Spidey And His Amazing Friends

So George Stacey not only isn't the commissioner, he's not even a cop. And he's bald with a gross beard. Why is it the last two things that are really ruffling my feathers? 2 stars.

Doc Ock & The Rockobots:

The show really could have done an amusing bit with Doc Ock performing her own version of the theme song but they took shorts cuts because the writers were too lazy to come up with funny, alternate lyrics.

Speaking of lazy, am I the only one who think Doc Ock and Electro's characters designs are confusingly similar? I sometimes actually mistake who Team Spidey is dealing with if they are in the same episode.

Bah. 1 1/2 stars.

Episode Overall: 1 1/2 stars.

So apparently nobody can tell the Pirate with the green skin is Green Goblin. The people in this Universe are apparently dumb enough to fall for that. What is an open question is if the producers are cynical (and wrong) enough to believe kids in the audience will fall for it. Because it IS kinda played as a reveal and surprise.

And that level of stupidity reminds me this show and shows like it don't have to be as bad as stupid as they are. They simply choose to be. 0.

Bad Bot:

Case in point: The episode feels the weak need to overexplain that Trace-E and Fake Trace-E are two separate beings who are on different sides. It says something bad about your animated show, when things are so overexplained and explicit in dialogue, it sound even overly obvious than if it were a radio play. And this stuff is about an essentially mute character as well, so making the dialogue do ALL the heavy lifting there is especially egregious.

Again, I believe the only reason this show is this bad is because Marvel and Disney don't believe a toddler show designed to sell toys actually needs to be any good. That's the only reason it sucks. I am positive if the writers of this show were asked to write a good show, they could do it. But the mandate is that Disney prefers a stupid show that talks down to kids. It sells more toys. Am I cynical enough or what?

Cartoons back in the 1980's were horrendous. But mostly due to incompetence on the part of writers, animators, and producers. As far as bad cartoons like this in 2023 go? I actually believe they are this bad on purpose. Doesn't that idea just piss you off? It pisses me off. 0.

Episode Overall: 0.

Boring and underwhelming . **.

Water Woes:

Not pointed out is the fact that because Doc Ock keeps all of the stolen water in one vat, every bit of it is tainted. There is chlorine in pool water and if it's mixed with the rest of the water supply it's become undrinkable. I sincerely believe the writers were simply too stupid to see this and overlooked it in their dumbness. Usually I give the writers the benefit of the doubt regarding stupidity and say they are merely dumbing things down to pander to their audience. This feels like a genuine oversight to me that probably wouldn't have happened if they were smarter or better at their jobs. They wouldn't have involved a pool at all otherwise. *1 removed link

Episode Overall: *1 removed link

This show is stupid. 1 star.

Mystery On Goblin Island

This show is UNBEARABLY stupid.

For the record, what makes the professor believe the museum has a legal claim to the treasure? Sounds like cultural misappropriation to me. Carl Barks eventually got in trouble for this in hindsight for Uncle Scrooge's treasure hunts. A cartoon being produced in 2023 has absolutely no "sign of the times" plausible deniability there.

What an utterly crappy show. 0 stars.

Episode Overall: 1/2 star.

I have decided from this point forward to give ANY episode of this show that features Black Cat zero stars on general principle. Worst character ever.

If you happen to think this is unfair of me, I should like to point out that this episode did a bit where the villains sneak into the museum filled with priceless artifacts via an unlocked window. A window that is STILL unlocked, despite the valuable exhibits and Black Cat having used it to enter the museum and steal the statue once already. This episode EARNED the lowest grade possible with that nonsense.

The show doesn't need to be this stupid and lazy to function. It simply choose to be. 0.

A Day With Black Panther:

That was one boring-ass day. *.

Episode Overall: 0.

No, lie. I actually LIKE that the show had Doc Ock apologize to Cal at the end and call him a good robot. That's good to show little kids even bad people can do good things. Even if it's only for people they care about. And that DOES matter to me. 3 1/2 stars.

Spidey Cat

They are selling unlicensed Spidey masks in pet stores for cats? Peter Parker's lawyers suck.

I love Bootsie being given Spider-Powers. I also dug the gag of Gobby asking what he was laughing about. Almost nothing on the show makes me chuckle. That got a smile out of me at least.

My problem is Peter and Mile chasing Bootsie down with web shooters. She's THEIR freaking cat! They STILL don't know how to lure her? They never heard of "Here, kitty-kitty?" They think chasing and spooking a feline when they don't have the powers to back it up is the way to go here? Really?

I kind of liked some of the cartoon, but stuff like that is why I dislike the show in general. 3 stars.

Episode Overall: 3 1/2 stars.

Gwen says one of those giant heavy barrels will makes three servings of breakfast pancakes. Sorry, that math don't add up. If it took THAT much sap to make THAT little syrup, each Mrs. Butterworth's would cost around $200. Talk about a waste of resources. 1 star.

Catch As Ant Can:

"A missing ant? Sounds like a BIG problem." Um, NO Hank, the opposite. Not just a literal small problem, but it should be considered a trivial one as well.

I like that the cartoon had a bit of wish fulfillment at the end for the toddlers in the audience. What kid hasn't envisioned using superpowers to make cleaning up the room go quickly and easily? The chores are even FUN now. I like that this show had that moment. It's important to remember the actual selling points of superpowers to very small children. Hint: It's never about saving the world.

A little awful, but I dug the fun cleaning sequence at the end. 3 stars.

Episode Overall: 2 stars.

It's amazing to me a cartoon with that many toyetic heroes, villains, and vehicles can be that boring, but no show fails like this show.

The scene of Rhino's truck getting stuck in the alley is pretty much a master class of how NOT to write that scene. I am appalled by the conditions for writers in the animation industry in particular. And it angers me terribly scripts like this are accepted while genuinely good writers are struggling. It's not right. *.

The Lost Web Shooter

Also badly written. Worse, the little kid guest characters both look creepy and Uncanny Valley. Another terrible outing for a terrible show. *.

Episode Overall: *.

Catnap Caper:

Every Black Cat episode on this show gets an automatic zero from me at this point. As of the time I decided the rule I have never ONCE felt the need to break it for a single episode, much less revise it.

This episode was a bit of a turning point for me. I can talk about how awful and badly written it is that Spidey promises the kids to get their stuffed animals back despite having no idea what actually happened to them, or Black Cat being forgiven again for the billionth bogus apology she's given that she doesn't mean, but the automatic zero means I don't need to delve TOO deeply into this crap. 0.

Bunny Bonanza:

I have come to a shocking realization with this cartoon. Me hating the Black Cat episode was never in question. But I realized watching this that this was equally bad for entirely different reasons. It tells me that despite the fact that I talk nothing but crap about this show, that I have still been far too lenient with it. The series is even worse than I previously imagined and I'm not sitting here and taking that fact in good humor anymore. Spidey And His Amazing Friends is NOT as terrible a show as Avengers: Black Panther's Quest. But that is the only Marvel cartoon worse than it is. And I am aware of Marvel Animation's entire underwhelming history. I stand by that statement.

As such I an going back to the grading rules I established for Transformers Rescue Bots Academy. I usually grade shows on a curve and give the best episodes of a given franchise five stars, even if an episode of that identical quality of a better show would not earn it. For example a five star episode of Power Rangers would be worth two and a half stars if Andor had a script with a similar level of quality. But for Rescue Bots Academy I decided the curve is no longer valid for a show with no redeeming qualities. Therefore every single episode was graded a zero, unless it didn't actually deserve that grade. Few episodes of that show made it out of the zero zone. And I'm applying the same standard to this show from here on out. Not just every Black Cat episode, every episode PERIOD gets an automatic zero stars unless it deserves better. As far as the curve goes, for this show, the zero rating shall be the baseline from here on out. And for the second worst cartoon in Marvel history, that's probably a HELL of a lot more generous than it deserves. 0.

Episode Overall. 0. For real.

This is stupid.

Also this next bit might be an unpopular opinion, but I find Reptil to be a VERY creepy, off-putting character. Not just this version. The character in general is something I find hard to stomach. 0.

Daytime At Nighttime

Also stupid. I mentioned in last week's review that each of these cartoons will now get an automatic zero grade unless they somehow don't deserve one. Neither this cartoon of the last one moved me enough to change the base grade. 0.

Episode Overall: 0.

New subtitle for the season means new heroes and villains in the main title.

Let me be blunt. They shouldn't be putting Armin Zola in a preschool show. I don't care that they gave him the same design as Nickelodeon's Face, he's an inappropriate character to adapt for little kids. This show shouldn't be showing Punisher, Red Skull, or the Purple Man either.

Whatever. It's not like the cartoon was any good, so maybe that entire rant is just me complaining about the wrong thing. 1 1/2 stars.

Spidey In Space

It's both cynical and obnoxious that the new premise and subtitle mostly exist to sell toy repaint variants. Remind me why little kids should watch this show again. 1 star.

Episode Overall: 1 star.

A jolly green goofball Hulk who is never really angry is something I can accept. The concept of Hulk allows for a LOT of different versions and variations in personalities. But a version of The Thing WITHOUT a chip on his shoulder? Doesn't work at all, and I don't buy it for a second. 0.

Whale Of A Time

I've leveled this criticism at the show multiple times, but it bears repeating after seeing this: The show does not have to be as stupid and badly written as it is to function. It simply chooses to be. 0.

Episode Overall: 0.

Mea Culpa to my readers. I have been a bit of a gadfly regarding Marvel Animation. After the final season of the last Avengers cartoon aired (Black Panther's Quest) I boldly proclaimed it was the stupidest and worst-written Marvel cartoon ever. In fact, I said it was also the worst Marvel show, period, and worst animated superhero show, period, (DC has done some worse live-action stuff). I realize after seeing this episode my opinion that this show was second worst in that regard was me giving the show too much credit. It IS after all, the worst Marvel cartoon, the worst Marvel show, and the worst superhero cartoon ever. I never felt right taking that specific slam against Black Panther's Quest not only because it featured a diverse cast, but because the showrunner was an old online acquaintance of mine named Geoffrey Thorne whose posts on Dwayne McDuffie's forum were always super insightful and far more admirably extreme leftist than I could ever aspire to be. You put one of my most extreme leftwing rants up against his I sound closer to Dick Cheney than Thorne. And I love, admired, and respected the hell out of him for that. And it bummed me out a guy I liked and interacted with, a smart guy no less, was responsible for the worst written and stupidest Marvel cartoon ever. He finally hit the big time and it's the worst Marvel toon ever. What a bum deal.

After this episode I am pleased to say he no longer needs to carry that specific burden. I will certainly be glad I no longer have to say it. What this horrible episode also taught me is that perhaps this show had dethroned Black Panther's Quest ages ago and I was just unwilling to admit it. But damn, there's no room for debate there left in my mind. It is now the worst. You are off the hook, Geoffrey Thorne. Thank God. 0.

The Octopus And The Kitty Cat

Black Cat episode. Automatic zero stars. Nothing more needs to be said. 0

Episode Overall: 0.

Series Overall: Worst animated Marvel Show ever. Worst Marvel show, period. Worst animated superhero show, period.

I made the mistake of watching and reviewing this immediately after watching the Adam West Batwheels episode. Big mistake. If I seem a bit unforgiving, that's why.

Mea Culpa: I was about to give the show crap for Miles talking up these rare pink iguanas and then Team Spidey RANDOMLY being called on a rescue mission to the exact same damn island where the last 200 of them exist. But it's actually a trick by Peter and Gwen to fool Miles into seeing his favoritest thing ever he never mentioned before this week, and will forget all about during his next favoritest thing next week. So maybe the show should get credit for being less stupid than I predicted.

Except Miles himself should have noticed this suspicious coincidence himself, so partial credit at best, and no credit, if I'm actually being fair. Miles isn't supposed to be a stupid character and neither is Peter, and yet they are always portrayed as such.

Ugh. Why can't this be Batwheels? 1 star.

An Un-bee-lievable Rosh Hashanah

Gotta give the show credit: There are not many cartoons that get to a holiday before Charlie Brown ever did. Did they actually beat Teen Titans Go! there too, which celebrates alternate Tuesdays? I think they might have. Bonus points for pulling THAT off.

Cool exploring Ben Grimm's Jewishness.

You know, when a villain randomly calls him "The Thing" it sounds like a rude insult. I get it's his chosen superhero ID, but I guess hearing the "The" in front of it sounds weirdly dehumanizing in 2023. Damn the 1960's! This is all Stan Lee's fault, you know.

Not as terrible as the show usually is, although as always Gobby episodes are always a bit of a chore to get through. 2 stars.

Episode Overall: 1 1/2 stars.