glad to get off that planet of racist pricks, and I'm glad there was at least ONE dude on that now-dead world who decided against making that His Last Battlefield.

The laughing Vulcan robot dude was the best character, entirely conspicuous, therefore wrong for the premise. And yet, the producers obviously saw how great the dude was in the role and brought him back in essentially the same role but a different accent. I don't blame them, but again, this is not a character Tommy Lee Jones would ever play. Which means it's wrong for Section 31.

And don't throw Two-Face at me. We both know that was a career low-point for Jones.

I think I've bitched just about enough. What complaint I expect to hear is that how the Terrans choose their Emperors is a total rip-off of The Hunger Games. Entirely. If Suzanne Collins never came along, Phillipa Georgiou would have an entirely different backstory. And while that complaint is true, let me put a bit of a positive spin on that: If The Orville is legally able to exist while Star Trek does, so is this. You can't actually trademark an entire premise. Which is good because no new movies and TV shows would EVER get made if that was the case. So for any Katniss fans pissed they are ripping off Snow's entire bit, relax. I'll allow it.

I think it was a somewhat well-made movie that I had problems with because of my own fandom hang-ups. I'll give it a passing grade for that reason, while letting you know I still don't entirely approve. Sloan would be rolling over in the grave to see this goofball crew. 3 1/2 stars.