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03/11/2025 1:10 am
Star Wars Visions "The Duel: Payback"
Spoiler
I learned something bad about this show ahead of this season. None of this is canon. None of this matters. So as beautiful as the black and white animation is, it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter.
Holy fuck! Snow Ewoks!
Oh, wait. Snow Ewoks don’t matter. 3 stars.
Star Wars Visions "The Song Of Four Wings"
Spoiler
The animation is cute. But cute animation doesn’t matter.
I liked the origami cranes. But origami cranes don’t matter.
The girl is a Mecha! Cool! But cool Mecha girls don’t matter.
Are you sensing a theme in these reviews? It doesn’t matter because themes don’t matter. 3 stars.
Star Wars Visions "The Ninth Jedi: Child Of Hope"
Spoiler
The short is filled with hoary clichés. But hoary clichés don’t matter.
The animation is dull and unimaginative and has those annoying flapping mouths.
Dull animation doesn’t matter. Flapping mouths don’t matter.
The ending is unsatisfying, but cliffhangers don’t matter.
Am I about to give this short the first legit negative review of the season?
…
…
It doesn’t matter. 1 1/2 stars.
Star Wars Visions "The Bounty Hunters"
Cool asplosions at the beginning. Asplosions don’t matter.
The health monitors being slave collars is predictable bullshit. The heroine knowing that the whole time is interesting. Neither thing matters.
Pop music sucks but it doesn’t matter.
The animators are so lazy that they cover the characters’ mouths whenever possible so they don’t have to lip-synch. Embarrassing, 1980’s cartoon move. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter.
Do you know what though? It really should. **1/2.
Star Wars Visions "Yuko's Treasure"
Spoiler
The cartoon is cute and kid friendly. But it’s not canon so it doesn’t matter.
Darth Billy doesn’t matter.
The kids look like Mega Man characters. Mega Man matters but this doesn’t.
The Bantha Girl reminds me of Harley Quinn. Why doesn’t that matter?! That should matter! 3 1/2 stars.
Star Wars Visions "The Lost Ones"
This one has bright colors. Color doesn’t matter. Stephen Colbert taught me this. I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them.
This one feels overly and cartoonishly tragic and preachy. But since this never happened and isn’t real, I don’t care. I am only moved by melodrama that matters.
Final Grade: It doesn’t matter.
Star Wars Visions "The Smuggler"
Spoiler
Recaps don’t matter.
Me: “When do things start to matter?”
Every episode of this show: “Never. Things never matter.”
This show’s answer is identical to my entire adulthood when I posed it this exact question.
The animation is great, the English voice cast is strong, and the script actually doesn’t totally suck butt. Does that matter? What do you think?
Running out of matter jokes, but only two episodes left. I don’t think that matters. 4 stars.
Star Wars Visions "The Bird Of Paradise"
Spoiler
The animation is stunning. A sumptuous visual feast. But Visions aren’t real and don’t matter. The series’ title and premise don’t matter.
George Takei is a national treasure and deserves to be in a Star Wars project that matters.
Every rug-pull and back-pedal the episode did, down to the entire “It was all a dream” ending makes my reviews for this season relevant.
Do they matter? Here’s the deal: None of these reviews are canon with my other reviews and never happened. They are just a fun What If scenarios for the fans. They aren’t real and don’t actually matter.
Did I just blow your freaking mind? It doesn’t actually matter. 3 stars.
Star Wars Visions "BLACK"
Spoiler
The animation is bonkers, bizarre and as off-putting as the freaky deakiest of Plymptoons. I also see heavy influences from TRON by the end. The funky jazz score sells how insane things are. It’s the only one of these I truly like. But it’s the last fucking episode! Does that even fucking matter? What do you think?
Quentin Tarantino once famously referred to this era of Star Wars as “That Disney shit.” Quentin Tarantino’s dumbass opinions don’t matter.
I just wasted two and a half hours on the other eight super-boring and mostly stupidly-written episodes and now my reviews are out and that wasted time doesn’t even matter. Are you underwhelmed with these reviews? That doesn’t even matter. I’ll make more and the next ones will be canon and matter. But wasn’t it fun JUST once to take a fun What If scenario detour and see what--?
No? I guess not. But it’s done. It doesn’t matter. Clunky final jokes don’t matter either. 5 stars.
ThunderCats Ultimates! Wish List: Turmagar, Tuska Warrior, Topspinner, Ram-Bam, Red-Eye, Tug-Mug, Driller, Ro-Bear Belle, Ro-Bear Bert, Ro-Bear Bob, Mumm-Rana, Dr. Dometone, Stinger, Captain Bragg & Crowman, Astral Moat Monster, Spidera, Snowmeow, Wolfrat, Herkie, Samson.
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